Sabriel Insanity

Demon Spider

AU

"SaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gabriel's high pitch scream echoed through the house, but seeing as Gabriel did that about six times a day, Sam ignored his boyfriend's plea and kept working. After all, his case wasn't going to solve itself.

"SAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!!!!" Nope. Sorry Gabe, but this moose has better things to do right now.

"SAMSQUATCH, PLEASE!!! THERE'S A BUG AND ITS GONNA KILL ME!!!!" Well that explained everything. Gabriel, tough as he acted, was a freaking baby when it came to bugs. As if to prove Sam's point further, he let out another scream. Sam sighed and got up. Gabriel was like a small child. You could only ignore their tantrum for so long.

He walked into the living room, only to see Gabe standing on the coffee table, looking terrified and staring at the floor.

"Where is it?" Sam asked. Gabriel pointed and the moose glanced over.

He'd been expecting a spider, but holy mother of bugs.

That thing was HUGE!

Sam screamed, Gabriel screamed, and next thing he knew, they were both on the coffee table, clutching at each other and screaming bloody murder.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??!?!" Sam demanded.

"IT'S A FREAKING DEMON SPIDER FROM HELL, THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!" Gabriel replied.

"IS THIS WHAT THE ONES IN AUSTRALIA ARE LIKE??"

"AUSTRALIA HAS SPIDERS THAT BIG??"

"AND BIGGER!"

"WE ARE NEVER FUCKING GOING TO AUSTRALIA!!!!"

"OH MY GOD, IT MOVED."  Gabriel screamed again and jumped up, wrapping his arms around Sam so that the taller man caught him. "WHAT DO WE DO?"

"I think," Gabriel panted with fear. "This is the point where we cut our losses and just burn the house down."

"What- NO!"

"BUT IF THERE'S ONE DEMON SPIDER, THERE MIGHT BE TWO!!!"

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!!?!?!? NOW I WANNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN!"

"THEN LET'S DO IT!"

"NO!"

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE YOU DON'T PAY THE HOME INSURANCE BILL, YOU IDIOT, SO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MONEY THAT WOULD COST US?"

"WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HOME INSURANCE WHEN ARAGOG IS ON THE FLOOR PREPARING TO EAT US??"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!" Sam calmed his brain and thought for a moment. "Okay. Okay, I think I've got an idea."

"Does it involve getting off the coffee table?" Gabe asked, still scared.

"No."

"Does the spider die?"

"Yes?"

"I'm in." Sam set Gabriel down and took out his phone. "Who are you calling?"

"Shush," The phone rang until someone picked up. Sam set the phone on speaker so that he and Gabriel could hear.

"Hello?"

"DEAN YOU GOTTA HELP US!" Sam yelled. "THERE'S A DEMON SPIDER AND IT'S GONNA EAT US SO CAN YOU PLEASE COME AND KILL IT?"

"PREFERABLY WITH FIRE!!!" Gabe added.

"...Sammy, did you seriously call me to ask me to come over and kill a spider for you?"

"....IT'S A REALLY FUCKING BIG SPIDER, OKAY?" The moose insisted. 

"Really? How big?"

"BIGGER THAN YOUR DICK, WOULD YOU JUST COME OVER AND KILL IT?" Gabriel shouted.

"Well now I just feel insulted, so no." Gabriel screeched.

"DEAN, WAIT- WAIT!" Sam yelled. "We'll let you have our pie!!"

"....How much pie we talking?"

"An apple and a cherry? Uneaten?"

"You got yourself a deal, bitch."

"JUST KILL THE FUCKING SPIDER, JERK."

Sam and Gabriel refused to get off the coffee table until Dean had shown them thorough proof that, yes, the demon spider was dead. They remained on the table as Dean took his pie and left.

"Now what?" Gabe asked, his voice still a higher pitch than usual as he clung to Sam.

"Now I'm calling pest control, because I'm not dealing with any more spiders, fuck that shit." Sam declared.

"Should we get off the coffee table?"

"Do you want to?"

"No, it's safe from spiders up here. Let's never leave."

"We'll die of starvation-"

"I have candy."

"....Well okay then."