13 Deaths

Frozen

-FROZEN -

 Dressed up in my most beautiful dress I roam through these snow- covered fields. The virgin snow gently covered my dress and my feet, additionally cooling me with its embrace. It started to be colder and the gentle snow turned to the blizzard, so my body started trembling. I don't understand why, my heart is colder than all this ice field.

 Robot. Ice queen. Emotionless person. Whatever they say for me is probably the truth, but this is written strictly sarcastically. How could a person who is oversensitive and whose feelings are so intense that one wrong sentence can ruin them can even be called so?

 Since childhood it was known that it wasn't okay to cry, not to laugh loudly, not to get rid of frustration by shouting, it shouldn't be spoken if someone is mocking you. Keep quiet and control yourself. Self control. Complete self-control. It doesn't matter you'll became an emotionless robot, it will only bring you good in life. Too bad I will not live long enough so that my coldness bring me bunch of money and the leader position of some company, as it usually happens, so that others will envy me for wealth and I to envy them for being functional beings who enjoy seeing their descendants, rejoicing in small things and having a whole spectrum of emotions unknown to my heart. For now nobody is envy on anyone, but I still look at them and wonder how they do that.

 The lack of emotions has led me to not feel one of the main things in the lives of many people, and that is love. Everybody has different definitions for it, for me it is only a word. A mainstream, boring word that is heard everywhere. I have a instinct for protecting weaker, especially towards my animals (with people it always ends badly), but I don't feel like I love anyone. There is a feeling of belonging to a group, liking something or just a temporary euphoria, but true love should be more than that, however to me it seems as an unnecessary complication. I'm not sure how it works at all, how is it possible to be so close to somebody and at the same time to have positive feelings for that person? How can they let themselves into it so much and let mind wander behind them?

 At some moments I imagine that I would like to feel what it looks like, but then my mind reminds me that I am the slave of my sanity.

 I don't know if people are thinking about all this at all, or just let go, but I know that the intimacy is horrifying to me. Every time I imagine a kiss or a moment of flirt something in me breaks and I realize that I don't want it ever in my life, and then I am covered with a feeling of disgust. I feel like a child to whom an unknown man approaches in the street and wants to do something bad to it. I have never become an adult, such adult things make me freak out, it probably means that I will die alone which would be a medicine for my lonely soul. I hate when someone touches me, let alone go much further, I really don't know how I became such a non-social creature.

 A huge barrier prevents me from feeling, I don't know how to have trust, love and desire for some creature. The only thing I have loved in my life endlessly, and if it is something alive, are my animals. Unfortunately, I'm so ill-fated that these creatures slip out of my hands, falling into the abyss of death from where I can't get them, no matter how much I stood over the abyss and cried for them. It happened that I was with them till the end, trying to save them but death would always take them. I'm such an emotionally unlucky, why is this happening to me? Nobody stays in my life-friends are leaving and it's tiring to even talk to some new people, animals die, love is not possible. I am completely alone in this. As time passes by I'm getting more and more away from others, my coldness drives away and those who are approaching. Why would somebody try to unfreeze something worthless if many nice things are glittering under the sun rays that makes them even more beautiful? My sun has long since shut down, my lips  no longer smile and don't rejoice over others.

 Every time someone tries to unfreeze me and then gives up (because no one would waste time on, as I have already said, something worthless), more ice is created around me. I can no longer be seen under that ice, I'm  lost forevermore. It is painful when you are someone who is an outsider, when they consider you selfish and uninterested, while you know that you try like a maniac to prove to someone you are a good person. Why do I bother? They will always see an ice, not a person inside. Many are criticizing me I'm guilty of not letting people in my life, but I can't do it, my psyche kills me inside. Would I want this? Would I want to be a chronic loner with the diagnosis of a "lost case"?

 Forget it, world, I see that I don't belong in sunny fields. I return to my ice world.

 The long black dress has long since became white from the snow, just like my hair. For several hours I've been walking in the snow, without some obvious reason and direction. Actually, for others it would look like that, but I know I'm on the right track, for the right reason.

 I'm trembling uncontrollably, my limbs are cut off from the coldness. I can no longer stand, I only feel that my body touches the snow, and then the pain continues to take up the rest of my body with the same intensity. The heartbeat was slowly stopping. Now, my soul is the warmest ever , since I am in hell. Sarcasm. I don't believe in hell. We people created hell here. The last breath froze in the air and then flew to the sky.

 The next morning the blizzard was stopped and the sun appeared, for the joy of many people, and began to melt the fields covered with snow. Its rays were reflected in the last tears of corpse in the snow.