Worst Behavior

37. let me go

[ 37. let me go ]
J E O N G G U K ⚠️

trigger warning:
descriptions of an anxiety attack

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"C'mon kid, tell us. Tell us all your thoughts," All of them are staring at him now. Jeongguk's fingers curl into fists and having no other choice, he walks up.

He stands in front of their small circle, the nerves he's been trying to tame within him coming undone. All of their eyes are on him, waiting. Jeongguk inhales slowly. His heart is racing in his chest, and his fingers; they shake with each passing second.

"When you're ready son," Richards says. His tone is meant to be comforting, but Jeongguk knows this man doesn't want to comfort him. He gulps and carefully unfolds the paper he takes out of his back pocket.

Jeongguk glances down at his speech, smoothing the creases with his thumbs. For some reason his writing looks messier and the words seem to tumble off the page. Days he's been writing this stupid speech, yet as he rereads it in his mind it feels insufficient. It's shorter than what he remembers.

"Anytime Jeongguk. We're waiting to help you," Walter speaks out this time, the gruffness in his voice not at all easing Jeongguk's jitters. He nods stiffly, clearing his throat.

"I didn't know I had an attraction for other boys. I didn't really imagine things with them or thought much about it until now," He peers up at Richards and Walter from time to time, wondering what they're thinking about while they hear him talk.

"Then I met this boy five almost six months ago. I've been to his home, slept in his bed with him and k-kissed him," Jeongguk says, struggling to keep his voice steady with their stares poking holes into his skin. It's like he's being stripped to the bone, exposing himself for all of them to see.

"And for these thoughts and actions I wish for God's forgiveness—," Jeongguk's voice grows louder. The panic that rushes up his throat chokes him up until Richards holds his palm out. He stops. Everyone stops and all Jeongguk can hear is his heart in his ears.

"Jeongguk, God doesn't appreciate liars. None of that correlates to your confession," Richards steps forward, his brows furrowed and arms pressed over his chest. Jeongguk frowns.

"You told me my confession is p-private," Jeongguk stammers, the skin between his eyebrows crinkling. Richards opens his mouth to speak. "No, you told me that was private. Private means I c-can't share it," Jeongguk shakes his head.

"Son, we just need you to be honest. God sees all, Jeongguk. You can't hide from him. Privacy doesn't exist in his name," Richards says. Jeongguk presses his lips together, chewing the skin between his teeth. He crumples the paper in his fist, forgetting about it.

"But I am being honest," He says louder, frustration crinklimg his features. "I'm not hiding anything."

"Then why aren't you telling us about that Taehyung kid?" Richards asks, his tone remaining calm, flat. Jeongguk eyes widen slightly, his words slapping him across his face. He gulps again, though this time he finds it harder to swallow.

"I did sir. I told you the entire truth," It's a good lie that slips past Jeongguk's tongue. The words that seem to tangle the muscle in his mouth come out shakily, the confident facade Jeongguk tries to uphold falling with each second.