RiKara OS Gallery: A Beauty Undefined

Words of Fire

Hi guys!! So, this story is extremely sad and does not end well. So, please be warned. 

Though I have written this piece, I DO NOT support this ideology at all. And I hope that all those suffering similarly get help and support to work through these feelings. 

I was rewatching the episodes of the Mahasangam and was extremely impacted by Om's words to Gauri, so keeping in mind her mental state at the time, I came up with this OS. Also, I think in the show, Gauri's character was also going through similar thought processes but maybe not as extreme as this. 

If ya'll want to see a Part 2 to this, lemme know. I may have something in mind. In the mean time, keep voting, commenting!! Also, check out my FF When we Fell Again!

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OS: Words of Fire

"Jo karna hai karo. Zeher kha ke mar jao I don't care..."

The words replayed in Gauri's head like a ticking reminder of the piercing hate that she received. The words were pricks of steel that scraped against her ears creating that screech of sound emanating from her heart. Yes, it was her heart. Torn and shredded from the continuous jabs and bleeds that had decayed its strength over time. Now all that was left was a hollow gaping hole in the middle of where her love had been.

She had seen it decline into a steady disease that she had foolishly named love. Back when she was Chulbul and the confidante that he always turned to, she had hopelessly hoped that he would change. That someday he would see the good in her and accept her. Maybe not as his wife, but as a friend. Just a friend who was there only to see him happy. No matter what it took her to keep him like that. Friendship and trust was all she had wished for and yet, it seemed to be too much.

He found out who she was and chose to believe the worst. And worse yet, she could do nothing to change him. Her faith was crippled with the constant humiliation and rejection. And the only thread of hope she had in Chulbul had been ruthlessly eroded by the demons she had tried to escape from. Now she had nothing left. Nothing to live for.

Maybe he was right. Maybe Shankar ji had meant for this to happen. Maybe her job was to help him get rid of the evil witch in his life and then embark on a heavenly path to the Almighty. Maybe the purpose here was done and all she was doing by staying back was torturing him with her presence.

She didn't want to torture him. She didn't want him to suffer the way she had in these few months of hell. He deserved happiness and he had made it very clear how she could help him achieve it. He was right. She had to go.

"Zeher kha ke mar jao I don't care..."

But before she did, she had so many things to take care of...her mother's expenses, her shop's dues, her possessions. She had to apologize, give closure and expel gratitude to the family who had taken her in so willingly. She had to tell him, even though he wouldn't believe, who she really was. What she stood for, what he had meant to her, why she did what she did....

There was so much to do and so little time. She had to set everything in order before the Puja, lest he find another reason to humiliate and accuse her of greed and evil. She had to figure out a way to end this...end his suffering and set them both free: him from her love and her from his hatred.

So much to do and so little time....

"Aapki khushi ke liye toh hum apni jaan bhi de denge."

It was time to put her words to the test of reality. She had said it time and again that she would die for him, keeping aside the jolting acidic pain that burned through her heart every time she thought of an after life without him. And when he didn't respond every time she promised it, it felt like he didn't care. Maybe he didn't believe her. Maybe the false impressions of her character overpowered the raw sincerity that she had in her promise. Maybe his hatred was too strong for her to overcome and maybe just maybe, it had turned her to a path where she couldn't hurt him anymore.

The only person she had hurt was herself. She had torn her heart with her own bare hands by believing that he would change. She had tortured herself by letting hope walk in like a menacing intruder who managed to conquer every crevice of love she had for him. She'd had hope and that was what she had depended on. But when it left, she realized how hollow she had been from the inside. How truly characterless she had become. Because, there was no character left in her. No Dabbang-ness, no zest, no zeal, no happiness, no feelings. Nothing. Her body had no character, it was only body. A body that beat because it had to, breathe because it had to and accepted hatred because it had to. Her character had died the day he left her in Bareilly.

"...mar jao I don't care..."

He had said it in clear terms. He had told her what he wanted and like the body she was she would do it...because she had to. How could she not? How could she deny him of the request that he had so clearly asked of her? Her love didn't allow her to refuse. Her love didn't allow her to feel the anguish of his betrayal. Her love only allowed her to feel his anger, his sadness and his frustration. And she would do anything to wipe that away.

Yet a small part of her let herself see the dream that she had left locked away in a tiny corner of her mind. The dream where in an alternate world, he would fall in love with her and take her away from the problems in her life. They would live with his family and she would be pampered and spoilt by his love. He would see the good in her and trust her....always.

She wanted that alternate universe so bad that she was almost ready to end it now, just to cross that barrier. How beautiful it would be to transcend into that universe on her own will and love him endlessly while she waited for him? How beautiful it would be to not hear the constant scraping and scratching of metal as they tore against one another inside her chest. How beautiful would it be to know that she was finally loved by the man she had donated her heart to?

"I don't care..."

Maybe that's what had given her the most pain. Not the fact that he hated her, but maybe the fact that he didn't care. He didn't care about where she was, how she was and whether she was even. He didn't care when he threw her away after marrying her. He didn't care when he left her in Bareilly to deal with the aftermath of their marriage and he most certainly did not care when he gave her away to Kali Thakur. And when he didn't care about her life, why should she?

She knew what she had to do and she would do it. Taking Shankar ji's name as the only other pillar of courage in a life riddled with tragedy, she would take the leap of faith. She would walk towards the light and embrace it leaving behind the body that had no character. Leaving behind the man she loved so much. And most importantly, leaving behind the mother who had always loved her so dearly. Tears slipped out of her eyes then as she realized that she might not be able to speak to her mother before all of it happened. Maybe it was better this way. Speaking with her would probably weaken her resolve.

Tomorrow was the day of the Puja and she had a lot to do. A lot to settle, to write, to say. A lot that was still writhing in her heart would come onto paper tomorrow and finally a lot of her pain would end. Tonight, she would sleep in peace knowing that whatever happened tomorrow would leave him peaceful and happy. After all that was what she wanted right? She wanted him happy even if it meant to give up her life.

"Aapki khushi ke liye hum apni jaan bhi de denge."

She had meant it then and now it was time to show him. It was time to finally set them free. 

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It's sad, I know....I'm sorry and I promise the next one will be light hearted. <3