Broken Girls And Broken Boys

Chapter Twenty Nine: Let me go.

Grant leaves. The parting of leaves scattered across the floor is the only reminder that he was here. That, and the new tear in my broken heart. For some stupid reason, I always thought that he's be the one to fix me.

But that's selfish. To reply on someone else to mend your bruises.

The sun sets over the water of the still lake and I watch as the beams of orange light begin to disappear into night., overthinking, over-analysing everything I could've said. 

I cross my legs on the cool grass, letting my hands run through the leaves that have fallen from the oak tree above me. Tears stain my face and I struggle to keep it together. I hate this feeling. This loss. This weakness.

Maria was right. She's always right. She knows me better than I know myself and she knew...she knew that this boy would break me all over again.

That is, if you can be broken if you're still breaking.

I dip my head, away from the sun that settles into the earth. And I think, I am the sun. Because no matter how hard I try to break away from myself, I'm still wholly me. And as much as you try to disappear into the earth, as much as you try to escape, you rise again and again and again and you don't rest- you can't rest because you are rising in another place.

You're stuck on a loop. Forever.

A cold breeze drifts through the park and I shiver into my jacket. I should get up. Brush myself off and walk home. I should let my mum hold me even though I wouldn't tell her what happened. I should crawl into my bed and never get up again.

But I can't.

Because my legs won't move and I don't really want to escape this silence. And I don't want to escape this pain because its the only thing that's keeping me sane.

I'm filled to the brink with anger and sorrow and darkness and every other feeling that has been hidden in my mind, dormant until one little thing tips me over the edge.

And the saddest part is, the person who pushed me off the track is the person who pulled me back up when I was loosing control. The person who drove me off the road was the person who took the wheel when I thought no one could understand.

It seems so small. To hate someone for kissing another girl. 

But as I stood there, Grant telling me what happened all I could think about was how stupid I was to trust someone who was just like him. How stupid I was to rely on someone who was always going to break me, even if they promised to mend my broken heart.

My mind is consumed with loathing and I don't know how to switch it off. I'm sick of this small town. I'm sick of catching my reflection in windows and watching other people around me find themselves while I remain in the dark.

Soft drops of rain begin to caress my head, running down my face, following the paths the tears left behind. I don't move an inch. In fact, I physically can't move from this spot because if I do, I fear I may fall to pieces. 

The rain thrashes harder and the wind picks up, causing me to shiver once more into my jacket. The sun's golden glow is beginning to fade and darkness is seeping into the park. I need to leave but something is tying me here, not letting me go.

Let me go.

My phone starts to ring, a light tune in the whistling rain. My body finally unfreezes and I fish it out of my pocket, the moment it touches my hand, it's covered in rain.

"Mum?" I call into the receiver, hoping to hear her flowing voice.

"Honey are you okay, it's getting late?" she replies, her tone warm but anxiousness seeping in at the end of her question.

I bite back everything I want to say and instead, "Yeah everything's fine. Is it okay if I stay round Maria's? She's invited me round." The lie slips out so easily. I hate myself for it.

"Of course, K. You call me tomorrow if you want to be picked up, OK?"

The wind howls behind me and I press the phone closer to my ear to muffle the noise. "OK. I love you mum."

And before the call cuts off, I catch her melodic voice drift through the evening air. "I love you too baby girl."

I don't know what to do.

I can't go home but I can't go to Maria's. 

And even if it was an option, I still wouldn't be able to bring myself to admit everything that just happened. Because she'd give me a look and tell me that I was stupid to get involved with Grant. And then she'd ask my why I'm so upset about a kiss.

But the thing is, it's not one kiss.

It's one hundred. Planted on different girls. In different places. Its with people like him. People who are casual and cool and girls who are beautiful. Girls who are nothing like me.

What do I have to do Grant? To be like them? To be loved by you? To be adored by you?

I don't think I can bear to hear the answer. 

I tug my jacket around myself and stand up, ready to brace the brute force of this storm.  But I have no where to go.

Except.

My phone is still pressed tight into the palm of my hand so, without even thinking, I dial the number. He picks up on the first ring, and without a pause, I hear him call down the phone. A wave of emotion hits me like a ton of bricks and thick masses of tears begin to fall down my cheeks, mingling with the rain that is drowning my body.

"Brody?" I sob, leaning against the large oak tree. "Can- can you come and get me...please." I hiccup, cupping my hand over my mouth to stop myself from screaming into the phone. 

"Where are you, Kendall? Is everything OK? What happened?" he replies, his tone urgent and worried.

"H-Hogland's Park. Gr-rant-" but I can't finish my sentence. The words die in the back of my throat and I can't bring myself to tell him.

"Did he tell you that he slept with Serena?" he asks, his tone gentle and soothing. "It's OK Kendall, I'm on my way. He's a stupid ass who doesn't deserve you."

My whole world stops. Just for a fraction of a second. And then shifts. And tilts. And I fear I may fall to the ground because suddenly the world has flipped and nothing looks the same anymore.

"W-what do you mean, slept? Did he- did he have sex with her?" Tears are still falling thick and fast and the rain is hammering onto my body but my mind is consumed by racing thoughts of his hands on her and their lips together and her hands all over him and I feel sick.

I want to scream into the air and let myself fall to the ground. Brody says nothing.

"Tell me! Fuck Brody, tell me." I shout, anger and pain mingling together to create as hurricane deep inside my bones. My heart is pounding heavily in my chest and the rain and tears are blurring my vision.

A bright light flashes over me and I turn towards it; a car door slams and a figure emerges, shouting and running towards me. "Kendall! Kendall!" They shout, louder and louder, still running.

It's Brody. He hasn't cut off the call and I can still hear him through the phone. I shove it into my pocket and run into his arms, not caring about the rain or the wind or whose arms are wrapped around me. He holds me tight in his arms and whispers in my ear. And instinctively I wrap my arms tighter and pull myself into his warm chest, listening to his voice as he tell me 'everything's going to be okay'. 

And if I close my eyes, and hold him tighter, I can pretend.

That tonight, Grant is holding me in his arms.

That tonight, I am loved by the boy who won the bet.