Simply Naughty-Joey ✔

C H A P T E R 23

It's hard. It's hard to know that while your family are worried about your safety and protection from that one guy who was supposed to be your father, yet you're leading yourself to him. It pisses me off that the conversation we had was something that was supposed to be a heart to heart thing, something that was supposed to be worthwhile to the both of us.

He offered to bring me into his world, the world that ruined my mom and is currently ruining me. I didn't mean in the last couple years though, I almost meant now. It was crumbling me down and the only way to sort it was with my fix of cocaine. I was in some party, high of my mind and loving the pretty lights that streamed across the walls and onto the masses of bodies.

This was the life I was leading myself into, so how different would it be if I got involved with my so called father? He fucked us up, he fucked us in all sorts of ways and made sure that he went to prison with a smile on his face. He knew what his son was going to turn out to be and he got his dream, he got his dream alright.

I found myself staring at the opposite side of the room and a girl who has been looking at me while she danced. She was someone from one of my classes, but I couldn't tell which one it was from but she was fucking hot. Yet when I kept my eyes on her, leading her on with my looks and gestures, she didn't interest me in any way.

My mind was trained on Enna too. She was hurting, she was hurting bad when I left her in her room and left to come to this party. I cared so much about her killing herself that I abandoned her in her room and led myself to my own death. It was the lowest of the low I felt, but it was such a good feeling to just...not care.

Intoxication and being high at the same time? They were the formula for death, no despairing, just a quick death. After my illness a couple days ago from some drug I took, I was in the position of sweating and going through hot and cold flashes but I couldn't process the fact that I needed to care. I needed to care enough to get up and get the fuck out of here.

It was hard to convince your whole body to save yourself, especially when you were tilting off to the side and feeling your eyes start to close. My lips had tilted up, smiling at the fact that I had achieved nothing good in my life and you know what else? Eli was right; he was right about things being handed to me on a silver platter, or whatever he said.

Everything that I had gone through up until now, the safety and protection, that was handed to me and it was given to me by my saviour. My sister would kill herself in order to make sure that I was safe and what was I doing? I was leading myself to my death because I was a selfish person that couldn't handle a little bit of trauma. I mean, who the fuck was I to battle these things?

Sinister forests and faces was so close to me that I succumbed to the darkness that I was led to because where there was light, was my sister and she needed it more than I. She didn't inherit the addiction that I had. She was happy, she wished for me to be happy, she wished for the kids she took care of to be happy but that wasn't life.

Who the fuck was I kidding? Anyone could be happy if they tried but I didn't try. I was a pussy, I was a big pussy who just gave in whenever things got a little tough. Laughter filled my ears, my own of course while I walked through these woods that seemed like it was never ending. It was a fucking joke to me, a fucking live fairytale that I was walking through.

No one was here to stop me, until I hit my leg on something. My father's face crawled out of the ground I walked on and it made me laugh because it was fitting. He was crawling out the depths of hell and trying to bring me down with him, but the thing was that I was in the middle of it all. I was in between heaven and hell.

Looking above me, I saw darkness too. Masses and masses of trees struck my vision, making me cower away onto the fall, close to my father who had a slight grip on me but I wouldn't follow his command, I wouldn't go in. Bursts of light would be my saviour, but if only I wanted it and right now I wasn't sure what I wanted.