Eight Boys and a Walker girl

50 | From Julian to Jen

50 | To Jen, from Julian

Um. Hi.

Hey Jen.

It feels like a really long time since I last said that. Like- greeted you. Bumped your shoulder as I came home from school or some party.

Smiled at you.

Uh...I've brought you flowers?

I don't know, you're always meant to do that when you visit dead people's gravestones, aren't you? Bring flowers. I don't know why. It's not like you can see them. Smell them. And you're not even in a grave, you're all out at the sea. A wisp of you in every wave

Anyway. I got lilies. Those big white ones. I know you liked them. You admired them in the gardening centre every time we walked past on the way home from school or the cabin. They cost a shit load but- uh, yeah. I got them for you.

Uh. Here they are...I'll just put them by that candle. I think Harry put it there, in the first few weeks after-

Um. Evvie says not to refer to you as dead. She says I should say 'moved on'. I'm not sure how much I believe in a god of somesort but for your sake, I hope there's a heaven. Somewhere. Or something. After death. Anything, anywhere, where you can hear me. Look down on me, that sort of shit.

Oh yeah, this is Evvie. My friend...well. Maybe a bit more than that.

I wish you'd had a chance to meet her. Evvie, I mean. Though I probably wouldn't have met her if you hadn't di- moved on.

She's amazing.

I'm pretty sure you'd like her. No, I know you would. She argues with me. She doesn't flirt or try to impress me. She's not dumb or a looker with no brains. She just...is.

I think I love her.

It feels a bit weird, being here. This is actually the first time I've come here, since...

The others aren't here. I know they'd want to be...the twins and Bailey and the others. I don't actually see them now. I guess they're busy, settling into their new lives. Harry and Ty are still with me. We're in foster placements now. Harry says to give them time and space. I'm trying.

I'm sure if you were here now, you'd give them an earful for not talking to me. You'd shout and swear and tell them they were being absolute pricks. Ha. You'd be pissed as hell.

But then, if you were here, we'd all still be together.

You know, after you- it- happened- they tried to make me see a therapist? Our social worker- yeah, they got us one of those- I mean. Like, talk to some woman with all these weird soft toys all over her desk and mints that always smelled too strong.

Wherever you are now, you're probably laughing right now.

They wanted me to talk about feelings and shit. Well, that was easy. I didn't have any. So the talking didn't last very long.

A whole load has happened since you-

I miss you. Every day, all the time. When I went to that stupid therapist, they told me to try writing a letter to you. Well, that's fucking dumb, isn't it? Where the hell am I meant to post it to? Throw it into the sea?

It feels weird. Sitting where I am right now, on the edge of the cliff by the cabin, the water so far beneath me. Dangerous, even. Now you aren't here, next to me.

Evvie tells me now that you are next to me. You are the sea, the sky. Remember when Gran used to tell us that dead people's spirits flew up to the sky and became stars? We used to get so salty that we couldn't do it while alive. You always wanted to shine down as a star. I just fancied the flying up bit.