The Games We Play

Chapter 9: Feelings

Today was the day; I have my first official prenatal appointment since finding out I was pregnant. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I've been afraid that maybe I was having another chemical pregnancy or I'd miscarry. But I've made it to thirteen weeks, whereas in the past, I barely made it to ten. Matteo has been here everyday with me making sure I'm not alone. He understood my fear of losing a child, as this baby was his as well.

"Are you ready to go beautiful?"

"Yea..." I say sitting on the bed as I fidget with the hem of my dress.

"What's going on in that head of yours?"

"Fear, nervousness."

"No matter what happens, I'm here every step of the way. I love you Devina."

A single tear fell as I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves so we could leave. My thoughts were getting the best of me no matter how hard I tried to think of the positive. I've just experienced the loss one too many times that the fear was present no matter what distraction I tried to think of.

"Let's just go and get this over with."

Matteo took my hand and I hobbled out of the house, walking boot and all, and we were off to our first baby appointment; together. I was more than grateful that he was here by my side and not running to the highest peak to get away. It was still shocking to me that this happened but this is also one thing I've wanted for so long that nothing else mattered.

After a twenty minute drive, we arrived back at the hospital. I sat in my seat for a brief moment, trying to collect my thoughts once again and opened the door to get out. We walked into the building and straight to the elevator and the soft elevator music was somewhat calming. Matteo grabbed my hand and our fingers intertwined and that allowed me to relax just a little, knowing he was keeping his promise. I felt a slight sense of relief when he pulled me into his arms and I rested my head on his chest, the rest of the way up.

"Ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

We stepped off the elevator and straight into the doctor's office and checked in with the receptionist. I always hated coming in here, seeing other very pregnant woman made me feel less than and sad. I did admire them though, their bodies are creating something beautiful. I looked around, seeing the few women here with their beautiful bellies was making me feel happy and sad. I couldn't help but wish this was it; these worries would disappear and everything would be ok.

"Miss. Chase?"

I looked at Matteo as he gave me a reassuring smile; I knew he was telling me I was alright. I took his hand as we began to walk down the hallway and started squeezing it tighter the closer we got to the exam room. I thought maybe if I run now, I wouldn't have to hear the same words I have in the past and the hurt wouldn't be so bad as I waited on my body dispel another hope and dream. It would just happen when it did and I wouldn't have to wait for days wondering when it would happen.

"Good morning Miss. Chase."

"Good morning Dr. Goodwin." I say sitting down in the brown exam table.

"Well, let's get straight to it. Your HCG is perfect at 217,000."

"You said perfect? Did I hear that right?"

"You did, in the past when you got to nine weeks, as you know your levels should have been at least at about 26,000. At minimum, your levels at thirteen weeks should be about 13,000."

"So is this it? I'm not going to lose this baby?"

"I can't say what the future will bring, but right now everything is perfect. Don't stress so much and relax, pamper yourself. Now, let's do a quick ultrasound. What do you say?"