13 Deaths

Drowned

The story is not suitable for younger than 17 years-an extremely depressing story, it can have bad influence on sensitive people, auto-destructive parts, suicide in the main focus, disturbing and shocking scenes, mild cursing in some parts, the use of alcohol and narcotics, sarcasm and bitterness in some parts, personal perspective. Don't try anything of the above. The story is some kind of autobiography and it's subjective, it was not my intention to offend someone but to tell my morbid story, I apologize if someone gets offended by what I write, I really didn't mean to do that. It was not my goal to present myself as a victim- I don't think I am, but to from my own perspective write about the things that brought me to the end.
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10/20/2017

-DROWNED -

 Outside it's dawning, but in my mind  it's eternally dark.

 In front of me is beautiful water that shines on the first rays of today's sun, pushing me away from itself- as if it was telling me, "Go, enjoy my beauty from a distance, don't get closer!" ,but I can't listen to it, with a trembling step I'm moving towards it, knowing what's coming next. I don't know how I got to this - it seems to me that I've long ago closed my eyes and can't open them anymore, everything I see in front of me is an vast darkness called my future. I can't hope , I can't feel, I can't exist. Worry has eaten my feelings and hope, it has eaten me from inside. What remained is just a breath. I don't need it either, I don't want to breathe anymore.

 I looked the people of my age who from enthusiastic teenager became adults, becoming busy people, students, or even mothers and fathers. Wordlessly I watched how they make mistakes, triumphs, go in search of new discoveries, quietly ushering them with my numb eyes, while still standing in the same place. Sometimes they turn and say that I have changed too. Lie. The void doesn't change, it can only be filled with something. My void is filled only with a melody that disappears somewhere in the space, making me return to the bottom. I am looking around, but all have gone - only my reflection in the broken mirror has remained, it shows me that I am alone in all this. That's fine, I'm not worth enough to be part of someone's life. It is a great honor to be part of someone's life - mutual help, respect, feeling of belonging ... It must be nice to have someone who cares about you.

 Like everything died in me then, I really don't know when this started, you suddenly realize that you don't exist anymore. Misfortune takes you - glass is no longer half-full, half-empty, it's completely empty, making you realize that nothing is important anymore, neither your life nor anything else. Everything begins to fall into an immense abyss, even you find yourself so close that you can't escape anymore. As a chain reaction, this damn sensation of nothingness pulls your whole life down; others begin to leave you, you lose the will for work, creation, life. For everything. Everything you love is destroyed or crippled under her cruel feet, but it's not enough for her. She wants YOU too.

 And when I thought that this unusually long-lasting sadness was only temporary and that it would disappear soon void shouted at me: "Die, you must die!" In panic, I ran away in the farthest part of my mind, fearing that she would come, but she knew where I was. At the same time I would hear the claws scratching the door, sometimes going in and hitting my head and lungs with its fist,  then coming out as if nothing had happened, leaving a dust of oblivion behind me.

 I was sixteen. My pain was not enough to her, she wanted my blood this time. For the first time she took a few drops. In the meantime, a few drops became a few dozens of milliliters. At last, she took several hundred milliliters, leaving me pale as lime. And that was fine, too. Nobody needs me anymore anyway.

 What once was a cheerful child for which everyone said was good, beautifully educated and sympathetic became a wraith that, under the influence of alcohol and drugs, walks through the school hallway. Pale wraith with an empty glance, eyes that don't know how to cry, although they want to. I move away my eyes from a mirror, I don't want to remember myself because I don't stay long.

 Everything was around me: blood puddles, a medicine that became a poison, a stunning elixir to boost the effect of poison, scarves that brutally embraced my neck, but there were no words to inspire me, the hand of friend and the right solution. I'm so deep that no one can free me again. I am so deep, very deeply buried, to see the remains of other's bones around me, it is enough to put a gravestone on my head and declare me dead so that my existence can be finally done. No life in me, I am dead.

 What is the reason for our existence? The hell would know, I don't know. Everybody has some reasons, but what is the common reason? Why is something so passable and uncertain as life so complicated? Why this all torture, if I will die anyway? Why do I do this? What if everything that I created is not good enough to exist? What if my works get destroyed? Oh dear, why am I living then, why I create? Who am I living for, if they will also die once? Is it at all worth it? .... why to think ... it's all in vain. I can no longer walk on this path of pain.

 I walked away from the path, slowly approaching a moody river. It seems quiet, but it's just a mask, its interior hides the sweet bitterness of non-existence that will soon be waiting for me. Oh, how much I've dreamed this scene! I leaned over and began to collect the most beautiful stones that stood on the shore. I wanted to keep them all, so I began to fill all my pockets with them. My massive black coat suddenly became triple heavier, which was my intention. I spread my arms and went to embrace the river, I knew that she was delighted to see me and that I'll become part of her. She may have told me, however, that I shouldn't approach her too close, but it was too late. She dragged me into the vortex and I felt all her weight on my lungs. Although I had felt a constant weight on my lungs all these years, which quietly destroyed me, this was still unbearable. The more I moved, more water I inhaled, which was one step closer to death. Pain, pain, pain! And then everything went silent. My thoughts are gone. Pain is gone. I don't exist anymore.

 The stones pulled me deeper, where the mud dances like a sea grass on the river bed. The river's plants wanted to see what a new creature was among them, so they slowly came in and greeted with my hair, gently overlapping it, while the fish rushed furiously, returning when they made sure I don't move.

 The noon. The fisherman throws his net, hoping for a good catch and then extracts 2-3 of the larger salmons. "Today I have incredible luck!" - thought, then cast the net once again. His next catch wasn't a river creature, but a person drowned in her own suffering. The shocked fisherman pulled my body to the surface, quietly cried for another young person killed by suffering that void created. He returned the boat to the shore and went for help, leaving my body covered with algaes on the shore.