After She Knew

Chapter 63 - Where is he?

18 Days

After that kiss that shouldn't have happened, I felt terrible for so many reasons that I don't know where to begin with.

First, the reason why I kissed James wasn't fair, even if it was barely a kiss. I did it because I was feeling lonely as hell and I was also mad at Tyler for what he said to me at the coffee shop, so I wanted to forget about everything.

The second reason why I shouldn't have done that, is because I spent the rest of that day feeling like shit. Instead of focusing on moving on and enjoying being withJames, all I did after was think about Noah. Again, not fair with James.

Stop thinking about him, he doesn't care about you. How many time do I have to tell you that?

I'm done with you, seriously.

Oh, let's not forget the third reason. Noah might be gone, but his legion of fans didn't forget him. As soon as people saw me - I repeat, barely - kissing James, the gossip started.

''I can't believe she replaced Noah just like that.''

''I knew she was a slut.''

''Wow, she moved on pretty fast. She clearly never loved Noah.''

''She never deserved him.''

I thought I was dealing well with what people were saying about me and Noah, but I guess that's just because I've been practically locked in my dorm all the time up until last week.

Hiding seemed like a great way to deal with my problems, only it wasn't.

James is such a nice guy that he never tried to make a move on me after that day. I guess it's clear that he's letting me decide how this goes and I'm thankful for that.

That's how much of a gentleman he is.

The thing is that we're in different places about this. I know we are, but it didn't stop me from agreeing on going out with him again.

What is wrong with me? I should just do what I have to do and stop--

''Ems, are you sure you are ok?''

''What?'' I look at the boy sitting next to me, with his bright smile and I feel guilt consuming me.

''You zoned out again.''

I got completely lost in all these thoughts that I forgot for a second that I'm not alone.

''Sorry James, I just have a lot on my mind right now.''

He's being nothing but understanding, but I can't tell him that what I'm actually thinking is how confused I still am because of Noah, even if it seems easier today than the past few days. I'm finally getting better.

''I know. You know I'm here for you, right?'' I smile, but I feel like shit for doing this to him.

''You're a great guy, you know that, don't you?'' I mean it. Whoever gets to date him one day will be a lucky girl.

Too bad that I can't be that girl. He deserves so much better than someone like me and I shouldn't be leading him on like this.

He should date a girl that can give him her full heart and not one whose company is a burden because of her ex-boyfriend.

He knows how I feel about Noah, but he's being kind enough not to push the topic. As promised, we didn't mention his name ever since that first time we went out, which is helping my healing process.
We stay in silence for a while just enjoying the amazing view and the silence around us. He planned a picnic for us at a nearby park, that has a small lake and a breathtaking sight.