HOE

3. Broken

Monica
April 21st, 2018
1:45 am.

I sat against the door as Cyrus left. Hugging myself as I quietly sobbed. I didn't even exactly know why I was crying. I guess I was just frustrated. When Cyrus took it upon hisself to try to make this something more it overwhelmed me. I've always had a problem with connecting with someone. A problem with love.

It all started when I was a little girl. I was the only child and had everything a girl could girl could ask for. If I wanted it then it was done. But the problem is that's all that it was. No hugs and kisses, no quality time, just gifts to keep me busy and satisfied. My parents were cheaters. It was just a back and forth game.

My mom would have men would come in and out the home and she didn't give a damn if I was there. The things they bought was enough to keep me quiet for them. My dad was no better he'd come in all kinds of the night drunk, hickies on his neck, smelling of perfume and beer. They thought I wouldn't of understood, but I understood well enough.

I would try to talk to my mom but she would tell me to mind my damn business. My dad was either working or drinking there was no time for talking with him. The times he were around he was either sleeping or too drunk to carry a decent conversation especially one with his child.

I didn't want to feel even more of the burden I had already felt like so I dealt with it. 15 long years of dealing. So much anger in a home that should've been felt with love. What is love? Is that what it's supposed to be? Do you just deal with someone because of your attachment?

I remember the good times they had. The ones where mom would already be pissed dad spent yet another night out drunk so she'd drink too and talk her shit. He'd then come home and they would cuss each other out, fuck, and next you thing one of my moms "guy friends" would be there the next day. The happiness they felt only came from sex.

It took so much away from my mom so she began to change. She drunk more heavily and she started to isolate her self more. I tried to help but she just seemed so full of anger what could I do? I was only 15, I felt helpless. And my dad acted if he never noticed the shift in her. I knew he did, maybe he ignored it.

One of those nights I decided to go out with Raquel. She knew everything that had been going on and she was basically all I had. She was my sister. Blood or no blood she was mine. She thought it'll be best because she felt I was becoming depressed. So we went to her house to have a few drinks, her parents were cool and treated me as their own so they didn't mind.

I got a call from my mom that night. I didn't get the call though because Raquel had taken my phone. She thought I needed to get my mind from everything and everyone. I decided to ask her for  my phone because something in my gut was telling me to check on my mother. When I turned on my phone I had 3 missed calls and a voicemail from my mom. She wasn't answering her phone so I decided to check the message.

She was crying so hard, I barely made out the words. "I can't do this anymore! Your piece of shit dad keeps doing this! I'm sick of  these mind games and back and forth shit. I'm going to fucking kill this mothefukcer, why does he keep doing this to usss.." I stood there speechless unable to take in what I heard.

"Cal take me to my mom now!" Raquel didn't know what was going on but she can see in my eyes it was important. On the way to my home my eyes were blinded with tears. Something didn't feel right. I made my into to the driveway seeing my dad car was already home. My dad was opening the door as I got out and before I can completely yell out his name I heard a shot. Then another. His body fell and my heart left me, rushing in the house that's where I seen my mothers limp body as well.

All I could do is fight Raquel. At that moment it felt like all her fault. If she just didn't turn off the damn phone I could've saved them. They weren't the best parents but they were mine. She had hers. I just wanted mine. After the funeral me and Raquel fell out for a while. At 16 I had lost my parents and best friend all in one night. Me and Kal didn't even talk for a whole 3 years.

I guess that's what scared me most about Cyrus trying to get to really know me. I didn't have the love most people had at home. I didn't even know how to express it. Love just seemed too scary. My parents loved each other so much my mother lost herself in loving someone else and became so wrapped up in it she was blinded. She changed and took not only my fathers but her own life because of what love did to her.

Sex was okay for me. It was how I coped and once I began having sex I've never felt more loved and appreciated in my whole life. I didn't lose my virginity until 17. After going through the loss of my parents and being in and out of foster care I finally met a guy. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and finally feel something after losing my world. And once I gave it up to him I thought he loved me.

No, we weren't together at the time but we had sex often and he allowed me to open up to him. Every time we had sex it felt sooo good. I had never felt this feeling. Now I see maybe why my mom had sex with all those men, you feel loved. He showed me that he was just liked my dad though. A cheater and liar.

I immediately ended the fling we had. Even though he was my first and it was so hard. I refused to go through what my mom went through. I knew I was broken and I just wasn't sure if I was ready for someone to try to put back the pieces for me. I was scared.

I still sat on the floor with my face cupped in my hands as I thought about my past. I mean was I really wrong for putting Cyrus out? Everyone knew the reputation he held as a "ladies man" if we were sugar coating shit. But we all know he's a hoe.

He wasn't lying when he said I had to be a little into him, more than what I wanted to admit. We just couldn't though. The way we were both set up I'd be a fool to even think about it. What good could come two hoes dating? I would only be setting myself up for failure.

Grabbing my self from the floor I made myself into my bedroom. I made a mental note to call Cal first thing in the morning. I needed to get my mind right. And it's nothing like clearing your head with a nice session with your tell-it-like-it-is best friend. Sparking the remainder of the blunt I had left I took a few hits to drift to sleep.