Catfish: The Other Side of the Screen

Chapter 5

The year of my graduation! At least some exciting things were happening in my real life.

I felt like my whole high school experience had been leading up to this. My whole class was finally liking each other and, in the end, everyone got along with mostly everyone. I think that's how it is normally although I'm not sure. I partied a lot and took advantage of every situation I could. A part of me even forgot about the fake profile because I had way too many other things on my plate. Trying to balance a healthy social life, college applications, graduation parties and good grades made it almost impossible to keep track or pay attention to literally anything else. And in a blink of an eye, graduation day finally arrived.

I can remember every single detail of this night as if it had happened yesterday. As I slipped my coral pink dress on, I saw my reflection in the mirror. Wow. Look at me. I'm going to graduate from high school weighing over 200 pounds. I placed my hand on the mirror as if I was somehow trying to touch or pat myself. I was only 17 years old and I weighed twice as much as almost every single person I was graduating with. I felt like a complete and utter failure. How did I let myself get there? How had I not realized soon enough? Those years that people say are the ones you're supposed to enjoy the most were the ones id be looking back on with regret. I felt like an elephant.

So, in order for me to be able to have a good time, I got as drunk as I possibly could. I had never drank so much in my entire life. It's the first party I remember that I actually had an outstandingly good time in. I wasn't thinking of anything else other than the fact that I was finally graduating and that I loved to dance. I don't remember many details of what I did or who I danced with, but I know I had the time of my life and I don't regret doing so.

After graduation, I had 6 months to myself. I was set to start college the upcoming semester in January so I decided I wanted to go visit my best friend abroad on November of that same year. She was living in New York. I tried my best to lose weight once again to look my best for this trip. I managed to lose around 20 pounds and even though it was nowhere near how much I actually needed to lose, I felt fantastic.

People started to notice that I was losing weight and that fueled me. Everyone started giving me compliments whenever they saw me. It was the attention I was looking for so desperately. That was exactly the confidence boost I needed before leaving. I was ready to leave and explore New York for a month.

While in New York, both my friend and I ate like pigs. But compared to where I live, New York was such a safe place that I was able to walk around and go anywhere I wanted. So even though I ate uncontrollably, my weight was maintained because of how much walking we were doing. I met handsome men who gave me a little attention for having a different accent but none of them were actually interested in anything but sex. Not one of them got what they wanted so they gave up easily and just stopped talking to me. So, I thought of a revolutionary Idea.

I was feeling so much better about my weight because I had actually managed to lose some that I decided to get on a dating profile and I finally had the guts to use a picture of my own. Why not? I was in a different country and actually wanted to hang out with someone. It didn't take long before I matched with someone who I found attractive and who wanted to take me out on a date.

I told my friend about it and she persuaded me into accepting. We both went out to the mall to look for a cute outfit and she helped me do my hair and makeup. It was one of the most exciting days of my life because it was the first date I had ever been asked on. As the time passed that day, my anxieties began to grow and spread like wildfire. What was I even going to talk to him about? What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm too fat? So, I told my friend I needed to go to the bathroom and I remember the next few things like I had rehearsed them.

Once again, I looked myself straight in the eyes through my reflection and told myself that if this specific date didn't work out, that I'd get rid of my stupid profile and just give up on dating forever. Because if this didn't work out, it was surely because I wasn't meant for dating or even meant to be happy. I was being very hard on myself.

His name was Zack. He was tall, blonde and had broad shoulders. I wouldn't say he was exactly my type but he was very attractive. I remember asking my cab to pull up right in front of the entrance gate of the mall and being overly nervous. I could see him waiting right by the door. These nerves were eating me alive!

I opened the door of the cab and thought: let's do this. At that very moment, I was honestly feeling myself (which is more than I can say on most days). I felt pretty. I walked right up to him and with a very warm smile and confident gaze I said: ¨hey¨. He took his sunglasses off and scanned me from my toes up to the very last hair on my head. He gave me a disappointed glance. I knew that I had messed up. I shouldn't have accepted going on this date. I knew that was going to happen.

My head started to go crazy. He hadn't even said anything and I was torturing myself over it. I knew what his stare was all about. This dick wasn't actually expecting a monster to show up for the date. He was dissatisfied and he wasn't worrying about hiding it. He didn't give a fuck.

Zack: Should we go inside?

Duh, that's what we're here for, you idiot.

We sat in the food court and I couldn't gather up the courage to order anything to eat. He already thought I was a pig so why worsen the situation?

This dude was careless. He didn't give one single flying fuck about whether or not I would be offended by his behavior. I could see in the way he was eating and even talking that he wanted that god damn date to be over already. And that's the only thing we ever had in common. So, I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself dead in the eyes and promised I would never, EVER go on a date as long as I had the body I had that moment. I decided to get the fuck out of there. This jerk didn't even deserve an explanation. I called a cab and left without saying goodbye.