One's Fancy Beloved: IE/Go/CS/G One-shots

Shindou Takuto X (OC) Yoshida Ren

Cruel Gratitude.

Dear Ren,

Where do I start? I just don't have the words to tell you what I feel.... instead let me just say thank you. Thank you for everything, for staying by my side even though I pretend not to notice, for watching my back and for caring for me, thank you.

I know it might be selfish of me to start this letter with a "thank you" then ask for a favour... but please.. just this one thing. After you finish this letter tell Ibuki I'm sorry. I know I've been harsh on him, extremly harsh and even though it ended well... I'm still sorry. So please tell him that I am.

Truthfully, I'm not writing you this letter to thank you or ask you for favours (even though I'll be eternally grateful to you) I'm writing to apologize. I'm sorry that despite all you've done for me I'll let you down. This is my suicide note.

Since this is the last trace that I'll leave in this world I've decided to come clean about everything: I love you, Yoshida Ren, but not enough to live for you. I love you so so so much yet I'm far too gone. Love can't save me. At least I can say, I loved you till my last breath heh? You're right, I'm sorry this is not a time for jokes. And I know you're crying so please wipe those tears away and smile. There's nothing you could've done.

I also wanted to tell you my feelings, what's been going on in my mind recently. I'm tired. I'm not sad or depressed, I don't feel worthless but I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm mad, so unbelievably mad at this world. I'm tired of trying to bring change and even though we were able to abolish fifth sector... I don't count this as an accomplishment of mine. I'm tired and mad for wanting to change so many things but not having the power to. Honestly I envy people who can bring on such change, I envy you and I envy Tenma.

I'm just so tired of not being able to do anything. I feel restricted, like I can't breathe... No, rather I felt restricted.. but now I just simply gave up. I'm just simply tired.

Why are we alive? Why do we struggle to live? Why do we always talk about the future about change? And why do we always strive to live life to the fullest? I once thought that I knew the answers to these questions... but I don't. I don't understand anymore why we live when we'll just end up dying anyways... is this what people call "the will to live"? Have I lost it? To be honest I don't know and I don't care.

I just want to feel something else rather than emptiness... I don't know, just something. Heck I'd be satisfied enough if I could feel sad. For a while I was able to feel rage... and I was so happy I clung to the feeling so desperately.... and Ibuki suffered the consequences. So, I'm leaving. I feel purpousless so why stay? If all I cause by finding a piece of emotion is negative then why stay?

I'm writing to you to say goodbye. By the time you find this letter I'll be already dead. I drank poison... it'll offer me a painless death.. a death I wouldn't feel, it's supposed to take four hours before it kills me.. So in this time I'm here writing to you.

You know, the only time I felt anything akin to happiness ever since I fell into this... void..? Was when we played soccer together that one time in the river bank, after you joined our team. The sun shone beautifully on your skin... your hair whipped with the wind and you looked like a free spirit very far out of my reach but... you were there, and you were happy, you were laughing as you played with me. And I couldn't wish for more. So thank you, thank you for those memories.

My end is nearing, so goodbye... don't cry, there's nothing you could've done to stop me. I know that fate is cruel... No, rather that I'm cruel. Writing my confession in a suicide letter. But please, don't cry. Smile when you think of me, because at least like that, I'll feel as if I did something.... well.

Sincerely, with lots of love,
Shindou Takuto.

♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧
Lunar: so I'm finally done with this! Honestly my English has become horrible..... anyways this was requested by Murasakino_Ocha who waited ever so patiently for it. The category was angst because we have a reader that doesn't quite enjoy sweetness and so I promised her some angst in my next chapter DarkBullet153 hope you both enjoyed!

Fudou: you're cruel.

Lunar: just because I killed Shindou off doesn't mean I'm-- nevermind I am cruel.

Fudou: See..

Lunar: Well you married me anyway so don't you go and be an a$$hole about it.

Fudou: Yeah, Yeah.