30 | THEY COULDN'T PUT JOHN BACK TOGETHER AGAIN
"please stay john; i'll do anything. just say the word and i'll be there," jaren says, whimpering from all his tears.
"i love someone else!" john spits out, watching jaren's tears build up.
he can't be dead; anthony has to be lying. he said that he would stay this time. he said that he would never leave jaren's side. he wouldn't lie to him.
he runs as fast as he can. anthony's words sting in his head as the tears quickly fall down his face. he's not dead; he's not dead. jaren tries to convince his brain that his heart is telling the truth.
"god, i love you so much," john says, leaning down to kiss jaren again, "i could literally kiss you all day and still be happy. you taste like... tequila, i think."
"if it makes you happy, then we can definitely do that," jaren smirks, pushing himself up on his elbows and kissing john again.
john is his guardian angel. he protects him when he is down, makes him smile, and convinces him to not do anything stupid. if john leaves, he leaves too.
he makes his way through the forest, dodging through trees and plants. tears fly out of his eyes, disappearing in the thin air of the afternoon. light twinkles in jaren's eyes; maybe this is all just a stupid proposal trick. he tries to shut off his head but the memories come back faster.
"hey, flower boy," john says in a soft voice, wiping at the boy's tears, "everything will be okay, i promise. who cares about those homophobic people anyways?"
"i do, john! they called you bad names because i was dating you. i'm just ruining your life at this point," jaren whimpers, holding back in his tears and looking up at john. the boy wraps his arms around his waist, kissing the top of his forehead.
"no, jaren. you're saving my life at this point."
jaren never understood what that meant until he saw anthony in that prison. john really did have depression and jaren made everything about himself. god, he was such an idiot.
he finds the cliff, seeing a bag thrown on the ground right next to the wilted bluebell. he picks up the flower, examining it and sticking it behind his ear like john used to do. except, it didn't feel right this time.
he looks at the bag, immediately noticing the 'J' on the buckle. his tears bounce off the leather bag and he holds it tightly to his chest. he walks towards the edge of the cliff.
he almost vomits when he gets there. remnants of john's outfit from the night of the party bob up on the water. jaren can clearly remember the places and pieces he grabbed onto that night, begging john to stay with him.
"john, please. just listen to me," jaren says, watching john swirl his drink and press his lips against the bottle of whiskey. he grabs onto john's sweatshirt.
"why should i? you like anthony and that's your choice," john whispers, setting his alcohol down on the table as he popular friends flood behind him. they ask him to lighten up the party and john agrees.
"john, no. if you leave right now, then you also leave me," jaren shouts, causing john to turn around.
"you made your choice and now i make mine," john says, pressing his lips against jaren's lips one more time. the tequila taste takes over his body once more, making him pull away from jaren before he got too carried away.
"goodbye, jaren."
he loudly sobs, remembering all the little things john did for him. the way they talked and laughed together. the way they could ignore a room full of people and just be themselves.
he turns around, walking over to the tree that john burned down. maybe their relationship should have been over after that. the wilted bluebell falls out of his hair, hitting the ground as hard as john did when he jumped. his vision blurs due to the amount of tears that have leaked out.
he looks at the cliff, gritting his teeth and holding his fists tightly together. he runs towards the edge.
he jumps off the cliff, closing his eyes and waiting to hit the water and ground beneath him. instead, he feels two arms wrap around his waist and pull him back. he opens his eyes, seeing the black-haired boy in front of him.
"that's the fastest i've run since freshman year and it was to save your ass again," evan pants out, still having his arms wrapped around the boy's waist, "why the hell would you even do that, jaren?"
"please, i j-just want to be with him a-again," jaren stutters out through his sobs, trying to pull evan's arms away from his waist. jonathan and tyler come up and try to calm the boy down but it doesn't work.
"come on, let's just get you back to the house."
🥀
it's been a week since jaren tried to jump.
he hasn't exactly been doing amazing but he's definitely getting better. tyler and craig comfort him everyday and the rest of the boys always come over to hangout. even cameron has started hanging out with jaren after the incident.
jaren was still heartbroken; he knew a part of him would never be able to get over john's smile and laugh. he knew he would never get to say sorry to john for being so self-centered and that hurt the most.
he'll never stop loving john. he'll never forget what they had but he could at least pretend to for the rest of the boys.
after a while, jaren realized that he was never scared of loving john.
he was only scared of what would happen when the angel decided to fly.
🥀
epilogue should be coming out soon. thanks for reading this mess of a book and i hope you enjoyed it.
song: tequila by dan + shay
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