Sabriel Insanity

Twinkie Kings

It all started the day Hostess had announced that they were going out of business, and the world lost their shit over the prospect of never being able to eat a Twinkie again.

Gabriel in particular, had not taken the news well. In fact, he had emptied his bank account, painted war stripes on his face, and promptly gone to the store and injured several people on his quest to buy out as many hostess products as he could.

It was only after that, when he was quietly munching on a twinkie with a black eye, that he brought out the Risk board game that he and Sam never played, seeing as it was the closest thing to a world map they had lying around the house.

Sam remained oblivious to all of these events until he came home from work and found the house turned upside down, a ridiculous stack of twinkie boxes in the kitchen, and Gabriel, a frozen snack cake pressed over his eye, pouring over several papers and the Risk board covered with strategically placed pieces.

"Hey," Sam started awkwardly, setting his bag down and taking in the scene. "....What are you up to?" Gabriel looked highly unstable at the moment, so he figured it was best to step cautiously into whatever mental breakdown and/or existential crisis this was. 

"Plotting my domination of the world," Gabriel replied casually. Sam didn't even blink.

"Cool, what do you want for dinner?"

"Twinkies."

"I should've guessed." Sam's gaze drifted warily towards the small stockpile of twinkies. "....Can I ask why we have a small warehouse's supply of them?"

"Didn't you hear? Hostess is going bankrupt. They're not going to be able to make Twinkies anymore." Sam froze.

"WHAT?" He demanded. "You mean- no more Hostess ANYTHING?" Gabe looked up at him.

"Yup."

"That's horrible!"

"I know!" Gabriel dug through the papers, searching for something. "Which is why I have devised a solution!"

"I'm listening." Gabe slammed a hand down on the table.

"See, if you and me take over the world, becoming dual gay kings with matching crowns, obviously, then I can make it a royal decree that Twinkies and Hostess products MUST stay in production. We'll use tax dollars to fund them or something- WHATEVER IT TAKES!"

"....And how exactly are we going to take over the world?" Gabriel studied the Risk board.

"Well I figured the Hostess lovers and my fellow candy fans would willingly join forces with us in an army, and we'll become strong enough that the U.S. military will HAVE to ally with us, and Canada's nice, so they'll jump on board; I'm sure this is a good enough cause for them. I did some research, and I think whatever forms of military there are in Nauru, the Cook Islands, Tokelau, Tonga, Samoa, Palau, Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and Kuwait will join us because according to the Who, those are the most obese countries in the world, and fat people love Hostess, so even though I have no idea where any of those places are, and most of them just look like epic vacation destinations for our next anniversary, I'm more interested in if being an obese country affects their military might. Sweden's number 11, but it's Sweden, so they're too neutral to help, I think."

"You....You actually put effort into this-"

"And of course all of these countries must have allies, so we'll get all those armies too, and really it's a good cause, so I don't see who we'll even be fighting. Twinkies are just going to be the thing that unites the world, and through world peace, we'll be crowned Kings."

"And once you've saved Twinkies and are King of the World, then what?" Gabriel glanced up at him.

"Well you're smart, so I figured you'd know how to do all that run-the-world stuff, and I could just use our massive fortune to buy candy and twinkies and spoil you senseless with fancy puppies and books. I was thinking we'd buy a beach house in Tonga and live there most of the time."

"How long have you been planning this?"

"Oh, I've been considering the idea that we become kings of the world for years, but I never thought it would be Twinkie based. On a completely unrelated note, do you think I bought enough Twinkies to build a throne out of the boxes?"

"...Yes. I think you did."

"Good, cause I'm gonna go do that- can you check my world domination plans to make sure I've covered everything? You're the lawyer, get rid of the loopholes. We've gotta move fast if we want to beat the other Twinkie lovers to Kings of the world. Maybe I should prioritize my Twinkie sword and armor over the throne." 

"Gabe....." Gabriel smiled at him.

"Yes?" Sam stared at him, at a loss for words.

"....I'm so glad I married you."