Sugar|kryoz

one

you bite your nails,
he clicks his pen
i smoke cigarettes
we all die in the end

"Sarah, you're such a fucking dumb ass"

that line is different depending on who says it. what they mean. do they laugh afterwards.

is the laugh sweet? is it flirty. maybe it's just a genuine laugh. maybe it's a laugh that makes you question why you were there in the first place.

for instance- when John calls me a dumb ass, it's always sarcastic. a joke.

when Craig calls me a dumb ass, he means well, but you know he's serious.

when he calls me a dumb ass. Zachary. he means it. and not in a good way. it's usually followed by "you're such a bitch." "I can't believe I'm dating you." then followed by no laugh. maybe a scoff, but that's it. there's no emotion.

I need to leave him.

I need to leave him.

I need to leave him.

But it's so goddamn hard.

Zachary and I first started dating about three months ago. I thought he was a good guy. he seemed like he genuinely cared. he called me beautiful and made me feel like I was important.

I didn't learn until our second date that it was all an act. when I told a joke he didn't find to be all that funny and he made sure I knew that. he made damn sure I knew that it wasn't funny at all. I was so dumb for telling it in the first place.

after a while of me being able to catch on, he told me that I wasn't allowed to tell John or Craig or Jay or Kugo or anybody what he'd been saying to me. or he'd take it further.

I wasn't really sure what further meant. I wasn't really that determined to find out either, so I just sucked it up and kept to myself.

he made me do all sorts of things.

I started smoking, because of him.
when I turned 21, I had two drinks a day, getting me tipsy. because apparently I'm cuter and quieter when I'm drunk. I had to start wearing more promiscuous items when going to sleep in case he got horny in the middle of the night.

real amazing guy, here, let me tell you.

I wasted my virginity on this man.

I wasted what seemed like decades on this man.

I felt dirty. I felt sick. I hated myself and how I was for letting him do all this to me. and how I just went along.

afraid of what "worse" was.

but then again, in your own personal hell, worse just seems like every step.