Eight Boys and a Walker girl

37 | That night

37 | That night

E v v i e

"And that was the last time I spoke to her."

There are tears running down Julian's cheeks, and he makes no effort to wipe them away this time. I like that- he realises he has nothing to be ashamed of. He knows he shouldn't hide his grief like a secret. He isn't sorry for missing his sister. But it still breaks my heart to see his shoulders heaving, eyes streaming, hear the cracked emotion in his voice. It breaks my heart.

And I also feel so, so upset for him that the last time he spoke to his sister before she died, they were arguing. Holding onto that kind of thing, knowing you could never apologise- I know what that's like. At least, I thought I knew.

When I finally get to see Jamie again, I'm going to apologise until I run out of breath.

"What happened next?" I ask gently, reaching out and rubbing Julian's back gently. "That was the night of the fire...how did you and your brothers all get out?"

He sniffs hard, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. It's more tousled than ever from all the running through it that he's done, from nerves.

"I think someone must've left the oven on after dinner had been made. I don't know...I really have no idea how the fire could have started. Even the oven theory doesn't make much sense, because what could the fire have caught on? All I know is that I was woken up at one in the morning, the sky all dark, and I was so confused and sleepy. It took me about a second to register the sound of roaring and crackling that was the fire...and smell the smoke. It was pouring into my room from the landing, wisps of it drifting through the crack under the door. And I could hear the wood of the door cracking and splintering...the fire was getting too much for it. Frankie was shaking me, and he was shouting and he looked so scared, and I was just so tired that I did as he said..."

Fresh tears bloom in Julian's eyes at the memory of the fire that took his family from him. "He said we needed to get out, get out now. I asked what was going on, and he said there was a fire, and we needed to get out of my window. I didn't even think about the danger or anything- I was so scared, I just literally hurled myself out. I jumped a whole storey down, but a fireman caught me, and I didn't really get hurt. Frankie twisted his ankle when he jumped, but he didn't care- we were all just staring at the house infront of us. The fire looked like red and gold wind...it didn't look real. I was sure the house would survive. The firemen were working hard, and all my brothers were crowded on the pavement with me, in their dressing downs and pyjamas, Bailey crying and everyone else looking so scared and pale- but they were safe.

And then I remembered Jen."

His eyes darken at this memory. "I got so scared, I felt like I was going to pass out. I screamed at my brothers, at the firemen, asking frantically if she was here, if she was safe...maybe she was further down the pavement. But the boys said they hadn't seen her, they'd assumed she was down here...and the firemen didn't even know there was a girl. And that's when I knew...she was still up there."

He reaches up and knuckles his eyes hard. "I tried to run back into the house...I wasn't going to let Jen stay trapped in there, in the smoke and flames. I screamed at the firemen when they grabbed me and held me back. I realised that my parents weren't out either, and I remembered that their room was at the back of the house, furthest from the door...their only escape was out into the garden, but the garden was burning with fire. I tried- Ev, I tried-" he breaks off to try and compose himself enough to continue, rubbing his eyes again. He only succeeds in making them even redder and puffier. "I tried- I fought- but they stopped me from going in. From going in and- and saving them. I didn't save my family."

He breaks down in sobs, and I pull him against me and hold him tight.

"Julian, there wouldn't have been anything you could do, even if the firemen let you go," I whisper in his ear. "You'd have just been burned or suffocated from the smoke and fire. Your brothers would have lost another family member."

He squeezes his eyes shut, his head on my shoulder. "I know- everyone told me. I know it's probably true. But I still feel the guilt, Ev. Because you never know- I could've done something, I'll never know-"

"Julian, if you think like that, you may as well blame all your brothers for not going in after your parents, because they could've done something too!" I protest, stroking through his wavy hair. "It wasn't your fault, you hear me? Your parents deaths, your sisters death- it wasn't your fault. None of it."

"The thing is, I heard her shouting from her window," he whispers. "I heard her voice- and I saw her face at the window, amongst the smoke and flames all around her, the fire glowing so brightly behind her. The whole room was engulfed in flames...and she was screaming-"

He jams his hands over his ears, squeezing his eyes shut, as if he can still hear her animal scream, see the terror in her face. A tear rolls out from under one closed eyelid, and I reach out and brush it away. I gently remove his hands from his ears, holding him as he rocks back and forth, his last sight of his sister replaying in his head.

"I shouted up at her," he whispers hoarsely. " I shouted that I was going to get her. But she probably didn't even hear me. Besides, even if she did, I lied. I didn't go and get her. They stopped me. It may have been the firemen who stopped me from going up there, Evvie- but it was still me who stood by and watched my twin sister burn. And- that is something I can never forgive myself for."

I search my mind for more encouraging words, for reassurance, for comfort. But now he's said that, suddenly all I can think of is That Night. Of what happened that I didn't stop. Of what happened that caused me to, for a month after, believe I was the cause of my brother's death. Something I can never forgive myself for. That's what Julian said.

"I know all too well what that feels like," I murmur, and Julian looks up into my face.

"Evvie..." he straightens up, wiping his eyes, pushing his hair back from his forehead. "Evvie...I've been talking this whole time, crying all over you, acting so weak and stupid, and the real reason we started talking was because of your brother- do you want to tell me-"

He stares at me helplessly. "You helped me, Evvie...I've never opened up to anyone like that about what happened. Fuck it, I barely spoke my sister's name after she died. You saved me, Evvie- it's time for me to listen to you."

I gaze at him. "Julian, you're still not okay, you need more time, we can talk about me later-"

"Evvie, you've done all you can for me. The rest of this healing process is something I need to do by myself." He reaches out, grasps my hand. Rolls his thumbs on the back of my hand, over the knuckles. "You were there for me, it's time for me to be there for you."

I take a deep breath. Inside my chest, my heart is beating so fast, it's almost a hum. This is the first time I'm telling anyone what happened That Night. This is the story that could have potentially made me a killer- the killer of my own brother.

The story I've tried to hard to put behind me. To forget.

Only you can only run from your past for so long before it catches up to you. And now I've run in a full circle, and the only way is back.

I open my mouth, and as I start to talk, I go back. Go back to that night, the one that changed my life.