13 Deaths

Broken

-BROKEN -

 The moon illuminated my face filled with rage, sadness and fear. This evening brought back everything that I buried for years in the garden of my mind and I, a fool, thought that I would beat at least some demons on this way. Yes, I will beat them all as soon as I touch this sidewalk in front of me. Well, let's go slowly.

 I left this goddamn town, but the letter still found the way to me and then disturbed me very much. Calling for a court? An unexpected loss? No, even worse. The graduation anniversary.

 Okay, man, how is that worse? Well, when something is in your bad memory then things that reminds you of it makes you upset. I was supposed to do what I really wanted- to rip the shipment into pieces and throw the pieces of paper like confetti around the room, then to cry and try to forget everything with a few glasses of strong alcohol. Instead I did all of this, except the damn ripping. Letter stood and reminded me of the event I didn't want to attend. I was asking myself- would it be good for my psyche? How smart is it to see a persons whose laugh is still haunting me today? Could my fragile psyche take it, will it help it recover? As you can conclude from an intro I made a mistake, a big mistake. I wanted to show everyone that I am stronger than the past, but I ignored the fragility of my sanity.

 I went to the city, who the hell made me to do so, and then took a room in the same hotel where the manifestation was held at the ground floor, it was one of the few hotels anyway. As I arrived in the morning and the charade was held in the evening, I had quite enough time for nonsense called dressing up and, what hasn't been such a stupid idea, drinking a few glasses of wine. At least I slept until the evening.

 The moon appears behind the nearby buildings, evening has already officially started. Through the window I noticed some of the familiar faces and felt that my heart was pounding rapidly. I wanted to give up going down, but I was already ready. I take another sedative and go.

 Given that I am an alternative, I have already been different from all these modern girls in fancy dresses. My gothic combination and dark makeup have stood out from sparkly pastel dresses. Good job, girl, very subtle.

 Logically, the glance of some of these people I dislike stopped on me and stayed there. I only quickly looked them back and slowly went to the side. I took another glass of drink (so what if I took a sedative, don't bother me!), then I sat down at a distant table. Again, I noticed a group of them looking at me and talking something. They must be wondering who am I. I would also sometimes like to know that, I don't know who I am neither.

 Did I act mysteriously or completely stupid - I don't know, but I know that I seemed as the biggest fool to myself. I was supposed to be a Gothic hipster, completely cold and untouchable, and I turned out to be a nervous afraid lunatic. Those two pills were in vain. I was just afraid of who would come to me, hoping that I would get out before it happens. Of course, every familiar face was another millimeter of a knife in my heart, I would bleed if I suddenly pulled it out.

 I played a game with myself- a sip of drink for anyone who is in a bad memory. Let's go, let the flood begin!

 Table right next to the window-girls from the class. Half are okay, for the second half I take a drink. Let me clear this, both the female and male part of the group did this, as if I was a magnet for a laugh. While I made sips for laugh to my weight, my poor material situation, my actions and everything I did, wore, talked ... I was a little dizzy. The only person who would keep me sane didn't come, but that's why the one who will make me completely lose my mind did. Now I realize when and because of whom bullying started, so I don't want her to notice me. I no longer guarantee for my actions, it is better for her to stay away from me.

 As long as they didn't force me to hang out with her I had a good relationship with others. As soon as she interfered into my life, my best friend back then began to verbally abuse me every day and the class turned against me, which turned into very hurtful insults later which are still carved into my brain. Hey, it means that everything was fine with me, but she was the one they couldn't bear! But she is there, talks to them and not thinking about the past, they talk to her, and I'm drinking a second glass! Okay, I have to stop and put myself together. Slowly. Slowly get up and leave the room as seamlessly as possible before it's too late. My psyche already burns, I have to go as soon as possible.

 I ignored those curious glances because I was not interested in them anymore, but that piercing voice behind me... "Hey, we didn't see since high school!" Damn it. I look like myself too much to pretend that it was not me. "I didn't know you were drinking! " It's not something you learn, it comes naturally with other nonsenses in life. I watched her while she was chattering, but then she asked me a question. Life is too short to spend it on this. How it started, my life will last very shortly.

 Without words, I turned and went to the door. I'm not rude, I have the soul too so I can't stand everybody. I know this conversation in my mind: she asks a question, I answer, she keeps the sermon, I piously keep silent. I didn't take enough wine to bow down to her words, so I just tried to go nonchalantly. She kept talking while she was following me. "I don't want to talk," I said the first time. She continues. "I warn you, leave me, I'm not sane right now. "I said the second time harsher, and she started laughing, she thought I was joking. There was a lighting in my eyes while I said furiously "For the last time I'm telling you..." ,but she thought her blabbering would please me.

 I remembered all her betrayals, underestimating glances, everything that I lost because of a toxic friendship in which I got a bunch of stories about her, forgetting my life and my problems, and she was still wearing her mask of naive girl...

 My hand clenched into fist and found the way to her face. They all looked at me, including the teacher who yelled: "What did you do? What happened to you?" I said calmly: "What has been done within me has been haunting me my whole life. This is a punch to all of you, because I've grown old enough to know how to say 'Enough! ' and to stop what hurts me. When I begged that your torture stop you didn't stop, so now you wash the blood from your hands. I will heal my wounds tonight and you will understand that, when the victim is silent, this is not because she is happy to be bullied . Be happy that I just hurt a little bit of nose to the one who hurt me the most, I should have bought a bomb  to kill all of us."

 I took a bottle of alcohol from the reception while I was leaving, unable to listen to the people behind me. Again, they pitied her. I'm just a drunken stupid who punches people with the fist.

 A few floors above I open a massive doors. I'm not on the roof of the world, just on the roof of the building. I opened the bottle, took several sips and  went to the edge. I'm too numb for the smart last words, so I'll just step forward without thinking, but that will be what I want, no matter what my current condition is. A short flight with a scary picture of a sidewalk approaching, then all went black. Another person on the blacklist of that school, the list they want to forget, lists of people who have left their young life under the claws of Death. Intentionally. One person is missing tonight, I will tell him that there was nothing special if we meet.

 I really shouldn't go, this way I will be remembered as an aggressive person. It sucks. It would be better if I remained a weirdo.