What it cost

Chapter 16

Remus:

The next three days past with Remus and Sirius avoiding each other the whole time. Remus only looked for him once, only to make sure he was there and he was safe, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if Sirius had left the house. he made sure Sirius wouldn't see him, he wasn't ready to face him yet! He wasn't sure if he could ever face him again he thought about leaving the house, but he had nowhere else to live... maybe it was a bad idea to move in with Sirius.

Remus knew he shouldn't break. he knew he shouldn't let the tears fall. He'd found a way, long time ago, when the world, his world, fell into pieces, he found a way to hunt down his demons, the same demons that Sirius was having at nights, he tried to lock things up, everything, all the bad things that have ever happened to him, all the bad things he's done, all the horrible memories, tortures, lies, cries, all the pain, he hid them all behind a door, locked them there and that door was never meant to be open. Every bad thing has found its way through that door and locking them up was Remus' way to survive.

ever since that night Remus was having nightmares and he wondered if that door has been opened. Besides that, he spent the most of the day thinking and drinking. He sometimes had dreams at nights which left him longing and having lust after waking up. He wasn't sure why he had those dreams. Most of the time in those dreams Sirius didn't stop kissing or touching him the way he did that night. Remus tried to convince himself that this was all happening because he was feeling guilty.

Maybe he should at least leave for few days, he could go to Kingsley's. Kingsley has become a really good friend to Remus since few weeks now, they got along well and could always have an interesting conversation. Remus enjoyed having some friends. he tried most of the time to talk to the new order members and he was relieved that they also talked to him comfortably despite knowing the fact that he was a werewolf, not that he couldn't make friends before but this time was different, the whole magic world was against him because of ministry's words.

Sirius, well Sirius on the other hand kept distance, not that he wasn't friendly to anyone, he talked, he laughed, mostly faked, though Remus wasn't sure if anyone except him realized that, he listened to others and answered shortly to their questions, he never spoke important words to anyone, just spoke when he was asked to. He looked unpleasant at Remus every time he saw him getting too friendly with Kingsley, Bill, Tonks or anyone else, at first Remus thought it was because Sirius didn't want to be close to new people and be friends with them because of obvious reasons but now he wasn't sure that was all... the only person Sirius talked to a lot besides Remus, was Mundungus. Remus never liked that guy but it seemed that he and Sirius were good friends and Remus hated that, not because he was jealous pfff course NOT! He only believed that for someone who is keeping distance to everyone and is not willing to trust new people, trusting Mundungus is a clear mistake. He found them sometimes whispering at each other and when Remus asked Sirius about the whole thing, he said he was only asking Mundungus about Harry. Remus didn't believe that's all but he didn't tease him either.

Anyways, it would probably be good for Sirius as well, if Remus just left the house for few days. he didn't leave his room often after that night so maybe if Remus wasn't around Sirius would go somewhere else besides his room. it's been three days and there's been no progress so Remus finally decided to leave. He sent a patronus to Kingsley, packed his stuff, which weren't a lot, and he went downstairs

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Sirius:

Sirius spent the days (and nights) regretting what he did that night. He had waken Remus up only to speak about the things which were bothering him for weeks! Having troubles with casting the patronus charm wasn't even his main problem, to be honest he didn't even really care, that was only a way to get Remus to talk. He hadn't figured Remus avoiding to drink till that night but maybe that wasn't important, maybe he really wasn't in the mood to drink. The thing which was annoying him was Remus, not telling him the truth about what truly happened to him during the first war with werewolves. He was certain that something horrible must have happened otherwise Remus would've told him right? Asking and begging McGonagall for an answer hasn't been successful either.

'I am not in the position to tell you this Sirius, it's Remus' secret and only he decides if it should be said'

So he tried to come up with an idea to ask Remus but he fucked up. He got too emotional and screwed everything. He probably shouldn't have drunk before going to Remus. Even in his right mind it was hard for him to control himself. So when Remus with his messy hair falling on his forehead, looking absolute adorable, sat in front of him, he kind of forgot everything in that moment and just thought about snogging him senselessly, he probably would have done it if he'd been even drunker and it wouldn't have ended with only snogging, no Sirius would have made things go further, Sirius certainly wanted to make things go further and in his defense he really couldn't help it. Luckily he stopped, he stopped things from getting even worse and yet he spent 3 days without seeing Remus or talking to him so maybe he actually didn't stop anything. He stopped that night knowing that pushing Remus would only cause the opposite of what he wanted. maybe he stopped too late, maybe Remus was gone for sure, maybe the two of them could never belong to each other again.

Sirius had promised himself before not to push Remus, not to ask him more, not to cause any troubles, only because he couldn't bear it without him and again he messed up. Sirius couldn't even remember a time when he did something without messing up. What horrible thing has he done in his life to deserve such thing?

It's been 3 days and Sirius has been missing him already, but it was too soon to face him yet. He didn't want to push Remus any longer and honestly he wasn't sure what he should say at all.

He went out to get himself some food, most of the people were already at the table, the atmosphere of the house has become awkward lately, everyone seemed to know something was wrong but no one dared to ask.

He was in the kitchen, when he heard some footsteps, someone was walking hastily to the kitchen

"Arthur!" Molly said, sounding scared "what's wrong?"

"Sirius!" he said, sweating on his forehead "it's Harry!"

Sirius felt his heart sinking, in one second every possible bad thing went through his head

"dad? What happened?" Ron asked

"it's been an attack! The dementors in privet drive! Don't worry Harry is fine" Arthur immediately said when he saw Sirius' complete blank face "he fought them"

"he fought them?" Hermione yelled "I thought order's members have been watching him" she glared at Sirius

"what does the ministry say?" Sirius kept everything he had in control to speak out calmly

"they've expelled him of course"

"THEY DID WHAT?" everyone at the table shouted

"Dumbledore is fixing the problem" Arthur said, looking worried at Sirius "you must write to Harry! I also wrote to him but I'm not sure he'd listen!"

Sirius nodded and headed out quickly but when he was at the door frame, he saw Remus walking downstairs with a bag in his hand. Remus stopped on the last two stairs when he saw Sirius' pale face

Sirius took a look on Remus and then on the bag and then looked up at Remus again

"I-" Remus said panicky

"I don't care" Sirius sniffed and passed by him as quickly as possible