What it cost

Chapter 6

Sirius didn't sleep that night. He just watched Remus sleeping and he didn't move at all. He stayed in the same position, his face to Remus and his back to the wall. Remus' hand was on his hand and he kept the other one above them so Remus wouldn't move it. He wanted to hold his hand forever. He tried the whole night not to kiss the other man. Let's just say it's really hard having the love of your life in front of you and not grab his face and kiss him. Sirius imagined what kissing Remus would taste like after all this time! would it taste the same, like old time? Okay, now he was biting his bottom lip, he was definitely not doing good with controlling himself. 'don't kiss him' 'you'd freak him out' 'but what if I kiss him really slowly so he wouldn't wake up?' 'Remus won't wake up that easily!' 'but what if he would!' 'Oh come on Sirius you know how much you miss him just kiss him already' 'how long should I wait till he wakes up' 'okay now I'm hungry.... would Remus' lips help me to get fed up' 'oh it definitely would' 'no! stop' 'you don't want your first kiss after such a long time to be kissing him in sleep, do you?' 'hell, why not' 'no you'd want him kissing you back as well' 'but what if he never kisses me again?' the last thought made him sob. After that he only studied Remus, and while he was doing that a lot of happy memories came back to his mind, good memories that were erased in Azkaban, all the happy memories that the dementors were feeding on for 12 years. Like the first time they kissed or the first time they did it. Okay, he totally shouldn't have thought about it in this situation, now he was tempted even more.
He tried to remember his birthday parties with his friends or their pranks or anything else but with Remus lying in front of him all the memories he could remember now was them snogging and kissing. Like the time he gave Remus a hand job during the class. Or the time they were locked up in a broom-shed so they started snogging madly before James walked on them and saw them in the middle of their job. Remus was blushing and hiding from James all day and James didn't speak with them like for 2 days, meanwhile Sirius couldn't stop laughing. Sirius tried to go further back, he wanted to remember his first date, not that they ever had a proper date just the two of them without James and Peter joining their party, but still, it was something that Sirius wanted to think about. Sirius knew he shouldn't hope that Remus would fall for him again. Last time wasn't easy and they had help but now what? It was just him and a very shitty past. He wished James and Lily would be there now more than ever, they would've fixed it, they could've fixed everything. What would James think of him in this situation? Would he be a coward for not telling Remus about his feelings? James would certainly think so! Lily helped them get together last time, without her it was impossible. So it was kind of impossible now. 'Lily would have told you, you're such an idiot for not doing anything' Sirius thought. But without Lily how was he supposed to know what to say and when to say it? Sirius was happy that he had Remus back, he didn't want to lose him again, so the decision was made! 'never tell him you're still in love with him' Sirius thought 'oh yes Sirius that would be exactly what James and Lily would have done!" Sirius rolled his eyes 'but they're not here, are they? You're free to ruin your life without anyone stopping you! Great eh?' 'you don't know how Remus feels and you don't want to lose him under no circumstance so better not tell him at all' Sirius decided
It was almost 7 a.m. and Remus was still snoring. Sirius was starving but he knew it was risky to wake up Moony. Remus was a sleepyhead so he had to wake himself up, if anyone else would wake him up, he'd be moody all the day. Besides, he looked really cute when he was sleeping so Sirius didn't even bother. It was almost 7:30 when Remus finally opened his eyes and their eyes met.

"morrrrning sun shine" Sirius whispered

"m-morning" Remus turned around to see the clock, his hand finally getting apart from Sirius' hands "how long have you been wake?" he asked sleepy

"not long.... But I'm already starving"

"yeah me too someone ate all my dinner last night"

"And that someone is not really sorry about it. He was that hungry he could've even eaten you" shit bad thing to say, Sirius thought after seeing how Remus blushed, although he used to love making him blush and he realized he still loves it but it was probably not appropriate "I meant your meat" shit he made it worse and Remus couldn't blush more "I mean human meat"