Broken Girls And Broken Boys

Like them.

Grants POV

I should tell you when I did it. But I can't bring myself to tell you how I kissed her. I can't bring myself to tell you why.

Last night. She called me. Her voice cracking, choked with tears. And all I could think about was that night- the night you got wasted and sat on my bed sobbing uncontrollably, unable to tell me why you hurt so much and I couldn't do anything at all to fix it. I don't think I could be that person to fix you Kendall.

And for a minute, I said nothing to her. Because all I could think about was how it feels to be so broken. So hopelessly broken and have no one there by your side. 

And she has no one. Her world is devoid of people. And I could feel her pain radiating through the phone.

I couldn't leave her. I couldn't let her be alone without anyone to help her through her pain. So I found her. She was sat on one of the swings at Hogland Park, tears streaming down her face. 

She looked up when I sat next to her, and her eyes betrayed her relief of having someone there.

Do you understand Kendall?

Do you know why I went there that night?

And she talked and told me all the things she hated and all the things she missed and all the things she wanted but could never have. 

And as she told me about her pain, all I could think was that you couldn't. That you didn't trust me enough to tell me why you hurt so bad. Why you are broken. Why you sat on my bed and cried for hours.

Why couldn't you tell me Kendall? Because I was right there. I'm always there for you. Trying to be the one person you can tell everything.

And I know I'm not the conventional person. I'm not the conventional friend.

But I love you so much. Maybe too much. If you can love someone too much.

If you had told me that night. If you had let me hold you. If you had let me stay up all night at fix the bruises that no one else can see...

Serena stopped crying. And I held her. I held her the way I wanted to hold you. And I told her I was here for you the way I wanted to tell you. And I wanted the person I was holding and looking after to be you so badly that when she pulled away and kissed me, I let her.

At first. At first I thought this is what I wanted. That I wanted to be loved the way I love you. But you see, that isn't love. 

Because Serena used me. She brought me to the park to set me up. So that Brody could be your knight in shining armour when it finally got out.

And do you know what she said to me when I pulled away and told her I didn't want sex?

She told me that no one would believe me. That the whole school knew I would've screwed her over you like all the other boys at college.

Because...I'm like them. A disgusting, dirty player. 

I use girls to hide the part of my heart that always wanted you. I buy love to fill the void in my heart that my parents left.

Kendall, I'm so sorry. And I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't deserve anything. 

I just hope, one day you understand. And you realise why I held Serena. Why I let her kiss me. Why I went to that park.

Because I thought, if I held someone that night, I'd really be holding you.

And because of that, I will never get to hold you again.