And His Jacket Smelled of Cigarettes

32 · Replays

     I sat up in bed, staring at the floor. It felt like I couldn't move. Athan stood in the doorway, examining me; his eyes looked tired and sad. Suddenly something grabbed my hair and pulled my head backward with full force, and I thought I heard something crack. I gasped for breath but couldn't suck in any air, and that's when I saw Donn, staring down from behind me. His grip on my hair was tight as if he was angry, but he had an easygoing, pleasant smile on his face.

     "Tell me you want me, doll."

     I sat up in bed for the second time, but this time, it was real. I'm getting really sick of these nightmares. A knock on my door and Athan's voice calling my name made me realize he had probably been standing out there for a while. He opened the door and peeked inside, seeing I was sitting up.
    
     "Good morning," he said, his voice sounding a bit rhaspy, "I have some news. I thought you'd like to know right away." Though it was night outside, this was our morning.
    
     I swung my legs around so they were now hanging off the edge of the bed and I stretched, wincing at the pain it caused. I was so stiff, but my wounds made it hard to loosen everything up. I blinked a couple of times and rubbed my eyes. "Yes. What's up?"
    
     That was Athan's cue and he stepped in slowly, staring at me for a second and then closing the door. He leaned against it, searching for words with a pause before he spoke. The completely exhausted look on his face made me wonder if he had slept at all. Ever since I left and came back from Donn, all Athan did was dart around and barely look at me. Most of the time, I didn't even see him in the house.
    
     "Duke's 'friends' accepted. They're going to try and find him."
    
     I perked up, my chest tightening with excitement. "R-really?" I looked down, relaxing. "This... is the first real good news I've heard in a long time."
    
     Athan folded his arms and looked at me, not saying anything else. I sighed, knowing how much he wanted to say. But I knew he wouldn't.
    
     "Athan..."
    
     "Guess I'll stay out of your way, huh?" Athan shifted his weight off the door and grabbed the doorknob. "I'll let you know if we get wind of anything else substantial." With that, he walked out and closed the door behind him, not giving me another chance to say anything. I cursed under my breath, being mindful that it wasn't really directed at Athan. He had a right to be feeling the way he is. Donn had always taken everything from him, and now...
    
     I couldn't help but feel a little confused emotionally. If things had been different, I would be with Athan. I still liked him, but... it was hard to put my finger on. With everything that's happening, the brothers both have their faults. Some more threatening than others, of course.
    
     Mentally preparing myself, I willed my legs to let me stand, trying to ignore the throbbing pain that radiated throughout my body. I knew I should rest more, but there was just too much going on. I went to my door and opened it, looking around. The place was silent, save for the crickets that were chirping loudly outside. There must be thousands of them, I thought to myself. Shaking my head, I continued through the house to the front entrance, opening it as quietly as I could. As my pupils dilated and adjusted to the night, I saw a familiar scene: A figure standing and leaning against the railing, smoking a cigarette.
    
     "Athan," I said, stepping out and closing the door behind me, "we... should talk."
    
     "What about," he asked, though it sounded more like a statement than a question.
    
     "... Everything."
    
     Athan turned around, now resting his elbows on the railing with the cigarette pinched between his lips. His full attention was on me.
    
     "You know... I... used to stalk you." I cringed at the word. I hated it, but what more accurate word could I use?
    
     Athan blew smoke out of his nose, talking out the side of his mouth. "I know."
    
     "I'm... just sorry," I folded my arms, realizing how cold it was outside, "I never meant... to hurt you."
    
     "What makes you think I'm hurt by any of this?" Athan put his hand to his mouth and took a long drag from the cigarette, blowing a large cloud to his right. I gave him a confused look.

     "You are too obvious, Athan. The way you've... been acting toward me. The things you said when you were angry--"

     "I'm sorry for the things I said. I was angry. Even my last resort would never be to hurt you." Athan tossed the cigarette onto the porch, stepping on it. "Not on purpose."
    
     "I know that..."
    
     There was a long, awkward silence, and I walked next to him, keeping my voice down low. He didn't look at me.
    
     "At first he... did try to force himself on me," I said, my stomach churning with nervousness, "but... he never got to."
    
     Athan turned to look at me, studying my face closely, as if searching my eyes for signs that I was lying to him. In this light, Athan's look had totally changed. His features were hard and cold; he almost looked scary. He finally looked away, seeming more distant than before.
    
     "It doesn't matter," he spoke finally, his low voice making my heart ache. Every moment I spent with him seemed to make him hurt more.
    
     "Athan--"
    
     "Can you just stop? Why are you out here tonight? To pity me?" He pushed off the railing and started walking toward the door, but spun on his heels and faced me again. "I don't need your pity. I don't need anyone."
    
     "I..."
    
     After a few minutes, Athan approached me again, grabbed my chin gently, and made me look up at him. His eyes expressed a sadness I can't describe, and they were focused on me like nothing else existed. "No matter how much I want to believe it's something else. Something he did to you..." He let his hand drop from my face, looking away. My heart skipped a beat. "Whether it actually be something he did or not... I know you aren't mine. And I won't ever force you like he did. No matter how much I want you. No matter... how much it hurts." He shoved his hands into his pockets, his eyes now trained to the moon. I stayed silent, not knowing what to say. He started walking down the stairs toward the forest that was nearby.
    
     "You're something special, Jennifer," he called out to me, turning around one last time, "And I won't ever forget that. Do you think he will?"
    
     He spread his hands outward with a shrug, letting his arms drop with a slap to his sides. I watched him walk away, feeling sick to my stomach. Athan felt colder than the air outside.