Khloé Kardashians Daughter

03.

February 23rd 2018, [Bellas POV];

I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes as I read hate comment after hate comment. Ever since I have been in this low mood and headspace I have found myself constantly looking at what people are saying about me when I never used to care. But now it's like everything they're saying I'm really taking to heart and then will overthink and try and change it about myself when realistically I don't have too. My mom always says it's because they're jealous so they look for a way to hurt you, but why would they be jealous? I'm nothing special. It has dawned on me that I don't seem to be getting any better, I have a good couple days then it's back to square one. It's like I'm too scared something bad is going to happen when I start to feel better so my mind switches and I'm back in this sad place. I am so much more anxious, it's constant and with Kendall struggling with her anxiety, all my family have been picking up on the signs. It's been getting more obvious as well, not just to my family but my close friends are noticing it too. I try and cover it up as best I can, I guess I'm just not as good at hiding it as I may think. I know people are worried but it's just so much easier to say I'm fine, I don't want to worry anyone. Especially my mom, she's pregnant and the last thing she needs is anymore stress than a whole new human coming into the world soon. As much as I hate it, it's pushing me and her apart because I'm scared to spend too much time with her because I know she will use the right words and get me to spill everything and that is the last thing she needs on her plate. I don't mean to and I wish I could stop, but every time is brought up I end up unintentionally snapping at her, but really all I want is to let it out and just tell her, i just don't want to hurt her. However, at the same time she is the only one who is able to calm me down when I start to feel anxious for no reason, and as she is the one I really don't want to worry, it's claiming to be a lot harder.

Locking my phone and wiping my eyes I got up from my bed, throwing on a hoodie which happened to be my moms, I then headed downstairs into the kitchen. "Oh, look who finally decided to show themselves." It was the one and only, Kris Jenner. I gave a small chuckle before going over and giving my grandma a hug. "Hi Lovey, I've missed you." She hugged me back before I went and sat next to my mom around the island in the kitchen. "I've missed you as well. I feel like I haven't seen you in years, where have you been?" I looked at my mom before turning to my grandma before turning my attention to my lap, picking at a thread on the hoodie.

"Oh you know, school and dance and what not." I spoke quietly, feeling both pairs of eyes on me. The pair of them probably waiting for me to continue, I finally looked up. "But it's break soon, so you'll be seeing me more. I've just been stressed with deadlines but I'm almost there." I nodded giving them both a small smile, watching my grandma smile widely at the thought of me being around a bit more.

"At least I know where my hoodie went, huh?" My mom spoke, a smirk on her lips. I grinned widely at her, nodding my head. "Mine now, soz I don't make the rules." I sassed, feeling a little bit more comfortable and confident, the me before this low stage trying to push her way back out. It isn't that I'm uncomfortable around them, more so just being with more than one person. I love family time, however my anxiety can just sneak up on me whenever it feels like doing so and I just close up, going back into my shell. "It's super cosy though. I'll let you borrow it, mom." The two adults both chuckled, feeling happy that I was acting like myself. My mom pulled me into her, ruffling my hair making it messy as I squirmed trying to get out of her little headlock. "You're a pain in my ass, Miss Bella Bleu." She joked before freeing me, however I kept my head on her shoulder after pecking her cheek. "You love me." I smirked. She agreed with my statement with a firm nod. It was moments like this I loved, when we weren't arguing, just acting like weirdos together.

I wish I had the courage to just talk to my mom or family about how I'm feeling, so I don't have to just keep it all to myself and that's what they want me to do, I just find it hard to talk about my feelings especially when I don't actually know what exactly is wrong. It's hard to explain. Or maybe it isn't, maybe I'm just scared. Everything in my life is good, my friends, my family, I am passing almost everything at school, my dance team are in the world championship finals, I almost have a girlfriend, I'm waiting to tell my family until I make it official, everything was good just my mental health was ruining everything and I refuse any help from anyone because I'm stubborn and feel as though I can do it alone, but in reality I cannot. I often think this over in my head about telling my mom and somehow always talk myself out of it too. I just know that I need to talk soon or my mind is going to kill me.

I was snapped out of my little daze by Tristan walking into the kitchen. Having already said hello to my grandmother and mom he gave me a kiss on top of my head. "Hey, Kiddo." I gave him a small smile, removing my head from my moms shoulder. I liked Tristan, since the split between my mom and Lamar he has been the next person who has treated me as if I was his own, which of course I'm forever thankful for and he makes my mom happy too. There is just something a bit shady about him recently and there has been stories out about him cheating, of course there was no photographic evidence so my mum hasn't believed anything. I hope that it is all bullshit, I really do because my mother deserves the world and the last thing I would want is my little sister to grow up without a father figure, but if he has been doing what the news is saying I wouldn't ever be able to forgive him.

"Is seven okay to leave, Khlo?" My mom nodded, getting up from her stool. "Yeah, sounds good." It seemed to be date night, which I don't mind however there is no way I'm staying in this house alone, especially since they probably won't be back until late. I don't mind staying home alone usually, if it's the middle of the day and for a short period of time, but on my own during the night? No thanks. I get super anxious when alone in this big house as it is. Of course my mom and Tristan blame it on the amount of horror movies I watch, but there is definitely more to it.

"You're going out?" I asked quietly, my nerves for some reason getting the better of me, my mind now racing with possible scenarios of what could happen if I'm home alone. My mom nodded, giving me a sympathetic smile. "We are, babe. But I've spoke to Kourt and she said you're more than welcome to stay at hers with the kids if you don't want to stay home alone, we shouldn't be back late but I don't want you to worry." I nodded, understandingly.

"That's fine, Momma. I'll go get my stuff. Lovey, will you drop me to Kourtney's on your way home, please?" She gave me a nod so with that I quickly ran upstairs grabbing all the necessities, laptop, phone charger an outfit for the morning, all that jazz and chucking into a back pack. As I walked back down the stairs, my grandma was waiting for me at the bottom, saying goodbye to my mom and Tristan.
When I reached the bottom I gave my mom a hug and felt her kiss the top of my head. "Have fun, momma. I'll see you in the morning." She smiled down at me, letting me go as I picked up my bag.
"Thanks, Bells. Love you." I said love you back before heading out into my Grandmas car.

Maybe talking to Kourtney will be the best option.

• • •

khloekardashian

date night💋.
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