What it cost

Chapter 18

Sirius couldn't read Remus's expression. He was sad, angry, concerned, disappointed, shocked and he looked definitely miserable.

"I can't believe it" said Remus sickened

"please don't make such a big deal out of it. It's not like what you think... I only use a little, just so I can keep it cool and- Remus- I- okay let's be honest- I can't keep my mind straight and I've been feeling so strange lately- like I don't- like I don't belong here... I feel such a mess... I just can't... everything hurts-"

"you know everyone's telling me you've become insane and reckless lately" said Remus, apparently not listening to a word Sirius said "I've been trying hard to prove them wrong... guess I was the one who was wrong all along"

Sometimes Sirius felt that Remus forgets how much the words can hurt.

"Re"

"you've gone so far this time... drugs? I mean Sirius DRUGS?"

"how about you yell that out a little louder... I think there is someone's portrait on the wall who would love to hear that"

"AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T FEEL BELONGED? Everyone has treated you nicely ever since they came to this house-"

"have they?"

"-and YOU SIR have shown no respects to anyone. WELL GUESS WHAT SIRIUS? it isn't their responsibility to be polite to you, they don't have to make you your dinner and lunch, they don't have to be your friend when you don't even try to be theirs"

"so you feel like it's your responsibility to stay here and be nice to me?"

"oh no, no, no" Remus laughed shortly "I, Sirius Black, am already the only friend you have, this isn't about me. It's about you building a wall around yourself and not letting anyone in-"

"I let you in" Sirius murmured quietly

"and while you're there between the walls, you whine about being alone and helpless... well look around Sirius, people have been trying to help you. You just picked the wrong guy-"

"I appreciate you struggling hard to save me-"

"I'm not talking about me"

"you are! Remus Lupin, always talking about 'them' while he repetitively means himself- I know you! And I'm sorry if me taking drugs means to you that you've failed being my 'only friend' and I'm sorry if I built a wall around myself and don't want to let anyone else except you or Harry in. I'm sorry that my behavior is such a disappointed, I'M SORRY that I wasn't, that I'M NOT as TOUGH as YOU expected me to be, I'm sorry that all I've ever done was letting you down. GUESS WHAT moony? I knew that using drugs and being an addict would disappoint you and yet I fucking did it because I'm a fucking bullshit who hasn't done ANYTHING in his life than disappointing people. And I'm sorry that you're here despite all of that, I'm sorry that YOU TOO have only one pathetic friend in your life who hasn't done anything but hurting you and making you an alcoholic alone man whom GOD KNOWS what happened to when he got rejected from that pitiful friend who loved him SO MUCH but was so stupid and blind and couldn't see a thing that was going on until it was too late and he started regretting it ever since. And you stand here judging me about building a wall around myself while YOU TOO are still hiding what truly happened to you when you were spying and living along those werewolves in the time when your stupid boyfriend was sitting home thinking he's the one saving people, that he's saving his friends while the only one who survived was actually the one he pushed away and I'm starting to realize that if you hadn't been away, I probably would have got you killed too" Sirius paused "I'm sorry that I killed our dreams" there were tears in his eyes which he couldn't let fall now so he continued with a shaky voice "and I'm sorry that I need drug to live with the fact that I destroyed a boy's wonderful happy life in his sweet warm home in the arms of his lovable caring parents, which were the best parents anyone could ask for, while the only thing I did for him in return was giving him a firebolt-"

"stop this! stop regretting the past and start thinking about future. You won't succeed until you start from new"

"I CAN'T, if I could stop thinking about the past I would have, I can't forget it! even though I want to start a new life it just doesn't work and honestly Remus I don't think this new life would be any better than the last one. I feel like I am stuck somewhere between and I don't know what to do..."

"well I know that saying the stuff that I said before won't help you. We've talked about this before, I told you that Harry, your godson, who terribly loves you may I add, is not blaming you for his parents' death, all he wants is for you, his godfather and only family, to be there, he doesn't want you to be perfect, he doesn't want you to feel guilty because of your mistake, he only wants you to be there and you" Remus said and pointed his finger at Sirius "you owe him that, you owe him like you owe no one else, you owe him to fix whatever shit you're going into because this isn't about you or me anymore! you're gonna come to your right mind and stop this and try dammit. You're whining that you couldn't do much for Harry? Well this is your chance to give him that sweet warm home you've talked about, hell who knows how the hearing will go he might as well have to live here with you and he doesn't deserve this" Remus looked disgusted at him while he took Sirius by collar "this isn't the side of you that you want to show to Harry, BELIEVE ME, I know how it will break his heart"

"you're right he deserves much more than I can ever offer"

"no, the Sirius I know could do much better than this you just have to find yourself and I'm gonna help you because you're right YOU ARE THE ONLY 'PATHETIC' FRIEND I HAVE and I don't want to lose that to bunch of drugs. Besides, I know how hard it is to find yourself back when you're down in the dumps. Lucky you, you don't have to do this alone"