The Puppet on the Strings

Stifling Loneliness

Raindrops slam into the cool glass, almost like the small drops of liquid want to be inside. Something on the entirely opposite spectrum of me. It sounds so strange. Almost everything in the world has something in common. By "in common," I don't mean physical traits. As weird as it sounds, I always like to think that an inanimate object has some sort of desire. Like now, the raindrops rolling down the window seem to want nothing more than to squeeze through the gap between Shujin and the outdoors. I can't blame them. The outdoors seem so cold and unforgiving right now. However, the building I reside in now is nothing but a false hope. It looks warm and safe, promising anyone who enters its threshold prosperity and knowledge. 

What a dirty trick.

Shujin's truth is darker than it wants the press to know. Kamoshida rules this place with an iron fist. While he's only stolen a few of my gazes, I'm nowhere on his radar. I'm not athletic nor am I visually appealing. I don't like him anyway. He gives me the creeps. And rightfully so. I've heard the rumors about him and Ann. I don't believe them, but I'm not going to ask her for the truth. For one, it's none of my damn business. Second, I haven't spoken to her since middle school. She seems distant from anyone but Shiho. Not that I blame her, but I'm not one to take the first step. But I never am, am I?

It's stupid, but I wish she'd include me. I wish someone would include me. The strings on each of my limbs feel tangled and it feels so hard to breathe. I feel like with one more tug, they'll suffocate me until my neck gives out and lets my head roll to the floor. It hurts so much!

I hate being alone. As strange as it sounds, I wish Kamoshida would notice me more. Even acknowledgement from someone like him would make it easier to breathe. I guess that shows how much it hurts right now.

God, I hate everything in this stupid world. 

"Y/n!" 

I snap out of my daze, coughing once in hopes of loosening my throat. Sadayo Kawakami's gaze is locked on me, an unimpressed scowl on her face. "Apologies, Kawakami-Sensei!" 

Her scowl falls. "Nevermind. Mishima-san?"

Mishima is now on his feet. "They were first enumerated by Pope Gregory I." Kawakami nodded, giving Mishima the cue that he could sit down again. "That's right. Seven deadly sins were considered to be immoral behavior and that they caused a person's separation of God. They are still used to this day. Despite being immoral, it's nearly impossible for anyone to not have an aspect from one."

I put my head back in my hand, elbow propping my arm up. "Y/n, what sin do you think you're closest to living by? Just to be clear, it isn't inherently bad. It can be from a minor bad habit, even."

I sit myself up, arms folded on my desk. "Maybe sloth? I don't know. I don't think I'm good at much. Besides, I don't do much at home."

"Even then, you proved my point. While you don't quite live as drastically as the sin of sloth would lead people to believe, you do hold some aspect towards a sin. Like I said before, that doesn't make you a bad person-"

By then, I've stopped trying to keep up. Class is almost over anyway. 

My gaze shifts back towards the window. I can see Akira Kurusu's reflection in the window. Apparently, he has a criminal record. Weird. He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy to have one. Maybe I should talk to him after class. He has something on his mind. He's looking at Kawakami the way I was looking out the window: like there's something itching at the back of his mind. While they say curiosity killed the cat, something would've taken that cat either way. I'd rather not keep thinking about the "what if's" if I don't talk to him.

A shrill ring echoes in my ears, every student except for Akira standing up to chat with peers. I approach him, hesitating. I'm uncomfortable around new people, but I know I need to talk to him. I finally work up the courage, tapping his shoulder as he is still dazed off. "Hi. I'm y/n." My composure is stiff, shoulders right under my ears. He looks up at me, giving a small smile to be polite. "Can I help you?"

I tap my foot nervously. "I just thought you would wanna chat before class starts." 

Akira turns his body to face me. The seat next to him is empty, so I take a seat. "How are you liking Shujin so far?"

He shrugs, looking off to the side. A bit closed off to me. It could just be my perception, though. "It's okay." Again, just trying to be polite. 

"You don't have to lie. This place sucks."

He gives a small laugh. "Yeah. But I think it's just because of Kamoshida." Akira's expression falls briefly. "Not to be rude, but why come talk to me?"

"I just... I don't know. I don't believe about half the rumors about you. I just thought you'd feel better knowing you aren't alone."

"That's a refreshing answer."

I give a small smile, hoping it would ease my own worries. It isn't that I think he's dangerous. He's just new to me. "Now it's my turn to avoid sounding rude. Are you really some kind of criminal?" It's an abrupt question, but I'd rather know for sure. 

Akira's face completely falls now. "I mean, I guess I am. In the eyes of the law, anyway. But I'm not some cold-hearted bastard."

The bell rang again, cutting our conversation short. I pull out my phone. "It's kind of out of the blue, but wanna exchange contact info?" I question. It does sound kinda stupid now that I hear myself out loud, but I'm sick of feeling so lonely. Maybe he can help me cut myself free from my own strings. 

"Sure thing." He takes out his own phone, the two of us typing in each other's information. 

It feels so selfish. I feel like I'm almost using him. I'm trying to be his friend so I have someone to confide in. But I promise myself I won't use him. I'll listen. I'll try to be a good friend. Living as some kind of puppet feels like hell, but I won't become the puppet master.