Eight Boys and a Walker girl

32 | Hush

32 | Hush

I don't watch the clock as I sit there in the dark.

If I look up to the clock, all I will see is the time that is slowly inching closer and closer to the death of my brother. I don't need to see that. I can't see that.

I can't bring myself to look into his still, unmoving face, so I look down into my lap. I focus on my breathing- in, out, in, out, slowly, slowly. I'm refusing to allow panic to take over my breathing. I'm not going to let anxiety ruin my final night with Jamie. I refuse to allow myself to have a panic attack.

In...out...slowly, slowly...

In....

Out...

I can't help myself. I look up towards the clock. In the time that I've been focusing on my breathing, the minute hand has inched round two full circles. It's 6 in the evening, and though I thought the room was dark before because of the drawn curtains and no electric light, another level of blackness seems to be creeping through the room. Darkness that lets me know that outside, the sky is slowly losing it's light.

I wrench my eyes away from the clock. Squeeze Jamie's hand. Keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, he'll squeeze back.

Focus on breathing. In...out...

In...out...slowly, slowly...

***

Three full circles of the minute hand. The muscles in my hand are hurting from clinging onto Jamie's hand for so long, but I won't let go.

The room is so dark by now that all the light I can see is coming from the machines arranged all around the bed, keeping my brother alive. The little red flashes that hurt my head, the little robotic bleeps that hurt my ears.

I can't see Jamie's face anymore. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

9 o'clock in the evening. I can feel tiredness seeping over me, but I refuse to give in to it. I won't let myself sleep. I won't panic, I won't sleep. I can't give in to anything.

Just breathe...

I glance back up at the clock. 9:05 pm. I don't know how much longer I can go without panicking or falling asleep. Or both.

Focus on breathing. That's all that matters.

***

The door opens at 10:20 pm. I immediately recognise the figure stood in the doorway, with it's stance and height. Light spills in momentarily from the corridor outside, bright white that hurts my eyes, and then it's gone, as Julian steps into the room.

My breathing subconsciously quickens, and I have to force my pattering heart to calm down.

He crosses the room, pulls up a chair to sit beside me, his chair up close to mine. His legs rest against mine as he sits down, and he makes no effort to move them.

I take a deep breath, not sure how I can ask this question without breaking down in tears.

"I know you must have questio-"

"Evvie."

"What?" my voice comes out in a raw whisper, cracked with emotion. I make myself meet his eye. Even in the darkness, I can make out the exact shade of their green. The green that I never fail to feel that I could lose myself in.

"Evvie." He reaches out, and I feel warm fingers wrap around my hand, entwining our fingers. I suck in a sharp breath, feeling that I might start crying at any minute. "Evvie. Tonight is about your brother. Tonight is all about him. Worry about me later."

"Julian-" my throat is all choked up, and have to pause, take in a deep breath. "Julian- thank you. For everything. I-"

His finger is on my mouth, feather-light, shushing me. "Evvie."

I listen to him. I lean into his side, my head on his shoulder, and his arm winds around my shoulders, warm and strong and safe. I feel his lips press against my forehead, his hair tickling my temples.

"Ssh..."

The room darkens impossibly more as we sit there, side-by-side, leaning against eachother in the little room, red lights flashing around our heads.

"Ssh..."