Borderline

Five

   I sat across from a man in green scrubs, he sat behind a desk with papers and a laptop. He had a bushy beard and was overall a handsome man, but I can't have a crush on my doctor. "I'm Dr.Peters, I'm going to be your psychiatrist during your stay at our facility. "

   "Okay." I fidgeted in my seat and avoided eye contact. 

   "Can you tell me why you're here?" I heard his pen click. 

   "I tried to kill myself.' I said softly. He started typing away at his laptop.

   "Okay, and how did you attempt?" I could feel him looking at me so I lifted my head and met his eyes.

    "I took a bunch of pills then drank a lot of alcohol. I also attempted to slit my wrists." I pulled my sweater sleeves down on both arms and showed him my blue stitches. It was silent for what felt like hours. He turned away to type something, then he wrote something down then he looked back at me.

   "Why?" 

   "What?"

   "I asked you why," he said, "why did you want to kill yourself?"  Dr.Peters leaned back in his chair and just looked at me. I stayed silent. I felt like I wasn't able to talk at all. I felt frozen. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke up again. "Margo?"

   "I..um...just wanted to die." 

   "Yes, but there must have been a reason. People just don't try to kill themselves for no reason."

   "Can't you just look at my records?"

   "Sure, I can totally do that. But you need to talk about it. This is for you, not for me." He clicked his pen again and looked at me, concerned. I could feel a pain in my chest and my breathing quicken. I looked down at my hands and I kept rubbing them together, they were sweating profusely. 

   "I-I don't want to." I didn't look at him. I didn't look into his eyes. I wrung my hands until they began to hurt. "I can't." I suddenly stood up. "I can't," I repeated. 

   "Margo, sit. If you don't want to talk about it right now that's up to you but this is your treatment, not mine. I won't force you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about but eventually, you will have to."

   "Not if I don't want to."

   "That's only hurting you."

   "I want to leave." I backed up towards the door. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. 

   "Can we at least discuss your medication first, please sit."

   "I guess." I sat down again and looked up. He was looking at something on his laptop, probably my life of medications. 

   "I'm going to up your Lexapro to 20mg. and you'll get a Lithium level check in the morning and if your levels are okay I'm increasing your dose to 900mg. Also, I see you take Abilify, is it the pill or the injection?"

   "The pill."

   "Would you be inclined to try the injection?" He finally looked at me and waited for an answer. I racked my brain for a second.

   "Sure. I'll try it." My thoughts were that maybe if I complied completely they'll keep me for only the short term stay. We wrapped up the conversation and I left the office. Liam, who was after me, smiled at me when I walked out. I half-heartedly smiled back and made a beeline back to my room.

...

   "GOOD MORNING, TIME TO WAKE UP, TIME TO GET READY FOR SCHOOL." I heard the familiar voice of Dakota and opened my eyes. I looked at my alarm, it read 6 am, I groaned and put my head back on the pillow. The light in my room switched on. Sophia was standing there in a school uniform.

   "Hey it's your first day of school, I'm sure you wouldn't want to make a bad impression." My only response was a groan, If I was in the short term wing then the school would not be an issue. Sophia walked over to my closet and grabbed my uniform off the hangers. "Let's go, sleepyhead." Sophia looked so small and petite in her uniform, like an elementary school child. 

   "Okay, okay. I'm up, now shoo and let me get dressed." Sophia smiled again and left my room, closing the door. I got out of bed and looked at the uniform, it almost reminded me of catholic school. The skirt was blue and plaid, the shirt a plain white button-up, and finally, a navy blue sweater to top it all off. I got ready quickly then left my room. Everyone was mostly waiting in the day room to be escorted to the cafeteria for breakfast, another meal that I wasn't prepared for. A few people were getting called for medication, some talked, others sat doing last-minute homework. I sat alone and checked my bag again making sure I had everything I needed.

   "Hello." I looked up and saw a pale, timid girl with dark hair looking down at me. "I'm Blake. It's my first day at school too. I was on one of the short term wings but just got transferred."

   "How did you know I was also new?" I closed my bag. 

   "When I was getting my medication the nurse told me, she knew how anxious I was about this but if you don't want to be around anyone or something then that's okay too. I don't want to intrude or be a both-"

   "It's okay, honestly I'm terrified." I cut her off.

   "Are you sure?" She leaned back and forth on her feet. I nodded and she sat in the chair next to me. We chatted for a few minutes then everyone was called for breakfast. Just like at every meal we walked through the huge campus to the cafeteria where we ate actual decent food. Blake and I sat at a table alone, but I kept looking around for Sophia. I didn't see her and assumed she had gotten held back for medication with a few others. As breakfast went on and the others showed up and Sophia wasn't one of them, I was starting to get really concerned. Finally, Blake noticed. "Are you okay? You keep scanning the room like you're looking for someone."

   "I kinda am, Sophia. She hasn't shown up for breakfast."

   "The really small girl?"

   "Yes, her exactly." My eyes locked on Harper eating at a table alone. "I'll be right back." I stood up and walked over to Harper and sat down. "Hey," I said to him. He set his fork down and looked at me.

   "Hey, what's up?"

   "Have you seen Soph?"

   "She walked with us from the unit, I saw her stop and talk to the staff before we came in. She's probably still outside talking." He sounded like he wasn't only trying to convince me, but also himself. "She'll be in soon. Don't worry, they make sure she eats." I left harper and returned to my own table and told Blake what he said. 

   "He's probably right," she said, "don't worry too much." And we went back to our meal.

   Breakfast was coming to an end and still, Sophia hadn't shown up. Then suddenly, from outside, came blood-curdling screams. Everyone left their tables and ran to the windows to see what was happening. Staff ran out the door to assist whatever chaos was happening. Then someone yelled out, "It's that anorexic girl!" When I heard that I pushed past everyone and out the open cafeteria door to see what the hell was happening. In front of me, I saw paramedics and techs trying to strap down Sophia to a stretcher. She was small but this girl has strength.  She was fighting and clawing and screaming. Once staff noticed patients outside they tried to usher us back inside.

   "Wait, what's going on? Is she okay? Why are the paramedics here?" I looked frantically at Mia who was trying to get me inside. "Mia, stop. MIA! WHAT'S GOING ON?" They managed to get us all inside despite the pushing and yelling. I got to a window and watched stick a shot in Sophia's small arm and soon she stopped fighting. I walked over to Mia and again began questioning her.

   "She's going to be fine." Was all she kept saying to me.

   "But are you sure?" I pressed. Mia sighed and looked at me.

   "She always is."