13 Deaths

Hung

-HUNG-

 King and queen of our lives. We all have one - sometimes they are not with us, leave us, kneel down before mortality. Even when the king and the queen are beside us it doesn't mean that we will be in the castle as the princes and princesses next to them . Sometimes we are just servants, jesters, knights who sacrifice life for the king and the queen. My king and queen have not saved their kingdom- in vain I keep the crystal if hundreds of diamonds are broken with a pneumatic hammer.

 In all this concrete empire it was forgotten about my growing up. The Queen and the King were in the kingdom, but they seemed to be somewhere far away. Too bad that couldn't wait so they could dedicate to me later.

 Buying a toy, suit or chocolate would not fill the emotional void I was not aware of, I needed a company. I was like a porcelain doll under a glass bell, but I was actually a plain plastic doll covered with an old dirty cloth. Kids? What is that? I knew only for adults. There was no time, they had to work and they didn't think about it. I do not blame them for that, I know they had to, but it brought me problems at school later.

 As they closed their eyes to the enemy's army a large part of the kingdom was ruined and then, little by little, the kingdom fell along with sanity. Perhaps the sanity never existed, who would know. Quarrels have started. Before that there were queen's shouts and the threat that she will leave me for every child's mischief, and I would cry and beg her not to do it, thinking that I have no choice. Now I understand where the fear of abandoning came from -she pushed it to the core of my being, making me feeling guilty for being a child.

 When the argues started for the first time I saw a completely different picture of my home- it became the battlefield in which I was the greatest victim. As they shouted for one another because of things that none of them were guilty of, I cried and kicked myself with all my strength because I could no longer bear that shouting. It was not rare that such things were happening before I went to school so I usually went scared, worrying if everything would be okay when I came back. My moans were long, I would barely calm down after them, but it didn't matter because the two of them were self-absorbed.

 A few years later I became an active member of it, through I hate quarrels - they would simply get me into it or the most ordinary discussion would became a fire. I remember this terrible day when they were arguing outside while neighbors were listening, those the bloody crawlers who led them to that, and then the queen kicked  several months-old kitten and killed him. I will never forgive her, she put her anger in front of someone's life. It brought a lot of tears from my side, but also anger.

 In high school, I realized how much I despise that being- she always wants the best, thinks she's worth a lot and underestimates others just like that, including me. I would have brought good grades at home and behaved fairly, but always everyone else had the words of praise from her. She puts her poison, her damn expensive poison whose smoke is suffocating me for a years, in front of us, even when we have no money for food she must have nicotine or she eat us alive with her complaining and crying. Then begins the most dreadful drama in which she threatens, shouts, says she wants to leave house. During one quarrel she almost hit me with bigger piece of wood,which could have left a consequences. Well, I understand that if I make some mistake in what I'm doing right now I can end up with permanent brain damage, but I have no other choice. During the each debate I am put to the deepest bottom and after that I have no will for life, her insults reach to the tiniest cell in my body.

 She's always waiting, never does anything first. If someone makes mistake she will always carp about it, regardless of the fact that she was passively waiting someone else to do something. Her naivety and chattering only made a difficult situation worse because she gave some informations to strangers that they shouldn't know. That brought the whole family into an unpleasant situations many times.

 I could write for the hours about the queen's traits and how much more I can't bear what she does, but people will think that the king is sinless. From the caring leader, king has become a self-centered creature who no longer listens to others and thinks he is always right. No matter how much I appreciate him I can't stand the morning shouts that sometimes wake me up, all the terrible things that he says during that shouting and that, whenever someone points to a mistake, he begins to curse or make an excuses. It seems that the agreement means nothing for them, even my suggestions- they always do it on their own way. It seems to me that I am a surplus in all this, they make a deals between themselves and argue between themselves. In the end, they often remind me that I am not like others. I know, I'm too insane , I've betrayed them. I'll always be the last thing to worry about.

 I tie a noose for the chandelier, then slide my head through the opening. They are busy with themselves, no problem, at least not yet. I can no longer be a servant and a jester in this castle, I'm not strong enough to be a knight. King would appreciate that but,oh ill-fate, to queen it would not be enough. I'm giving up the throne of a failed kingdom because the king and the queen do not want to work together to rebuild it, they do not want us to try to make it untouchable again. I don't have to be a seer to see a total catastrophe in front of me. The chair fell to the ground and then I didn't see anything anymore.

 They only saw the end of their kingdom and realized how much power one jester held in her hands, and their crowns touched the land because the king and the queen don't exist without their subjects. I did what they had threatened me for years without knowing that I would be the first to decide on this step.