Percy Winchester: Not Alone

Chapter 9

The song of the chapter is 'Sunflower' by Rex Orange County. I'm pretty excited to write the angsty shiz that's been in my brain, so be prepared. Love ya!

I couldn't feel anything as we left the ghost town. There was just too much to feel. Too much to process. i just killed Sam, my brother. A person who has been in my life for as long as I can remember, is just gone and it's my fault. He taught me how to read, he saved my life hundreds of times and I couldn't save his once. He's dead because I wanted him to do the 'moral' thing. I can't even look up from the floor of the car. Too afraid to look at the empty seat. It's my fault it's empty. It's not fair! He was supposed to be a lawyer! He was supposed to have a normal life with Jess! This demon took everything away from him! And for what? A stupid army? I could feel the anger burn through my body. I need to do something, this isn't fair. I barely even feel my nails digging into my arms and my body shaking. What is happening? Why can't I control my body? I start to panic and I can feel my body shake more. Stop focusing on yourself! You need to make this better.

I sat in the car long after we pulled up in front of a house. I wanted to be with Dean and Bobby, but I just couldn't. I couldn't move or shift my gaze from the floor. Dean came back out a while after he left. I think he thought I was sleeping, but didn't comment on it. All he said was, "Percy, let's go inside. you need some sleep. "It's been a long day." I try to tell him I'm fine, but I still can't talk, great. He tries to pull me out, but sighs and picks me up. I feel bad that I can't move. I'm being stupid and useless. My body broke out of it's trance the second we walked through the door and I saw Sam in the other room. I couldn't control myself as my body seized up before, throwing itself out of Dean's arms and running right back outside before collapsing into the gravel on the side of the car opposite from the house. It's shaking violently and I know there are tears on my cheeks and shuddering, heaving breathing going through my throat, but it doesn't feel like me. It feel like I am looking down on myself, like I'm not really here. I hear Dean run after me and try to get me to go inside. He pleads and begs and bargains, but I can't. My body has officially shut itself down and only allowed panic to take control. I feel trapped. Dean gives up after a little while. He focuses, instead, on trying to calm me down. He sits next to me and pulls me on his lap and holds me close so I could hear his heart beat. It always calmed me down, to hear his heart beat, or Sam's. You'll never be able to hear his again, and it's all your fault. I feel new shivers wrack my body and new tears roll down my face. Dean just holds me closer and mutters things I can't understand. He puts his head in my hair and I can feel tears slowly soak it. He holds me close until exhaustion finally shut my body down.

My body shoots up in a soundless scream, but stops once something tightens around it and I immediately panic. I'm stuck, I need to escape. "Shh, calm down. It's just me. It's just Dean." I stop fighting, but my body doesn't stop shaking. We sit in silence for a few moments before Dean speaks, "Percy, can you say something to me? You haven't spoken a word." I shake my head, 'No I can't. I want to, more than anything, but I can't.' "Do you want to?" I nod. "Then why don't you?" I untangle myself from him before brushing enough gravel away so I can draw in the dirt beneath it. Can't. "Why not?" He sits up to read better. I erased the previous writing before brushing more gravel to fit Don't know. Can't for a day now. Dean nods, but I don't think he understands why. He'd tell me if he did. "Do you want to try to go back inside?" I shake my head. There's no way I'm ever going back inside. "Well, uh, I've gotta go talk to Bobby, I'll be back soon, okay?" I nod numbly and absentmindedly drawing in the dirt.

I don't really remember much of what's happened the last few days. It's kinda like I'm watching a movie, but keep looking off screen so I don't see everything that's happening. Dean's managed to get me as close as the porch. He's been drunk a lot and it's worrying me. He's more irrational and sudden. It scares me. I don't tell him though. I can't. We still don't know why I can't talk. Bobby thinks I should go away, to somewhere called Chiron's. He thinks I can't talk because I'm traumatized or something. Dean is starting to believe him, I think. They communicate mostly in yelling now, so I mostly know what's going on. Speaking of yelling, they're doing it again. I automatically cover my ears to block it out. I hate what's happening, but I can't leave. It's my fault it's like this, so I don't deserve to be able to leave.