Eight Boys and a Walker girl

20 | I don't want you to get hurt

20 | I don't want you to get hurt

The dance.

It shouldn't really be such a huge deal for me. It's just a cheap, crappy school-dance, probably just the school gym with streamers hung up on the basketball-hoops and balloons bobbing around the ceilings. Kids will hang out in clumps, doing cringey dance moves like the floss or the dab or other various Fortnite dance-moves, whilst music that is years old blares from the speakers. See? Sounds like the least stressful thing ever. It shouldn't be causing me all this worry-

But it is, and the reason I'm lying awake in bed on Thursday night worrying about this crappy school affair is because tomorrow, as soon as Jace and I appear at the dance together- that's when it becomes official.

People have seen us together, of course. We spend pretty much every school break together, walking around the school grounds and talking and laughing. Sometimes, when there are fewer people around, we hold hands, and sometimes- very rarely- when no one is around, we kiss behind the trees, his hands running through my hair as we forget everything around us for a few snatched minutes. None of us ever said to the other we didn't want our relationship widely known- it's just a sort of unspoken rule. But even so, people have probably guessed. Portia stares hard at me every time me and Jace excuse ourselves from the Popular Table, and it unnerves me, because I'm sure she suspects what's up.

But that isn't even the problem. I wouldn't usually have a problem with mine and Jace's relationship known- I'm not ashamed of him in any way. He's cute, funny, kind and popular- there's nothing I don't like about him, apart from those dickhead friends. So why am I so nervous about going to the dance with him?

It's because you're having doubts...

Not about Jace's loyalty to me- to be honest, as long as Danny can't give me any solid proof Jace is cheating on me, I won't even think about it. I don't want to be one of those jealous girlfriends. All I have is the word of my best friend. That isn't what I'm worrying about.

What I'm worrying about is my feelings for Jace in the first place.

I hate even admitting it to myself- but the feelings I had- have- for my boyfriend, the spark and fizzle and melting of the heart and butterflies of the stomach that told me I was in love- seem to fizzle away every time me and Jace meet. I know I still have some sort of feelings for him- I do...they're just...weaker.

What if saying yes to being his girlfriend was a mistake? What if it was too soon? What if all I feel for Jace is a silly crush, and my heart belongs to someone else- someone I can't admit I like very much, let alone love?

I close my eyes, seeing dark, wavy hair and green eyes, a gentle smile in my mind's eye...

Then my eyes snap open, and I fumble by my bedside table to turn on my nightlight. By the alarm clock beneath the lamp, it's five o'clock in the morning.

Why am I thinking about all of these things? Why am I doubting my feelings for my boyfriend, so close to the school dance? Why am I even allowing myself to picture someone else in his place, let alone-

My head hurts from all this.

I need you, Jamie.

During the first few nights after It Happened, I used to lie awake in my bed all night, unable to fall asleep, the image my brother's face stuck in my head, tormenting my mind and bringing waves of tears to my eyes. I'd sit up in bed the whole night, sobbing to myself, and lack of sleep added to my general depression at the loss of my brother the next morning, making me probably the least enjoyable person to spend time with ever. One night, Mum heard me crying to myself, and came into my room. I thought she was going to tell me to keep the noise down, or to go to sleep or something else impossible like that.