I woke up this morning. Ugh I have school today. I don't know why but i was unbelievably depressed. I got dressed did my makeup and all that. Not much i was fearing that I'll cry. As soon as i got to the stair case i turned my music on full blast to block the world out. I was having one of those sad suicidal depressed moods. If you don't get those let me just say your so lucky. No one should end their life that's what I think but when it comes to me I think other wise.
Yesterday while I was with Logan and he sang part of you are the heart I recorded his voice and it is now his ring tone. I tried to get happy thinking about him but this was bad I was bad today. I got tipped and called a freak and worthless. Why can't they get me? Why can't they just leave me alone?! Those typed of thoughts where running through my mind. I got to school and Logan came over and starting talking to me all I did was stare at the ground.
" Are you okay," he asked and I snapped out of my staring. " Oh yeah I'm okay," He nodded a bit unsure and kept on talking. After a while he stopped talking and I looked up " Your not okay I can see it in your eyes, whats wrong," I shrugged. " Just thinking about what dress to get for prom tough choice," I lied. " Oh wow such a girl, I'll be right back." I have no idea where he went but I went to put my stuff in my locker and some dude pushes me against the wall. He started getting in my face and calling me names he ended up punching me. " Now please go kill yourself," He said and began to laugh " You know what I will," I said and walked off. His face no longer had a smile on it.
He walked in front of me. " Um where do you think your going," He said " Uh to go do what you told me to do," He starting to laugh and stopped me from walking. He yet again threw my against the wall " You don't leave until I let you," No one helped me they just stood there. He punched me a good three times in the stomach knocking the wind out of me. Then a punch to the face which made my lip bleed then I hear a voice call out " Why would you beat on a girl you little loser," I was Logan he walked over.
" What are you going to do about it," he said straightening up so he looked taller. " Logan please don't," I was begging. " No he hurt you he won't get away with it not this time," I was beat to hell at least I wans't in the hospital " Logan please n-," I got cut off the boy who was beating me kicked me in the face knocking me out. Just as my eyes where rolling out of consciousness I saw Logan start hitting him " Logan Please stop," I coughed and blacked out from there.
I woke up in my bed Logan was sitting next to me. " Good your up hows your head feeling," I sat up and looked at him he had a huge bruise on his face. I hugged him and cried he actually helped me again when no one has been there for me he was he helped me. Once I let go I asked what happened " Well we had to watch the footage from the cameras to see who was telling the truth of course I was they said I was doing a good thing by defending you.. I heard him tell you to kill yourself I slammed my locker shut and tried to find where you where.. I also heard you say that you would kill yourself.. Don't fall back into the darkness please,"
I nodded " I know I'm sorry I was upset I had no right to say that but I've just been through Hell in the last to months and I fear it will get worse from here," I began to look around. " What time is it how long was I out," I asked. " Its six you where out for half of the day," I just kind of got up and went to look in the mirror. I had a mark on my lip from where it bleed. Well there's another scar I thought to myself. I lifted my shirt half way i had a huge bruise. I looked at my shoulder there was another bruise. I had the worst injury on my forehead he had somehow cut it when he kicked me and now it would leave a scar.
I put my face into my hands and cried. Logan came an pulled me into a hug. I was crying into my hands as he held me. Once i calmed down we sat back down on my bed. " I saw your arm," he said out of no where. " Is Issac your friend who died in that crash," I nodded. " Can you look at me please," He said. So I did " Its not your fault you couldn't have stopped it, You can't keep on beating yourself up about it, I can understand that you hurting but what can you do now. I know that's hard to hear but i had to deal with the same thing when Jessica died. I was hurt bad but it didn't break me it sure did put some cracks in me and some scars on my arm but not that bad. Another thing is why do you have the words ugly carved into your stomach your actually really pretty I don't see why you have to beat yourself up so bad. You can't control what happens but you can control how you react and this is not the way to do it."
I nodded and we sat there. " Well I better get going," I nodded again gave him a kiss and walked him out. Thats it I don't know if I can take this anymore. I don't know if I can handle being beat up again. I don't know if I can take being told to go kill myself again. I just can't take this anymore!
I grabbed some pills. I grabbed a paper and wrote down some last words. I grabbed my phone and called Logan it was about ten now. " Uh hello yes what do you need, is everything okay?" He could hear me crying I heard him sit up in his bed. " Alexa whats wrong," I kept on crying " Alexa please tell me whats wrong," I couldn't even speak. " I'm sorry," I cried out. He knew what I meant by that. " No Alxea! Please no! Don't go out like this! Please Alexa I love you!" He was now crying. " I'm sorry," I cried out again and went to hang up " Alexa no p-," I hung up..
I took the pills. Everything went blank and dark. This is it I thought to myself. No more pain and hurt for me I'll be gone.
My older brother came in as I was drifting off. " Alexa no! Mom call 9-1-1 Now! Hurry!" My mom ran in with the phone. " Alexa don't go please don't leave me please! Remember happy little Alexa I want her back! Please Alexa be okay!" he was crying. " Little A-alexa is gone," I mumbled then went out... So I thought.
I woke up in the hospital two days later. I began to cry. My brother hugged me. " Why would you do this to me," i cried out. He looked confused. " I saved you," I began to nod my head no " No You didn't help.. You made it worse."I cried harder and harder. " I should be dead! I shouldn't be here!" My mom was crying so was Logan. they put a needle into my arm and something to knock me out.
When I woke up again I had calmed down. Logan was the only one in the room. " W-where are they," I mumbled. " They went to the food court to get you something to eat they knew you'd be up soon," he got up and came over. I sat up and he hugged me I felt his tears on my shirt. " Please never scare me like that I thought I lost you. My heart almost stopped when I showed up at your house and they said your heart beat was slowing down.. Please don't leave me." I was crying a little. " I'm sorry," I just kept repeating that.
I was in the hospital for another week. They asked about all of my other and knew injury's I told them about how I got beat up again. I'm also now on anti-depressants. When we got home first thing i did was go into my room. I ran down stairs screaming . " MOM you got me the dress!" I jumped and hugged her " Oh my gosh mom I love you so much! Thank you!," I ran back upstairs. '' You welcome I love you too. " I texted Logan telling him i had the dress for the dance. He texted back saying that I'll look great. I was tired I was so medicated. I told him goodnight and that I love him and went to bed.
