in and out of love

seven

this chapter is a bit trigger-y, contains mentions of self harm, just please don't read it if it triggers you in any way. you are definitely important.

i love you x

<•>

It has been two days ever since Harry left home, of course he went to Cody's and Louis is doing nothing but letting it all out, sobbing. He's crying, crying for Harry, crying thinking how worthless he is, it's not HarryandLouis anymore. Just Harry and just Louis.

Harry didn't even bother to mention his whereabouts, everything is a havoc, Liam, Zayn and Niall have been trying to reach him but he's ignoring them. Louis is not exactly in a position to talk, he's still having a very hard time processing the events that took place a couple of days back.

Louis didn't know where it went wrong, what might have possibly gone wrong. He gave up his dreams of becoming a lawyer for Harry, stayed home; cooked meals, for Harry, adopted a child an year later after marriage just because Harry wanted one, he did everything for Harry and nothing for his own satisfaction.

His chest is hurting, his entire body is hurting from crying a lot. His heart and his mind are tearing apart thinking about his next steps in life, he doesn't have any financial support and asking Harry for money is ridiculous. He doesn't want to intrude in Zayn's and Liam's relationship by moving into their flat. Niall, well he's also getting settled in a relationship.

Fuck, everyone is happy around him and he's the only sulking pathetic soul, weeping for a person who doesn't give a flying fuck anymore. Louis genuinely thought him and Harry are a forever kind of thing, he really did, also until two days back when Harry said, 'I'm not leaving, baby.' Oh how wrong he was.

And Kate, he's feeling so bad for her, he wanted to give the very best to her but now, now he doesn't even know what to do. He's obviously not going to give her off to Harry. Never.

Louis is looking at a photo album, filled with their pictures from various occasions. Looking at how happy they were, Louis wants to turn back time so bad, so fucking bad. The photo album was like a timeline- pictures from when they started dating until Kate came into their lives. They were fucking perfect.

"Wish we could stay like this forever." Harry sighs, nuzzling his nose into Louis' neck, his arm wrapping around his boyfriend's tiny waist.

"Me too." Louis says, turning his head to kiss Harry's forehead, tucking some hair behind his ear.

"Graduation next week."

"Hmm."

"I have big plans that day, you know." Harry grins.

"Yeah?"

"God, I love you so much, Lou."

He started crying once again, tracing the pictures with his fingers, his head ducked down. He heard a loud wail and he was quick enough to run towards Kate room. Louis picked her up and started rocking her, trying to calm her down. Moments later, her cries subsided and he found himself tightening his hold on her, 'Katherine, I don't want you to leave me too, if you too do that, then I have nothing else to live for, baby,' he whispered in her ear.

-

Third day. Supposedly, the worst day of Louis' life. Harry decided to come back. Not alone, but with Cody. And when Harry entered the house wearing Cody's clothes, laughing and blushing along with Cody, Louis wanted to choke Cody to death. Fucking Cody.

Louis was doing some laundry when he heard the front door open and close, followed by hushed voices and laughs, and there they were.

Louis went into the living room to show off his presence and convey that he's in the damn house too.

"Uh, baby, this is Louis, my-." Harry stopped abruptly.

baby.

"Ex husband." Louis finishes.

"Cody." he says, smiling and stretches his arm. Louis being Louis ignores it and glares at the pair.

Louis scanned him for a few seconds and concluded that he's actually hot and also, he felt even more shittier. Louis tried composing himself, he didn't want to be a cry baby in front of 'Harry's boyfriend' and he internally cringed at that.

"Louis. Be nice."

"Funny if you think I care," Louis says and exits the room, towards the bedroom. He called Liam after a lot of thinking to ask him if he could stay at their place for a while and Liam agreed the next second Louis asked.

Louis is breaking, his mind is getting slowly consumed by those negative thoughts, the mental pressure that is a constant reminder of Louis' insecurities. He hates it, he hates the feeling of that. He needed some physical pain, a mark, a scar that's engraved on his skin like a reminder that he's fucked up.

He rummaged through his cupboard in search of a lighter. His craving for the burn was so extreme and needy, he might start convulsing if he doesn't get it soon.

He placed the lighter on his wrist, placed it there until it started burning, until the mark was visible enough, until it was dark. He cried looking at his reflection in the bathroom, he wanted nothing more than to break the mirror and slice his arms, he wanted to see the crimson red.

He was clean and happy for 7 years and it took three days, three fucking days to wake those inner demons in his mind.

Louis cocooned himself with the duvet on the bed. Listening to Harry's and Cody's lovely talks and happy laughs, he wanted to die. At that instant.