Catfish: The Other Side of the Screen

Chapter 4

If you've ever been overweight or you're just not completely satisfied with what your body looks like, you'll relate to me when I say that every single Monday was the day when I thought I'd finally go on the diet that would make me look the hottest. Dozens of Mondays flew by and I wasn't event trying to exercise. All I could think of was how much I missed talking to Brody. We had a real connection, or so I thought.

Because of the situation I had put myself into, I fell into a sort of depression. I didn't have anyone to talk to that much anymore. I missed being on the phone with a guy who would be interested in listening to everything I had to say. I wondered: are men actually that shallow? Why did he take interest in talking to me and why hasn't anyone before? I was convinced it was because of my stupid body. I was fat. Whale fat. I was forgetting one part though. There I was complaining about them being shallow, but the first reason I ever added these men on Facebook was because they were attractive. Life really has some weird ways of teaching you lessons.

A big part of me knew that making other people believe I was someone I wasn't was wrong but I desperately wanted attention back in my life. I needed it. So, low and behold, I went back on that stupid fake profile. I updated some of her pictures so she looked the best and I'd be able to find the best-looking bachelor. What a stupid thought process I had back then. I really can't remember stopping to think about the possibility of getting caught. It was just automatic at this point.

It didn't take much time until I had tons of messages once again in my inbox. I didn't even have to go through the hassle of having to add any of them. They were coming to me! I started to feel like a million bucks again. You know when you just plug in your phone and the little battery icon starts to fill itself up? That's exactly the way I felt whenever I logged on to this profile. While I was talking to them, I never felt the need to look any specific way or to lose weight because these men would never even be close to meeting me or seeing me in real life. I felt like I had cracked the code.

I didn't realize this then, but being on this fake profile made me forget about myself. I lost the need to look good. I mean, I didn't really have to take care of myself, right? I was using Rachel as a mask to attract them so my real body stopped being important in my brain. I literally just forgot about it.

A couple of them were interested in good conversation. And I could give them that. I've always been good with conversations. But once they started asking for me to go on camera and I started to refuse doing so, they simply stopped talking to me. Which again, I completely understand. It's what I would have done.

Don't get me wrong though, I did feel guilty. But the feeling of being loved, inspiring interest and being wanted was one that I had never experienced before and I was not about to give it up just yet. It felt too good to let go of. I was building up a fake confidence based on the compliments I was getting from men all over the world even if they were meant for somebody else.

All of them were very good looking but they just weren't Brody. None of them wanted to actually have phone conversations which ultimately was what I was looking for. They all wanted to exchange a couple of text messages, tell me how attractive they found me but that was it. No matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find anyone who would do any of the things Brody would. I was starting to give up. And I fucking should have.