friends with benefits

Chapter 10

"Jayden, what do you mean?" He asked me, perplexed.

"Why else would she be here?"

"To apologize? Congratulate you on graduating college? Not everyone is out to hurt you."

"Some days it seems like it Milo."

"I know princess, but I guarantee I won't do that to you."

Before I could stop myself I kissed him. After a second of surprise, he kissed me back, before breaking us apart.

"Go talk to her." He told me. "You don't have to forgive her, just talk to her. She's kind of waiting for you."

I nodded my head and climbed off of him. He stood up and started to walk away.

"Milo?" I grabbed his hand. "Thank you."

He gave me a smile. "I've said it before and I'll say it again, anything for you princess."

-

"Hey." A nervous voice said behind me quietly.

"Hey," I answered back.

She hesitantly sat next to me.

"Are you ok? You looked like you were having a major anxiety attack back there."

"I'm fine Vanessa." 

"I'm sorry. For everything I ever did to you. Forcing your walls down, making you fall in love with me and dating you only to cheat on you. The funny thing is, after we broke up, I hooked up with him one more time and got pregnant. He abandoned me and my son, so I got what I deserved."

My emotionless face softened, Milo was right.

"Nothing about what you did was ok, Vanessa, you know that. It took years and lots of meaningless sex to get over you. But I did, for the first time since you happened, I found someone who wiggled his way into my heart and made himself comfy. I know he would never do anything to hurt me without making up for it over and over again on purpose. Hopefully, he knows it's the same for me. So apology, accepted.

"There is a flaw in our relationship. Freshman year of college, on the anniversary of our breakup, we went to a club. I was flirting with this guy, who took it too far. Milo stepped in and the guy wouldn't back down. Milo threw a punch and suddenly they were fighting. Once we got back to his dorm I was patching him up when he kissed me. We hooked up and continued to have a friends with benefits thing with each other.

"I know I was probably setting myself up to either fall for him, or get my heart broken. And I'm scared to admit I have feelings because of you."

"Because of me?" Vanessa asked.

"Yes. I was the most depressed I'd ever been after we broke up, and I never want to go through that again. I knew a part of me still had feelings for you, but I never got closure, so eventually, the thought of you made me angry."

"How's this for closure?" She asked, cupping my cheek and turning my head in her direction. 

She kissed me, and I felt absolutely nothing, so I pushed her off.

"Well?" She asked. "Did you feel anything?"

I heard the tree rustling and the sound of running. I shook my head. "Please don't do that again. I've got to go."

I ran after the sounds of running, knowing it was Milo, and eventually caught up with him.

"Milo are you ok?" I asked, out of breath.

"Just dandy, seeing you kiss your ex, really brightens my mood, especially after we just kissed for the first time without the context of a hookup. OF COURSE I'M NOT FINE JAYDEN!"

"Milo-"

"NO! Look, just bring me home first thing tomorrow, I'll pretend we're fine in front of your family until then."

"Milo, please-"

"How did you think I would feel? Did it not occur to you that whatever we have going on actually meant something to me? Was I only a quick fuck for you?"

"No, Milo-" I sighed and ran a hand down my face. "Please just listen to me."

He stayed quiet for a minute, so I took that as my cue.

"She apologized, I accepted it. I told her how, back then I didn't have closure, so I was miserable. She took that as an opportunity to kiss me, I don't know if she thought I still had feelings for her or what. She kissed me. And I felt absolutely nothing."

"I can't look at you right now." Was all he said. "I can't look at you, without seeing her, kissing you. I can't speak with you right now, knowing you were on the receiving end of this the last time, meaning you've turned into her. I can't continue the morbid friends with benefits thing with you either."

"But that's the thing, we're not in a committed relationship, why does it matter anyway?"

I regretted the words as soon as I said them. Milo looked like I had stabbed him with my words, I had never seen him so hurt. I knew what we had was confusing, but I knew what I said wasn't right either. In seconds the hurt turned into anger, trying to mask the hurt.

"why does it matter? WHY DOES IT MATTER?" He was in hysterics, and it was all my fault. I felt a tear fall down my face, as he said his next words, "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU JAYDEN, THAT'S WHY IT MATTERS. I TRUSTED YOU WITH MY HEART, BUT HEARING YOU SAY THAT HAS MADE ME REGRET THESE PAST FEW YEARS."

"YOU WANNA PLAY THAT CARD? I TRUSTED YOU TOO. TRY BEING IN DENIAL FOR THREE YEARS AND THEN TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GOT JEALOUS WHEN GIRLS WOULD FLIRT WITH YOU! I FELL FOR YOUR STUPID CHARM AND GOOD LOOKS AND AMAZING BODY JUST LIKE THEY DID. EVERY TIME YOU REFERRED TO ME AS YOUR FRIEND IT FELT LIKE YOU WERE STABBING ME AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHY. I THOUGHT OUR ARRANGEMENT WOULD BE PERFECT, BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS PHYSICAL ATTRACTION, AND FOR A WHILE IT DID, BUT LATELY, I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH EVERY ASPECT OF YOU. YOUR HAIR, YOUR SMILE, YOUR ADORABLE TOOTH GAP, THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME, THE WAY YOU CARE. AND IT CONFUSED ME."

I took a deep breath, and continued, calmer now. "Look, Milo. Your feelings matter to me, you matter to me. I'm sorry she kissed me, just please don't hate me."

"Jayden, I hate myself. That's why I can't be around you. I told you to talk to her, and then it happened. We just, we need to take a break, and not a Ross and Rachel break, where I bang another chick. Just time apart. All this time together clouded our judgment."

I nodded in agreement.