Well then I got woke up by my mom late last night just so she could tell me I wasn't going to school today since today is Issac's funeral. I have a whole speech prepared this is going to kill me seeing him laying there in his coffin knowing I'll never to get see him smile.. or laugh.. Or make me feel better when I'm down. He meant a lot to me it hurts to know he died I never thought my world could change that quickly. I didn't see him die because I got knocked out but when they announced him dead my heart broke into pieces and my life just got drained from me and I just couldn't see why it couldn't have been me.
There's nothing I can do about it now but I still wish it didn't happen. He was a good guy and loved me with all his heart. We where just friends but we loved each other in that friendly way. Whenever i was in the hospital the first thing i would wake up to is him and my mom standing over me he would be crying and saying that he loves me. I don't think he should've gone I mean Ericka was right everyone has their time and his just got cut short just like Jesscia's time. I just wish he had some more time.
We showed up at the funeral i didn't wear makeup because I knew that by the time it was over it would be running down my face. We all sat down i sat in the front I saw him laying down. He was so pale and lifeless. I never get to see his blue eyes light but when he smiles. If I could go back and change everything I would. We where arguing he got mad and let go of the wheel. We spun out of control he tried to stop it from crashing there's nothing he could do it was to late. Ever since I've lived in a world of despair and hate. I've been depressed for years but this was all it needed to set it off and make it bad.
It was my turn to get up and say something I'm going to forget the whole speech I bet. " Hi there.. Um well i still can't believe hes gone he meant the world to me not just to me to his mom and his dad his whole family as well. I've known him for years and one thing ended it all. I remember just sitting with him in the sand box talking to our toys and how how ours where better. It feels like just yesterday that he saved my life, I was int he hospital and he did all he could to make sure I made it out alive. He should've been the one to make it out alive this time," I stopped and clenched my jaw trying not to cry I held my hand up meaning that I need a moment. " He didn't deserve to go out this way," My voice was now cracking and I was holding back tears. " I can remember after reading the fault in out stars we would always say okay to each other and he would smile and i instantly got happy because he was happy. His presence could cause me to be happy I can't believe that on act out of anger took his life away.. W-when he l-let go I just didn't know what to do i tried to grab the wheel he stopped me and the car spun out the last thing he said before it crashed he knew he couldn't stop it I knew i couldn't he said ' I love you always remember that. okay," I said okay back and that's all I can remember." I had tears going down my face.
I walked over to me and sobbed quietly but hard. " Okay ... I love you keep Austin company up there i love you both. Know that I would've took a bullet for you any day. I miss you more than anything. If I could see you one more time just one more time I would be happier than ever and I would happily hold you in my arms and never let go.. I really loved you not in a friendly way I mean I really loved you I guess I should have told you that before it was too late.. I'm sorry." I whispered the last part of that when i said I loved him.
When the funeral was over we took off home not saying another word. I didn't say a word in the car I didn't say anything when we got home until after dinner. " I'm going to go shower," I told my mom and went upstairs. i turned on the shower and sat down on fully clothed on the toilet. I took my shirt off grabbed my razor and carves Issac into my stomach. I cried. I was hurting. I have to go to school tomorrow. that's going to help so much right.
