A Greater Good (girlxgirl)

Smoking

I'd given up smoking years ago, and as I leant against the window of the dress shop taking drag after drag of my rapidly disappearing cigarette, I remembered why. But after Everlyn kissed me back and wrapped her warm, fragile arms around my neck I need something to do, something to take my mind off what was coming in a couple of minutes. And I settled for the filthy, grime of smoke filling my lungs.

It's hard for me to admit that I love her to myself. It's really fucking hard, especially when it was me who fucked it all up and ruined it. I'd been getting over her, for three years I'd completely avoided being one on one with her and had moved to another area of town just to not have to walk down the streets we used to walk together. It was easy to not see or talk to her, she did the same to me, we worked together to make sure we didn't have to be in any situation where either family suspected the things I said at that Christmas or where we could say things that couldn't be taken back... we'd already done that. It was easy not to see or talk to her, but not as easy to stop thinking about her. I'd only really moved on about a year ago, I skipped all birthdays in the family and had Christmas abroad just to avoid her and try to move on, but even I can't ignore my mother's voicemail to announce James and Everlyn's happy engagement! What a fucking joke I was becoming, I was hung up on a straight girl.

"Fuck," I hissed angrily, the cigarette had burnt down to the stub and burnt my finger. I dropped it on the ground and pressed down on it with the heel of my boot. I was about to leave when the bell chimed and Everlyn walked out of the shop.

She looked flustered, her cheeks were flushed pink and she searched the left of the street for me. I'd been around the world and in all honesty, I could say that Everlyn was by far the prettiest girl (apart from me maybe) I'd ever seen, even in the state she was in now with her blonde hair was messily organised on her head, loose bits of hair flying everywhere. She was nothing outstanding in regards to height, but she was skinny and toned enough to be supermodel. I stood up straight waiting for her to turn her head and see me, finally she did, her selected wedding dress hung over her arm like a stop sign, it looked heavy. The sibling rivalry was coming in me because in my mind I felt victorious that I had been the first to kiss her in it. 

"Hello," I said smoothly.

And I know I act like a dick, I know that if I were a guy I'd be a complete fuckboy, but it's my reputation and it's too late to adjust or change anything now. The bonus of my 'personality' is that I can say what I what, even if it's outstandingly rude, and people just accept it. But a negative is that in situations like this, I can't tell Everlyn my real emotions and how I want to just run away with her.

"We can't," she said straight away, she looked like she was on the brink of tears.

"Why not?"

"I. Am. Getting. Married," she said slowly, I don't know if her heart was breaking like mine when she said it.

"But do you want to?" I asked quietly, I really wanted to know for real.

She sighed and looked away, she would have answered straight away if she knew what she wanted.

"Do you?" I repeated.

"It's complicated, Jane."

"What do you want?" I asked her softly. "What do you want from all this?"

She blinked back tears. "I'm happy, Jane, I was happy before you came back!"

"Then why'd you kiss me back?" 

I was glad that Steph and Anne were being perfectionists for the 'grand wedding' and going into the last details of Everlyn's dress in the shop just behind us. If they were to look out the window they'd wonder what was going on, possibly if what me and Everlyn were fighting about was in relation to why I stopped coming around and why Everlyn stopped mentioning me.

"Because it's an old habit," Everlyn said, void of emotion. 

"So there were no feelings involved?" I knew there were, there had to be. 

"Jane, I don't love you," she said firmly and looked out into the busy street.

I searched her face hoping it would contradict what she was saying, but it was blank and empty.

"So seven years together means nothing?" I asked in hopes to strike some nerve.

She shrugged and looked back at me. "I've moved on."

"Fuck you!" I muttered. "Fuck you, because I'd moved on too, but then you had to bring up all this."

She laughed genuinely. "Are you kidding me? Have you seriously twisted this to make me look like the bad guy?"

I looked away from her with my face burning in shame, it was a low blow of me, but I was losing her and I was saying anything I could think of in an attempt to get her interest.

"You're the one who showed up at the engagement party, you're the one who confessed all your bloody feelings to me, you're the one who tagged along to this and kissed me! And let's not forget, you're the one who cracked the fucking sooks when I ended it with you because of James and then went and practically outed me." She laughed that genuine, evil, spiteful laugh again. "So forgive me if I don't love you anymore."

I looked back at her, I was calm on the surface but inside I felt like I was burning, like my feelings were rags soaked in petrol and Everlyn was creeping closer and closer with a lit torch.

"I'll see you around then," I said.

"At the wedding, probably," she said and jostled the dress on her arm. Our tones made it sound like we'd gone to the same school and just caught up in the street, you'd have never have guessed our past or even the conversation we'd just had.

"Right." I considered smiling at her as she did at me, but I didn't and turned away.

"She's going home, she's bored," I heard her explain to Anne and Steph.