REALITY

Iniquity

Little girl,
How can I still have hope?

You play with your ponies, and dream of flying across rivers and oceans.

You sing with all of your heart and make up a different reality to escape the one that is yours, dancing through fields, and never wanting to return.

You dream of a Prince Charming,
And kiss your frog as if he could turn into a prince and save you from the dragon.

As you grew older you played with your dolls and pretended you were beautiful. Your life grew worse but you continued to laugh and love.

With every person that walked into your life, you gave your trust to them like gift bags for them to take and discard.

Because you thought that the world was kind.

Now you grow even older, and you are taken from your home, away from your parents.

Dragged to a new home, in a new city.
One you couldn't sing in.

And there you tried to find your voice.
But making the mistake of giving your trust away again, and again.

Every night, you would try to go to sleep,
But your heart broke in your chest every night you were away from your mother.

And you would sit up in your bed and sob, since laying down you felt like you couldn't breath.

The connection between your mother and you, stretched until one day is was broken, and there was nothing left but a gaping hole inside your heart.

They tried to love you, but your heart was too hard.

You ached to be strong one day, so you wouldn't have to cry anymore.

But your heart became too hard, now you are too strong.

Now, you realize that even the strong cry, they can't get in touch with their emotions,
and that's the reason they cry.

You cut your skin with sharp metal to watch the blood run,
you just wanted to feel something.

You cried because you discovered being sad or sensitive isn't the worst thing in the world,
being numb is.

You realized that your entire life you never truly trusted anyone, and that resulted in the demise of relationships. The destruction of true happiness, because how can you ever be happy if you never truly trusted those closest to your heart?

So, you tried to fix it. To fix you. To overcome my demons, my past.
Because my past is like a demon sitting in the corner of my brain. No matter what you did, no matter how much alcohol or blood.

The days passed in blurs. Because you felt like their were bricks on your heart, on your shoulders and in your chest.

The woman who was supposed to heal my heart, destroyed it more than ever before.

All I needed was to escape.
Escape
Escape
escape
Escape
Escape
Escape
Escape
Escape

She dreamed to die in the snow.

A place she dreamed of, somewhere on the peak on a mountain.

Where a blanket of soft clouds dust the mountain with snow, deep snow.

She wanted to lie down in the snow and die in the place that the earth can't be deciphered from the skies. Where everyone, and everything was far far away. Where everything is completely silent.

I craved peace, but peace was never found.

Basic human needs, weren't acceptable.

Basic human emotion, wasn't acceptable.

I was treated like a dog on a leash. Held so tight, the dog is struggling to just, breathe.

I was hated, in my own home.
My superheroes turned out to be villains.
And the rescue teamed, they too betrayed me.

This world kills love.

The ones the world has destroyed are now numb. But they are not numb because the world made them numb, they are numb because they chose that they didn't want to be hurt anymore.

Because they had bled too much and they decided that it was enough.

You can no longer love or trust or care the way you once did, when you choose to be numb.

In order to be numb you have to loose your humanity.

Maybe that's why I wanted to study what humanity really is.

Because all I wanted was to be human again, since now, almost an adult I feel like I am no longer that hopeful little girl that once thrived from within.

A little girl who is battered by the world.

She has to be there somewhere.
She has to.

Because without her humanity I wouldn't feel anything at all.

Maybe all of her isn't there, but some of her is.
It has to be, or else I wouldn't be able to feel for him the way I do.

His humanity, has slowly started to liquify the walls I have spent years building.

And I pray that that little girl is still there somewhere inside, not just remnants.

Im terrified that I will be the one to destroy the humanity that is within him in the end.

Because he couldn't save me.

I can already see the scars the world has began inflicting upon his humanity.

He is too pure, not yet exposed to the blackness of this life.

He hasn't yet seen the cruelty this world is ready to bring.

But it's still there, and I am determined to do everything within my power to save and protect the boy within his deep blue eyes.

I love him, with all of the capacity of humanity I have right now.
And hopefully I will not contaminate him. That with or without his help I can one day become the girl with hope again.

So, little girl,

How can I still have hope.

I need it, since without it,

I have nothing.