Playful | jeonghan

Playful | 21. Anxiety

Jeonghan sliced his bread and placed the half on my plate. Everything that could be cut was shared with me.

I let go of the knife and fork and looked at him.

He brought me on a pastry shop for breakfast.

"Are you okay?" I asked him for the nth time.

When I jumped on him awhile ago, Jeonghan caressed my hair with his good hand. He whispered sweet words on me, assuring that everything will be alright.

And it soothed me.

My tears stopped but I continued to lean on him. Not minding if his wetting me with his hair.

Shortly, the maids arrived to clean the mess and to help Jeonghan on mending his lesion.

He was busy on comforting me that he could not change in clothes. He was hugging me all the time with his uninjured arm.

And when I seemed to calm down, he continued to shower and get changed.

And now, we're here.

"I did not cut myself deep. I didn't want to worry you. I just want to see you eat a lot. It makes me full just by watching you." He said and gave me a sweet smile. I noticed that he wasn't eating properly since the beginning. He always stopped to check if I was eating right, or just gaze on me, and when our eyes met, he smiled.

"Why did you have to cut yourself?" I asked him seriously.

"I couldn't think of anything to stop you. Maybe, if I jump on you, you'll push the shard in your neck."

Sometimes, I reminded myself. Jeonghan has always the most sincere eyes. Every time we looked into each other, I couldn't help but fall in his charms and believe on him.

Then, maybe, that was why I waited for him to have a change in his heart. That if we stayed sweet and I pretended to know nothing, Jeonghan would come to love me honestly that time.

But that never changed.

And after all those years, he still had the same eyes that stare at me.

It was nothing but a show, yet inside it was empty.

"I'm sorry. I should have not act that way." I didn't know but it slipped from my mouth.

"Don't be sorry. I should be the one to say sorry. Because of me, you can't help but act like that."

I was surprised with his response.

"It felt like I was about to die twice. When I found you in your apartment and now in my room to take away your life." Jeonghan continued. His eyes were glued to his plate. He grope the utensils on his hand.

"It was me who'll die." I corrected.

"You take me as you die."

"Your words." Then I rolled my eyes.

"Shall I prove it to you?"

I ignored him until he pointed the knife on his neck.

I stood up and reached for the knife.

"Jeonghan!" I shouted. The staff rushed to us, but he immediately dropped the knife and apologized for his joke while I was fuming with anger.

"The next time that you kill yourself, I'll make sure I will receive the same fate." He pressed before continuing with his meal.

I looked at him in disbelief.

"I'm happy. You seemed to care about me." He smiled playfully.

"You're dreaming."

"Hyejeong. Let's go on a couples camp. We should try to work on our relationship." He suggested.

"We're over." I answered firmly.

"I know. I'm selfish to ask. Jisoo snatched you away from me. Why can't I get you back?
----------------------------

The foam from the beer oozed on the can. Sarang slumped on the couch next to me.

I went back in the company to get my things. Jeonghan let me go alone since I agreed to attend his foolish camp tomorrow.

After preparing my luggage for the trip, I called Sarang to meet. I told her the whole story even my recent anxiety attack.

"Don't you think Jeonghan changed?" She opened.

"He was all sweet before, but look at me, I wouldn't look pathetic if he treated me right." I took a sip on the canned beer.

"Why won't you tell him every single truth? The whole story. Tell him that you became a victim of a cruel life because of his decisions."

"Do you think it was that easy?" I asked her with a frown.

"It was the best way to get your revenge. Blame him. If he really loves you like how he acts today, he'll take it from the heart and maybe die because of it." She reasoned out.

I remained silent.

I didn't know why I have to hide these secrets. Was it because I knew that Jeonghan was uninterested? He abandoned me all these years.

I didn't even know why did he come back. Why was he started to get interested on our daughter? Why was he pursuing me?

I doubt that he happened to realize that he loves me after everything.

"Hyejeong, Jeonghan sees you as lonely. He doesn't have a clue of what you've been through and how did you become suicidal." Sarang continued, putting me back on my senses.

"And what if he doesn't love me?" Just one of my million questions.

"The truth will set you free. You can change your life. Start fresh far from those boys. You have me, girl. You can stay on my apartment till you find the guy that will complete you again."

It must be the reason why my despair continues. The boys reminded me of my past. I was a victim of them. Associating myself to them has not cut my ties with Jeonghan. Now, I'm also having problems with Jisoo because of Mei.

I could just run away. My problems piled up and they weren't there to help me.

A kick of anxiety kicked on me. I sucked it in. I couldn't go crazy on Sarang. And Jeonghan. He wouldn't like it.

Hell he cares.

"Thank you, Sarang." I gave her a small smile.