Borderline

Two

  My sleep was restless, full of nightmares. Do they count as nightmares if it's just memories of real life? These memories creep into my eyes while I'm awake sometimes. I lose my barring, I forget who I am for a moment until something or someone suddenly brings me back to reality. This was a daily process. I should be used to it by now.

  Someone was touching me, slightly shoving me. I opened my eyes slowly and peered into the eyes of the lady who, earlier, was sitting at my door. "What is it?" I said, somewhat under my breath.

  "Your transport is here. Time to go Margo." My eyes widened and I sat up. I turned my head towards the door and made eye contact with one of the paramedics. I sunk back into my bed and took a deep breath. One of the paramedics came in and started talking to me, his voice sounded far away.

  "Margo?" I snapped out of it and looked at him. "Did you hear me?" I nodded, and lied. He lowered the railing on my bed while a nurse unhooked me from various machines. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, my yellow hospital socks making an appearance. All eyes were on me. They were waiting to see if I was going to fall when I stood. Honestly, I was curious about the same thing. I slowly slid myself off the bed and onto my feet. I pushed myself fully up and stood for a second waiting to see if something would happen. "Alright, let's get you on the stretcher."

  "Oh, yeah. Okay." He lowered the stretcher and then the railing. I slowly got myself on top of the blue paper covering and sat back against the stretcher. The paramedics started to buckle me in with about 200 buckles. They threw a blanket over me and raised the stretcher. They wheeled me out of the room, then out of the hospital completely. The ambulance was waiting, engine already on. They put me inside, stuck a blood pressure cuff and O2 monitor on me and started to drive off. The paramedic in the back asked me some of the same questions I had heard from the hospital then he got up and sat behind me.

  "I'll be back here if you need anything. Try and sleep, it's a long drive," he said to me from behind. I thought about his words. Should I go to sleep again? My eyes were heavy, so signed pointed to yes.

•••

  I stared at myself in the mirror. My long brown hair was held back by a black ribbon. I wore a knee length black dress. My arms and legs were incredibly thin and bruised. My eyes and cheeks were sunken in, I looked tired. I was barefoot. There was a hard knock on the door. I turned my head swiftly towards the noise. I did not move. The knocking came again, louder this time. I turned back to the mirror and it was shattered now. I could feel the panic rising in my chest. The knocking came a 3rd time, so loud this time I flinched. "OPEN THE DOOR MARGO." I didn't move. I couldn't move. There were tears in my eyes. I was staring at the door now. It flung open and screams left my lips. "Shut up." They came closer to me and I just stood there shaking. When they approached me they removed the ribbon from my hair, letting it fall around my shoulders. I looked up into the eyes of pure evil with nothing but fear. A smile appeared on their face and I tried to back away. A hand grabbed my wrist, tightly. I winced. "It's time."

•••

  I woke up gasping and covered in sweat, tears were also in my eyes. The paramedic behind me was quickly up and at my side. "Is everything okay?" He inquired.

  "Um. Yeah. Just a nightmare. I'll be okay," I said shakily. I wiped the tears from my eyes forcefully and looked straight ahead. "Are we almost there?" I asked the now behind me paramedic.

  "Give or take another 15 minutes. Won't be to much longer." For the next 15 minutes I stared out the back of the ambulance, through the mesh like windows. I refused to go back to sleep.

  When we arrived to Lake Oak my mouth was actually gaping open. On the outside was a huge, beautiful, modern, pristine building. The building was made from brick and seemed as big as an actual hospital. When I was rolled inside I was taken aback even more. It looked like a hotel, not a psych ward. After the paramedics left I was led down a hall into a small room with a desk and three chairs. The chairs in front of the desk were huge and comfortable, I was told to sit in one of them. I sank into the chair and smiled to myself. I was alone about 10 minutes then a young lady with blonde hair walked in and sat behind the desk. She wore her hair back in a braid and had on light blue scrubs. "Hi Margo, I'm Dr.Prosek. I'm going to be one of the doctors on your treatment team. Now, though, we'll be doing your initial entrance assessment. Is that alright?" I sat up on my chair and crossed my legs.

  "Yeah, that's fine. I've done all this kind of stuff before."

  "Can I ask how many times you've been hospitalized for psychiatric care?" She looked at me with her piercing blue eyes.

  "This makes 26," I responded softly. She wrote something down, probably my answer, probably that I was crazy. She asked the basic questions, my diagnosis, what medications I take, etc. Stuff I've answered millions of times. Simple assessment questions. She typed on her computer for what felt like forever then turned to me.

  "The unit you'll be going to is called Willow. It coed, people around you age. One of our best units in my opinion. Your luggage and other belongings have already been brought over and set in your room. Currently you have your own room but if you show you can't be trusted alone you'll be moved to a room with roommates. Your main doctor will be Dr.Peters, you'll see him tomorrow morning. Throughout the rest of today you'll meet your treatment team for different assessments, if they don't get to you today then you'll be seen tomorrow. Let's go I'll walk you to the unit." She got up and I followed her. She unlocked a door with her ID and pushed it open. We stood in a huge open area full of gardens, walking paths, and even a basketball court. Each unit had their own high end building. There was a cafeteria and an entire building dedicated to art, music, and recreation therapy. As we walked we passed a cove with vending machines.

  "Are we allowed to use those?" I pointed toward the cove.

  "Of course. On your unit they visit twice a day and if you're outside walking or tending to the garden or something of the sort you can also visit the vending machine." I followed her in awe of how nice everything looked. Everything was so tended to, the buildings were so simple yet beautiful. We stopped in front of a brick building full of windows. She used her ID again to unlock the door and we both walked inside. We walked through a small hall and then through another door. We were on the unit. There was people everywhere. People watching TV, people playing cards, people talking. There was so much space. This place was huge. My parents money was being well used.

  Dr.Prosek walked me over to a table that had a girl with silver hair in a bun and a boy with glasses. "This is Mia and Dakota, two of your techs. They'll take over from here. I'll see you tomorrow in treatment team." She smiled at me and left the unit. Mia stood up and smiled at me.

  "Follow me, I'll show you your room. I do have to do a search on you. Then I'll give you a rundown on the unit. Oh and welcome to Willow." I followed Mia to a hall on the unit. She walked up to a room with the number 8 on it and unlocked it. When she pushed the door open I was shocked. Again, I felt like I was in a hotel. The bed was an actual bed, not one of those wretched blue psych ward mattresses. There was a closet and a desk. Mounted on the wall was a small, but nice, TV and the remote sat on my bedside table. My bags sat on my desk, still packed. Mia walked into my room and shut the door. "Okay I need to search you. So take of your shirt. You can throw that scrub top away and grab a real shirt." I did just as she said. She then searched my bottom half. I threw the green paper pants away and pulled on a pair of sweatpants. She then handed me a folder. "This has your patient rights and responsibilities, the schedule for everyday, and different information. Feel free to unpack and come out whenever comfortable. You might have different people coming to talk to you for the rest of the day. Dakota and I are here if you need anything. If you can't find us feel free to talk to another tech. And again, welcome to Willow." Then she left. I sat on my bed, took a deep breath, and repeated her words.

  "Welcome to Willow."