13 Deaths

Injected

-INJECTED -

 I looked at this little bottle in my hands once more and tried to find some sort of sanity within myself, which was simply impossible. The panic occupied me again, again washed up my brain.

 I am connecting the beginning of the panic with elementary school and the first unpleasant social situations that have led to a greater panic. I know that my attacks make me boring, overdramatic and/or, like a total lunatic, to be rumored about. I know all of that. Maybe I am a lunatic. I surely am.

 All of this is connected: mockery, loneliness, bad self-confidence, panic. All of that is around my neck and drag me on the dust of what was once my mind. You think that you are not worth it, that you are not like the others - I really appreciate the originality and don't speak in that sense, but in the sense that I don't value myself as a person. Too much mockery, too little encouragement. I believed them.

 I dropped my head down as I walked through the street, looking down not to see people in front of me, I was scared of them because they were laughing at me. I was still a child, so it left a bad memory in my head. Later conversations began to be the source of inconvenience and fear. I can't talk with the loud, hot-tempered or too happy people, I completely lose myself in that situation and became scared to talk. I'm afraid while walking on the street, it happens to me to see the faces of the past on the people I see for the first time, the paranoia completely catch me and the chain reaction of bad memories starts... My brain explodes and I feel in a second that fear is turning into rage, rage into fear, fear into sadness, sadness into anger ... The heart starts to beat faster, eyes want to cry, but can't, breath is getting harder. When attack happens in the house, some kind of autodestruction is calming me, either drinking alcohol, sedatives or making cuts and bruises on my own body. During one attack I stabbed my hand with a fork, once I made a black bruise on the whole forearm (whole length), a bunch of times hitted my head on the wall, made a lot of wounds on my arm. The sedative is not a long-term solution, it seems to me that nothing helps in the long run, alcohol has only caused addiction. Autodestruction is the best for me. Everybody is afraid of something, the problem is when fear prevails and takes control.

 Every new evening represents a new tempest of thoughts that makes it difficult for me to go to sleep, my weak hands can't stop that avalanche of snow that covers me every night. Even when I'm sleeping there is no better situation,nightmares get into my subconscious. Bunch of running away, fear and other concerns are in them, reminding me of what troubles me even during the break. In the morning I would be anxious and the new chain of worry could begin. Anxiety doesn't give you a break, you always have to work for it.

 It's as if a huge clock is standing in the hall of my mind and tells me that there is little time left, contrary to the nothingness that tells me that nothing matters. You want everything, you want nothing. Everything and nothing. It's impossible to have both. Nothingness and panic want different things. There is no time, there is too much time, there is no calm, it is too calm. There is no sanity... Well, there's really no sanity. The time passes, it scares me. I don't become younger, I feel like a child. Wrinkles appear and I haven't grown up. I need to accept new duties, society expects it, the same society that is rude to me. They are better than me, I am nothing. I don't want to grow up, I want to feel functional; children are the ones that adults work for, I am not a child because I work and I haven't grown because I am a child inside. What am I? The monster, the waste of our society? Do I exist at all? Does world exist? Why trying when everything is in vain ... Ha, paranoia and nothingness agree in one thing- it's all in vain.

 After paranoia always comes nothingness, blissful in its simple emptiness, to cover me with its melody. It seems that I will always be alone, the paranoia takes people away from me with its insane fear. I fear to let them come closer, in the end they rip off your heart and disappoint you. I don't want to let them go any closer, I'm freaked out by their showing of tenderness. What to do, I'm a savage, I should go back to the forest where I came from.

 The past disturbs me to the limits. Ironically, I wasn't a culprit, and yet I'm upset about the things that others don't care about. They probably didn't even think about it and yet I can't stop thinking. I'm balancing on the edge of the volcano, moving from the chaos of hundreds of thoughts to complete emptiness. If I could at least turn it into the most beautiful chaotic painting on the canvas, I would be a grand artist.

 Winter comes, it scares me like all the other seasons. I'm afraid how we'll continue. I'm afraid of the rain, I'm afraid of lightning and thunder. I'm afraid of the wind when it starts to blow harder, I'm afraid of the sun. Sun means a change in dressing and for me and extra stress. I have to hide in black. I have to hide the proof of my paranoia. Proof that I'm not okay. I will never tell them that, it would bring even more paranoia. I don't know how to say the problem, so I write. I have no idea what I'm writing, the hand moves alone. When I read it, I can't connect it in my mind. The words have long since become irrelevant.

 I am afraid of my reflection in the mirror, the volume of my voice, my shadow, the sounds, the rays of light, the day, the night, the sunset, the sunrise, the past, the future, every moment ... I fear everything when the panic takes my body. If at least I was on drugs I would know that it is all part of a bad overdose and that there is an exit. This way I don't know  what I am on, I don't even know do I care for myself anymore.

 Slowly stinging, the needle arrives to my vein, mixing my heated blood with its cold potion until the last drop has ended in my bloodstream. I got it out and put a gauze in order to make sure the fluid will remain in me. This will not cause addiction, the dose is greater than the one that causes  sensations. This dose ... will bring me peace.

 Slowly I felt it starts to work, maybe at first it was because of the needle's sting, but then I felt the breath calming down, until it completely stopped.