13 Deaths

Dead

-DEAD -

 If something doesn't interrupts my daydreaming this time I should succeed. Carbon-monoxide slowly filled the room and I started to suffocate, fainted and died. It is not easy to withstand the pain in the body after inhaling something that is not air, but it was worth it.

 The normal person of my age is thinking about college, love relationships, friends ... and I'm thinking of this. Even after so many years I'm thinking of one and the same thing. I have dedicated life to my own death.

 I usually imagine the "standard" methods, but sometimes I also think of something that is unlikely to do, like harakiri ie seppuku. It's not likely that I would slit my stomach, I have to admit it, I never even made a cut on my stomach ( I only tried it once), let alone to stab with a knife. Not saying that I didn't try, I just failed. While I hold the knife in my hands it happens that I turn it to myself and I try to stab a body, only having a "hard hand" that stiffens and stops me. Sometimes I imagine a sharp blade that quickly cross over my neck or to stab the blade into the heart, it is unlikely that I will succees once. Never say never, not during a nervous breakdown.

 The electric shock never represented a suicide method to me, especially because I'm scared of lightings. I've been had electric shocks several times, I felt a spasm in the heart once, wouldn't really once again go through this feeling when body in a strange contraction combined with pain. Don't be surprised, therefore, if you see me afraid of lightning and flash, these are some childhood fears.

 From the totally crazy methods I think of climbing on the mountain and yodel until the avalanche moves towards me and covers me. Of course I am not serious, it would take too long, I'd die from hypothermia before it. I am serious for yodeling, but I still better go with aria "Queen of the Night" ,it would be a perfect acoustics until a few tons of snow doesn't interrupt my performance. Good, that's insane anyway.

 One of the most expensive ways is paying a professional killer to do all the work. There's certainly a lot of ads on the dark web, but it would cost less to do it myself, anyway it would be obvious that I don't have the will to live. It would be a great idea if I wanted to conceal my suicide, but I have no reason to do so. Here people don't believe that a younger person can suffer from depression and anxiety (let alone other less known disorders) and that they can end up  their own lives because of it. I think it is odd that something that happens so often is such a controversial thing that is pushed under a carpet. If a member of a family in such a community commits suicide it remains as a mark to the whole family, something by which they recognize as a person. Some people are known by occupation, some by places of origin or residence and some unfortunates by suicide. Human insensivity is so sad.

 Thinking leads me to my panic fear of the nudity, which makes me think again of the autopsy. I know, I would be dead and who cares, but my body is just mine and even as corpse I don't want to be on the autopsy table, I would even reject a surgery. This thought made me think about an overseas trip where I can jump from the ship or jumping into an active volcano. Theoretically it makes sense, it's practically more complicated, especially because of the price of that trip. The local river is much closer, but they would find my body and examine the cause of death, which is precisely what I would like to avoid. Knowing myself, what could be found are scars, probably alcohol, possibly some pills and the most horrible body on the planet. I ask myself how a female person can have such an ugly body, even the hair can't alleviate this disaster.

 As far as ways of committing are concerned there are many variations, especially when selecting methods and locations. There are so many poisons in this world, many ways to hurt the body, a lot of things that can serve to choke. Some are more efficient, others are just the way to smaller or worse injuries. For example, cyanide is an extremely strong poison and small doses could be found in cherry's core and apple seeds, but this doesn't mean that a  handful of seeds would kill someone. Paracetamol can cause damage to the liver and cause painful death, to someone even 500mg can be bad, I didn't personally had a problems with the dose of more than 3000 mg. The fall from the second floor is unlikely to kill an average person, but there would certainly be a consequences, person in bad condition might even die. Allegedly, the bubble of the air in the body can choke the artery and lead to death, which is possible when a greater amount of air is injected, but I injected as much as it stays in the syringe, while the injection of the fluid was painful (who knows how much would hurt someone with a normal sense for pain?) It was barely possible to move my arm. Suffocation ... it almost killed me. It took many times that the cord or tape brings close to death, but the head was accustomed after a while to a high pulsation, tongue's seizure and pressure in the head, especially in the eyes, and you find yourself in a half-conscious state releasing cord before Death comes, because muscle strength disappears. The solid support works a little differently, so I don't release it, but it didn't go neither . For this reason, I also took alcohol, realizing that this might be a missing link in the morbid circle, because it has a sleeping effect. Sometimes I have a scar on the neck that is visible, but it heals faster than the scars on my arm. Luckily, I know to hide it.

 Evening, the hardest part of the day. Solitude, the hardest part of eternity. I'm staring at my ceiling,wondering is it worth trying more years if it's going to end this way anyway. Can life be even more meaningless? Birth, life, death. Over and over again.

 The bridge is in my dreams, somehow a standard part of them. For some people it means moving to new things or gateway to a new life path, for me it is the end of my life. Someone else is on the bridge, some unknown person, on the other side of the fence. People are coming up, they make a comments, some are scared, some are angry, some are evil but nobody comes to save the person. As I got closer I moved to the other side of the fence and, giving my hand to the person, I said, "You will not be alone where you go. If you go behind this fence you may find recovery, well-being, people who care about you. If you want to go ahead, I'll keep you by your hand not to be alone, to have a friend who understands your pain. Whatever you decide, you're not the only one."

 So many people stood on the edge and nobody did anything. So many people ended their lives today, not even thinking that in the different place someone feels the same as they do. That's why I still make things like this - not because of selfishness and self-absorption, but because I'm not the only one walking through life like a zombie, waiting for the day D. The Day of Death. Many of us are in this world.

 The person caught me by the arm and then we jumped together in the river where the end was waiting for us, but there was also the end of my dream. I'm staring back to the ceiling. Clock is ticking. The time passes. Life is passable.

 The hardest way to end this life would be to wait. It would take longer than my soul can bear, so I don't think it would work on long runs. It's the only way that can't be controlled or planned, it just scares me with its  unpredictability because you are forced to look how it takes other people around you and you can't do anything. It would be another reason why I want to go before them, it's hard to watch people you know disappearing. If she doesn't come to me first I will always know how I will come to her- Death and I will nevertheless unite one day ....

The end
11/19/2017
Suzana Ristic Suza
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