Broken Girls And Broken Boys

Chapter Twenty Eight: What are we?

I need to know the truth. Its a sick addiction of mine that resurfaces the moment someone hints at lies. The moment someone mentions cheating. The moment someone echoes the voices you've been hearing all along, telling you your worst fears.

I remember when I was younger. The mascara running down my mum's cheeks , the glass of red in her hand, the pained expression. The still echo of a slammed door. And she'd tell me she was fine. She'd say my dad had gone to the shop. She never once told me the truth.

And I craved it. I wanted it so bad because it was something I never had. It was something I felt I never had the right to have.

I'm walking. My feet are taking me to unknown places. And I'm thinking, over analysing everything Brody said to me, everything I thought I had with Grant.

And now I think I was being stupid. After all it was a game. A game I started. A game that I wanted to play.

He's not even mine. That's the ridiculous thing. Not mine at all.

Though sometimes I want him to be, I really do. But I stop myself before I let my thoughts wander that far away. I make sure that I never think of the 'what ifs'.

Because fairytales don't exist.

My mum learned that the hard way.

"Kendall?" I hear someone call around and I see him. Dark tousled hair, dark circles emerging around his eyes, a heavy weight pressing against his shoulders. He's hunched over, his figure hidden in his coat and I want to ask, 'who are you?'

Because I can't see the boy I know anywhere inside those tired eyes. 

Grant takes a step towards me, wary, his eyes never straying from mine. And its a different kind of intense. Regretful. Angry. And maybe somewhere, a little lost.

"Grant, what are you doing here?" I ask, my eyes darting around the desolate park to found myself trekking through at dusk, hoping to uncover memories from the past that have remained untouched for years. Hoping to uncover a new part of myself, a part where I know who I am and I know what we are.

Me and you Grant.

What are we?

Because I don't know anymore.

"I dropped by your house, your mum said you might've been here. I guess she was right." He buries his hands deep into the pockets of his trench coat. 

I open my mouth to speak but he beats me to it. "I need to tell you something. I can't lie to you. I can't do that to you."

My feet move towards him of their own accord. A part of me wants to bury myself into his jacket and let him hold me tight. A part of me wants to kiss him and tell him how much he means to me and how much I need him and how much I wish he was actually mine. But I suppress it and instead shiver into my coat as a chill breeze unravels the layers I'm wearing.

"What is it?"

I'm tired of this game Grant. I just want you to tell me. I just want you to tell me. Please say it. Please don't break my heart.

"I-I kissed Serena." 

My heart is heaving in my chest and my ears are ringing. He;s talking more and more and more and I want him to stop. I want him to leave because I can't even hear his excuses. I can't register what he's saying because everything's moving in slow motion and I can feel my heart breaking. And I know I'm being stupid. I am stupid. To have fallen for a guy who was a part of my made up game. And I hate myself for not being wiser. Not being stronger. For letting him break down my walls.

And then, my pain subsides and all I can feel is anger. Anger to the boy who told me he cared.

But really, I was right all along.

Really, he was just a selfish player.

A player who broke my heart.