Eight Boys and a Walker girl

45 | Time

45 | Time

In the olden days, people used to picture time as an old man with a long beard. They called him Father Time.

I think I hate Father Time.

All the moments in which I feel happy pass before they've barely even started. But as I huddle in my seat in the waiting area outside the Operation Room 1, feeling sick to the stomach with fear, the minutes crawl by so slowly that time barely seems to pass at all.

"A couple of hours," Mum told me. "A couple of hours and it should all be over. A couple of hours...then we'll know."

It's probably been like thirty minutes. But it seems like I've been waiting here forever.

I feel like I'm in some hospital drama. Mum paces back and forth, emptying the vending machine of various fizzy drinks in cans, overpriced chocolate bars and packets of mini cheddars, occasionally going outside into the cold, dreary courtyard to walk up and down between the flower beds. Nurses hurry about the foyer, dashing into the operating room, and I always hold my breath when they come out- but they always come out alone. Never with Jamie.

I'm wracked with guilt on how I last spoke to Jamie. All my anger at him has dissipated into a dull pain. If he doesn't make it- I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself. I keep picturing our last moments together in my head- me shaking with fury, unable to look my brother in the eye; him sobbing like a scared boy, and I feel horrible for how I made him cry. I made him cry, and if he dies, that will be the last memory he has of me. Jamie will die with the image of my fury at him in his mind. I don't think I can bear it.

He can't die.

I feel a stab of pain in my thumb, and that's when I realise that I've been chewing the pad of my thumb, chewing it until it bleeds. I wince, pulling my hand from my mouth and stuffing my hand into my pocket. At least the pain is distracting.

I don't know when Elena comes back in, but at some point she's infront of me, asking if I want any tea.

"There's a woman with a tray, and I have a few quid. It will probably taste nasty, but I can buy us some if you'd like?"

I nod, then shake my head, then nod again. My mouth is dry, and I need something to wet my throat. A few moments later, a piping hot paper cup is being pushed into my hands, making me wince again from the heat. I bring the rim to my lips and take a sip. It's burning hot, so hot that I can't even taste it.

I sip at the tea, tiny tiny sips that I stop noticing after a while. At some point, I realise that the tea has gone cold. I glance up at the clock, and realise that it's nine in the evening.

I wonder what day it is, and suddenly realise that it's Monday. The last day of the three-day weekend. Ever since we found out Jamie was alive, I've kind of lost track of time. With tomorrow comes school, comes facing everyone with the knowledge that- what? That my brother is alive? That my brother is dead?

I don't know. And it's the not knowing that I can't stand.

It's only when I feel the boiling sting of hot water on the leg of my sweatpants that I realise that my hand is shaking so much that I've split my tea.

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I'd like to apologise for the shittiness of the last few chapters. They're so short, really boring, and kinda just all over the place. When this book is finished and I have some time on my hands, I promise I'll work really hard on editing and perfecting the chapters that I don't like. But it's actually been really hard writing these last few chapters- I want to make them short and inconclusive because I want you guys to feel like Evvie- waiting and not knowing. But at the same time I'm aware of how sloppy my writing is, so I'm sorry lol :)

If I had to take a guess I'd say there are about five chapters left? But I've guessed many times before and I never estimated the book would take over 45 chapters to finish, so don't quote me on that one haha.

See y'all next chapter, and don't forget to vote and comment if you liked the chapter! I'M LOSING COMMENTS AHHHHH

Big love, Dellie xxx