Jay's Twilight

Sorrow

Jay's POV.

I haven't left the shed in around a couple of weeks now, only to use the bathroom or get water. I haven't slept in that time as well, nightmares occurring every time. I am out of room to cut myself on my arms, legs, and stomach.  I am beyond depressed, basically suicidal, except I always wake up after several hours. Everyone has been too caught up with the Cullens being back to notice my absence. I am sitting on my bed, with an adamantium bullet loaded gun. Debating something I really shouldn't.

I am brought from my thoughts by a knock on my door, hiding my gun under my pillow, I go open it and see that it is Jasper.

We just stare at each other, not speaking a single word.  His eyes tear up with tears that will never fall.

"May I help you?" I ask him, my void of all emotion.

"Where have you been?" He asks me.

"Why does it concern you?" I retort.

"Because I love you," He responds.

"No, you don't. You told me yourself, in a letter," I tell him.

"Yes, I love you so much. I thought I was doing the right thing, distancing myself from you, to keep you safe," Jasper explains.

"You distanced yourself alright. And took any positive emotion I had with you," I tell him.

"What do you mean?" Jasper asks me, "Why are you blocking me from feeling your emotions?" He asks.

"You don't want to know what I am feeling. Trust me," I respond to him.

"Let me feel what you are feeling, Jay. Please?" He asks, pleading with me.

I put down the shield I had had up for weeks so that Edward can't read me, Jasper can't feel me, and Alice can't see me.

Jasper physically stumbles back from the wave of negative emotions that came on to him. 

He stares at me, tears in his eyes again, he flashes towards me, bringing me into a hug.

I just stand there. 

"I am so sorry," Jasper tells me, over and over again. "How long have you felt like this?" He asks me.

"Since reading your letter," I tell him.

"Darlin' I love you more than anything I will ever come to know. I didn't mean a word in that letter, I was hoping that if I made you angry with me, it'd be easier for you to move on," Jasper explains to me.

"It didn't make me angry, well, you asking me to promise you shit did, but what you said as a whole, didn't. I went completely numb for a few days, then came the grief, and sorrow, then I just ignored it all. It gradually becoming depression. I have been in here for several weeks, so tell me, why are you just know coming?" I ask him.

"I had hoped you would eventually come out, that you just needed space to gather your thoughts and emotions," Jasper tells me.

I laugh a very sarcastic laugh, "Yep my thoughts are gathered, all on one topic, one goal. My emotions, they approve of it," I tell him.

"What topic?" Jasper asks, hesitantly.

"Well, let's just say that I have a few things in here that I shouldn't," I tell him.

He sniffs the air, "is that gunpowder?" he asks.

"Yeah..." I tell him full of shame and sorrow, as what I had planned to do came back to my mind.

He goes over to where the gun is hidden and uncovers it.

"Why do you have this?" He asks.

"Well, before I answered the door, I was debating, through my forehead, or through my mouth," I tell him.

He pulls the mag out, seeing the one bullet, "What's the bullet made of?" He asks.

"Adamantium," I tell him.

"Would this have killed you?" He asks, fearing the answer.

"Well, if I put it through my forehead, I would live, but lose all my memories. My mouth would actually kill me," I explain.

He takes the bullet out and puts it in his pocket. "You can get that back either when I die since I wouldn't be able to stop you anymore, or when I can trust you not to use it," he tells me.

I sigh, which led to me yawning.

"When's the last time you slept properly?" He asks

"The night before you guys left," I tell him.

Jasper comes over to me and leads me to my bed. He lays down with me and says, "Go to sleep, Jay, I'll be here when you wake up." 

He sends me some emotion mix of calm and tired, and I let myself succumb to the much-needed sleep.

I wake up the next morning, Jasper beside me.

"I'll be back, I need to change, then I will come and bring you to school. Make sure you actually eat something," Jasper tells me.

"Ok," I reply, knowing I am not really gonna eat much.

He runs out of my room, leaving me to get dressed. I wear long sleeves and jeans with a long pair of boots. Grabbing my leather jacket, that Logan gave me before he forgot about me, I leave the shed. Heading to the front of the house, not bothering with food.

I wait out front, when Jasper pulls up, "Did you eat?" he asks.

"Yep," I tell him.

He sighs, and pulls out an apple, "Here," he says, handing me the apple to eat.

I sigh, taking a bite of the apple. He smiles, then takes my hand and brings me to his car. 

I ate half the apple before I decided I was done. I chuck the rest of the apple out the window. I hear Jasper sigh. 

"What?" I ask, looking at him.

"You only ate half that apple. When was the last time you ate an actual meal?" He asks me.

"It's been a while," I reply, not knowing the exact time I stopped eating.

"Why?" he asks me.

"I didn't have any motivation to get out of bed, let alone eat. I did drink water, though. Plus when one contemplates the shit I did, well, food would just keep me alive," I explain to him.

We arrive at school and make our way over to the other Cullens and Bella.

"Hey, Jay. It's been a while," Alice says.

"I know," I tell them, putting my shields back up, so none of them could read me.