A Greater Good (girlxgirl)

Ceiling

I woke up on a cold morning just two weeks before the wedding and stared at the ceiling completely lost and confused. I was alone even though right beside me the person who I should be telling everything to was softly snoring in his sleep, oblivious to the fact that his very soon to be wife had been having an affair with his sister for a month and a half. For that month and a half after the bachelorette party Jane and I had snuck around like teenagers, kissing in alleyways, making up excuses for James when I was at Jane's late at night, meeting up during lunch breaks, but the thought of the affair didn't make me sick, it was the fact that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed sneaking around and lying to James about my work load, I enjoyed Jane fingering me in the bathroom of the wedding reception venue, I enjoyed everything about being with her, and it made me sick. 

I rolled onto my side and stared at James. His chin was speckled in stubble and his naked chest was strong and tanned, I really used to love him, just looking at him used to do something to me, but I no longer had any of that drive. I still did love him, but how could I love him as much when Jane was back in my life? Jane was once the love of my life, she was all I thought about for so many years, we were best friends, how could James compete with her? It was unfair to even imagine him being able to.

I reached over and trailed my finger along James' arm, it was warm and soft, in his sleep he smiled slightly. I pulled my hand back and tucked it under my chin, I continued to watch him sleep before closing my eyes. I decided to make myself count to ten and when I opened my eyes I would have to have a solution to the hole I'd dug myself into. I rolled onto my back and slowly counted and when I opened my eyes, the ceiling stared back at me. 

"Are you ok?" Clarissa asked, squeezing my shoulder gently.

I was staring at my computer screen in a dream, her hand on my shoulder brought me back to life and I turned to her seriously.

"Do you like James?" I asked without tone.

She laughed and moved back to her desk. "Of course I do."

"No, Clarissa, I'm asking you seriously, do you like James?"

She frowned and shook her head before laughing again like I'd totally lost the plot. "What are you on about?" She turned back to her work.

I wheeled closer to her, our knees were touching. "Please, Clarissa, I just need you to answer this one question as honestly as you normally are."

She laughed nervously and looked down at our knees. "I feel like it's some kind of trap."

"It's not," I said urgently, I was getting on edge. "Do you like him?"

She sighed heavily and looked out at the office. "Well..." She looked back at me. "Look, it doesn't really make sense that you're with him."

"What?" It escaped my mouth abruptly. "Why?"

"See! I knew this was a trap, now you're mad at me!"

"No, no I'm not, I'm just... why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because you don't tell people someone who they've been with for years is wrong for them."

"Ok, sure," I said quickly, "now why aren't we right for each other?"

Clarissa shrugged. "He's just... I don't know, kind of boring, but he's not really. It's hard to explain!"

"Well try."

"Geez, ok, um... well you know that weekend we went away together when I was with that dickhead?" I nodded. "Well, it was the first time I'd really met James and at work, well you know how we always have a good time, so I had someone like you in mind to be this 'James', but he wasn't. He was kind of dull... still fun! But dull..."

"And?" I urged.

"And he kind of turned you dull." She paused. "Please don't be offended by any of this."

I shook my head and smiled. "No, I'm not." I paused for a while thinking about James and I and how it was true. I wheeled back from her. "Do you like girls?" I asked randomly, baiting the question I wanted her to ask me. I rolled back to my own desk, Clarissa looked at me confused.

"Ah... well, kind of, not really. I've only ever slept with-"

"Jane," I finished for her. 

"Yeah." She smiled slyly at me. "Have you ever... you know, fancied women?"

I nodded. "Oh yeah, all the time, I'm bi."

"Oh!" She was taken aback, she rolled back from her desk in surprise. "Oh! Sorry! I didn't know."

I shrugged. "It's fine."

She smiled widely at me with genuine. "What girls have you slept with then? Anyone I'd know?"

I nodded casually. "Jane."

Clarissa froze, she stared at me for a long time and I could see the thoughts in her mind travelling round and round, trying to get the cogs to turn. Things were starting to make sense to her, I could see it on her face. Finally she started to laugh and shook her head.

"No... you had a fight! You're not really friends! No... just no."

I was reminded of Ricky and couldn't help but smile a little. I shook my head. Clarissa stood up.

"Let's go." She walked away from her desk, collecting her jacket and left me watching her go until I finally gave in and followed. 

Down in the park across from work I filled Clarissa in on Jane and I while sitting on a freezing cold bench.

"So you were like girlfriends before it was cool to be girlfriends?" Clarissa asked after a five minute rundown.

I smiled. "I guess so."

"Wow, I'm so sorry I slept with her, I had no idea."

I shook away the apology. "It's fine, I'm sorry you became apart of her plan to get back at me."

Clarissa shrugged. "That's aok, I'm all for returning love back to it's right place."

I looked at her and put on my shocked face which wasn't really a stretch because I was genuinely shocked that she knew. "What are you talking about? Jane and I are over, I just told you that."

She smiled knowingly. "I'm not an idiot, Ev. You've been to the dentist, doctor, naturopath and everything in between a record amount of times lately. I knew you were sneaking around with someone, I just thought it was James obviously."

I stared at her, my stomach was knotted but also relaxed because now my best friend knew and that meant I could talk to her about it and get her opinion. 

"Are you mad?" I asked quietly.

"Of course I'm not." She linked her arm with mine and rested her head on my shoulder. "She suits you better anyway."

I laughed softly. "I wish you didn't say that." 

Because it mirrored my thoughts from this morning.