And His Jacket Smelled of Cigarettes

31 · Feelings

     The next morning, I sat at the table, my arms crossed. Athan sat on my left, Shay on my right, and Duke straight across from me. Duke had his elbows on the table, hands resting under his chin. I tried not to make eye contact.

     "You should eat, Jenny. How long has it been? I think you've lost wei--"

     I stopped Shay mid-sentence, replying with a harsh, "I'm fine."

     Shay frowned and continued to eat, the food she had chosen for breakfast being a bowl of corn flakes. Athan drank only coffee, the bags under his eyes becoming more noticeable by the day. Just looking at him made me angry.

     An awkward silence followed, and all at once, I couldn't take it anymore. I finally broke the silence slamming my hand onto the table, almost scaring Shay out of her chair.

     "When was the last time you ate anything, Athan?" I prodded.

     "It doesn't matter," he said, sipping on his coffee with his eyes closed.

     "To hell with that! You saw what Donn turned into. Is that what you want? I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation--"

     "I don't think you do, Jen. You need to calm down."

     "How can I be calm? Are you really-- fuck, you're so-- so..."

     "Jenny, please, he's just trying to help--" Shay said gently, but I ignored her. The pent up rage from the past week was overwhelming at this point.

     Athan looked at me coldly. "There's nothing you or anyone can do. All we can do now is wait."

     "Until what? My inevitable death?" I rubbed my throat, the bandages tighter than usual. "You're keeping me under house arrest instead of actually doing something." I stood up, a strong head rush making my eyesight fuzzy and my legs almost buckle. I used the table and steadied myself, looking at the people around the table. "Donn will find me. You said it yourself."

     "You'd be better off alone facing a hungry tiger in a cage than fucking around outside of this house, Jen. You don't get it! Look at you!" Athan gestured to me and raised his voice for the first time.

     "Don't you dare use me as an excuse, Athan! It's all your fucking fault I'm even in this mess!"

     "I think we should all settle the fuck down--" Shay tried to intervene again, but Athan and I weren't listening.

     "What did he do to you, Jen?" Athan set his coffee down and pushed his chair back, rising out of the chair slowly. "He put his hands on you in more than one way, didn't he?"

     "Shut up," I hissed. How could he be like this to me?!

     "He manipulated you, beat you, tore into you and after all that," Athan's voice was deep and made me feel sick to my stomach, "he screwed you and pretended he loved you. He buttered you up so good you lost your fucking mind."

     "I said stop."

     "How big is he, Jenny? He showed you, didn't you?"

     "FUCK OFF, Athan!" At this point, he went too far. I leapt at him, clawing at the air where he was standing. He put his arms out to try and stop me, his hands on my shoulders, but I started beating on his chest with my fists. "I fucking hate you! I hate this life! How could you be so cruel? H-How could you?! You were the one that threw me under the bus! You! And... and this is what I get in return for trying to fucking save you people?! This is what I f-fucking get," I cried out, unable to stop myself from breaking down once again. My arms had stopped hitting, my entire body still too tired and hurting to do much of anything. My voice trailed off into short, mouthy sobs, and Athan stood there, looking away from me; his arms were now resting at his sides. I caught some of my breath and continued, barely being able to see from crying so much.