"RJ, look at this!" She beams and grabs my hand then pulls me to the direction of the curtains, drapes and blinds section of the store.
I follow her and watch as she checks each selection put up in mock windows to help the customers choose the designs and combinations that they want.
She lets go of my hand as she touches the fabrics. "You think I should get the same one dun sa condo or iba naman para iba ang feel dun sa new house?" She asks me but her eyes continue to scan the selections.
I hear her question but my mind is not really into discussing about curtains at the moment. I was still wondering about the fact that she brought me here to buy curtains and drapes and beddings and dining sets, asking for my opinion and how I feel about the items she wants to get, like we used to, like we were still doing that for a home that we are building for us. We're not.
"Medyo boring kung same noh? Dito mo rin nakuha yung sa bahay mo di ba?" She asks again, still engrossed in her task of choosing the right curtains and blinds. "Kaya lang halos parehong-pareho lang nun yung sa akin eh. Tayo rin magkasamang pumili nun." She giggles that puts an inevitable smile on my face but that soon fades as I realize how long ago that has been. Us. Together. It's been half a year.
People would ask what happened. We had the right love at the wrong time, I guess. Cliche, I know, but it is what it is. We wanted the same thing at different levels at different times. She was willing to give everything up for us then. I wasn't. I don't have that luxury. I have a family to take care of and she understood, but I guess you can only ask too much from someone until they finally get tired.
Now that I feel that I am at the level that she was, she's not there anymore and I don't have the heart to take away the happiness she worked to find on her own over the past months. I respect everything that she has right now and I am happy to still be where I am in her heart.
Breaking up had been a mutual decision that we made amicably. We had been pushing each other too much, trying to make our relationship work amidst all the pressure outside of it that inevitably made their way in. It was too much and we were hurting.
We both loved each other so much and living without each other was something that was unimaginable to us so we saved what we can and walked out of our relationship with the friendship, the love and the respect still intact.
Everything seems to be better since. We see the world better. We communicate better. We had more fun better. We found happiness in more ways.
It should be better. Shouldn't it?
It's not like much has changed between us. We still talk to each other for hours everyday and every night. She tells me everything about her life. I tell her everything about mine. We still go out. We hang out. We have less intimacy as should be appropriately so but she still holds my hand and I hold hers. We hug and cuddle. We kiss.
We still have each other. That's what matters.
I guess the only thing that really changed and one that I fear the most is that now we can't be reassured that we will only have each other. Some other guy could win her heart and make her forget about me until I'm just an ex-boyfriend she used to love. Until I can't be with her like this anymore. Until I can't hold her. Until I can't see her. Until I can't talk to her.
She continues looking down the aisle to the other options. "Maganda siguro kung mix ng patterns and plain..." She thinks aloud, stepping away from me. I let her. I let her walk further away, her back turned to me, fighting the urge to follow her, to be near.
She states a few more options and asks a couple more questions but her voice now sounds like it's coming from a distance, as I go deeper in thought and keep fighting with myself. An invisible hand slowly tightens its grip on my heart, my spirit sinking in the pits of longing to go to her, be near her.
"Eh kung floral kaya?" She laughs then turns to me. "Baduy noh?" The grin on her face fades when our eyes meet. Her expression turns sullen. "What's wrong?" Her question and the concern in her eyes fill the 5-foot gap between us like a long stretch of a lonely Highway.
"Maine, hanggang kailan pwedeng ganito?" I ask quietly. "Tayo."
Her eyebrows scrunch together and her eyes suddenly fill with sadness. I feel that hand in my chest gripping my heart so tight that I can barely breathe. "Bakit? Ayaw mo na ba?" She bites her lip and sighs, her eyes glint with tears, like what she does when she's about to say something difficult and she would rather not talk about. "Is there someone? I... I mean... That's okay. Okay naman tayo dun but... but... if she doesn't want you seeing me... I... uhm... I won't get in the way of your happiness."
"No!" I shake my head violently and take two steps to close the gap between us and take her hand. "It's not like that, Meng. There's no one. Walang iba. Ikaw ang inaalala ko." I tell her.
She holds my hand tighter and I feel the grip on my chest loosen a little. "What do you mean?"
"Siguro kasi we have been like this for so long, I thought we can be like this forever pero ngayon iba na. I've never been so scared of not having you in my life than I am right now." I clench my jaw and inhale a sob as I blink back my tears. "I... I don't think I can do that. Live without you."
She nods her head slowly, telling me she understands. "We can. Pareho lang naman tayong takot. I can't imagine my life without you, RJ." She takes a deep breath and slowly releases it then reaches up a hand to cup my cheek. "Hindi ako manghuhula para makita ang future and it's not like we believe that. Si Lord lang naman talaga ang nakakaalam ng lahat. I wouldn't know what other people would want. I can only speak for myself and I say that I want you in my life forever, RJ. One way or another in this crazy world we live in, I pray to always have you no matter what— the one constant thing that will remind me that everything will be alright."
"What if hindi na pwede? What if it's not your choice to make? Paano kung may dumating sa buhay mo who won't be okay with you being this close to your ex?"
"But it is my choice to make. Being with me means having you in my life. Whoever wants to be with me has to live with that. You are not just an ex, RJ. You are my life's blessing, my twin flame, my soulmate. You are so embedded in my mind, my heart and my soul that you are so much a part of me as I am to myself." She squeezes my hand tighter, fighting harder not to cry.
"What if ako yun? What if I want to be the one in your life. The only one."
"Now? Is that what you want now? Because you know what I want, RJ. You know what I need. Are you really ready to do that now? I don't want us ending up with promises we can't keep."
Is it? Am I really ready?
She speaks before I can answer. "When the time comes that you are sure and it is God's will, then it will happen for us. I believe that. B-but for now... If you don't awant to do this anymore..."
"No." I sigh. "Hindi ganoon. I want this. So much. That's why I'm so scared of losing it. Of losing you." I pull her close to me and hold her in my arms. "I can't lose you, Meng."
"I can't lose you too, RJ."
"You won't. I promise."
"I promise that you will always have me ."
Somehow, we are both certain that those are promises that we can keep.
That's enough. That's enough for me. To know she's happy. To have her in my life. To know we will always have each other no matter what. That's all I would constantly need in my life.
***
Unbeta'ed and not proofread.
Thank you for reading.
