Don't Know What To Do

004 | Escape

E d i t e d .

- K I M , J N -
f i r s t
p e r s o n .

"Since when did it start?" I asked, not smiling even one bit.

His brows scrunched together, probably confused at whatever I was saying.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"When did your stigma start?"

He paused, gulping. "How did you know?"

"Your eyes . . . they can't lie," I told him. "What happened? What caused you to be this sad?"

He chuckled, shaking his head. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Jennie-ssi."

"If you say so," I mumbled. I didn't want to force him into telling me.

He sighed.

A minute or two passed and we were enveloped with complete awkward silence. Fucking hell, I hate moments like this.

"It started when I became an idol, back in 2013," he suddenly started to speak up. I nodded, indicating that I was listening to him. "My grandparents practically raised me, that's why I became naive. It all started when I was delivering some crops to the market. I was singing, then this talent scout approached me. If you could've seen that look on my face. I was drop-dead excited to perform on stage, you see.

However, I started regretting instantly as soon as I was revealed as the last member of BTS. Bashers came swarming in and such . . . Then, when we debuted, people started criticising me for how I sang and danced. I began to work harder, but it was no use."

I nodded, indicating that I was listening to him.

"Training wasn't easy, and the idol life just made it worse. We started off with nothing at all, and there came I time that we only ate once for one day. Everything was messed up ever since, they all accused us of plagiarism and chart manipulation and etcetera. We had to go through a lot.

Then, this big break came for us. Little did I know that my grandmother would pass away after that, and it just made me feel even more crestfallen," he turned towards me, giving me a faint smile.

"I hope you never experience everything I went through. The idol life is a lonely world, and your circle of friends must be kept small. If not, then some of your so called friends will turn their backs against you, use you for publicity, frame you up, use you for extra income, sell your information for money . . ." he rambled.

The devastation in his eyes were clearly seen, and it made my heart break a bit. He seemed to have gone through a lot, more than I could have ever experienced.

He turned towards me once more, "I wanna escape, Jennie-ssi . . ." his eyes started to get watery. "But how?"

There was a moment of silence between us, but he quickly composed himself. He laughed it off, continuing to eat.

Just as he was going to say something, I quickly cut him off. "Mine started over a year now," I told him. He shared a part of him, I guess it's just fair that I share a part of me, too. "Body shaming, excessive exhaustion, bullying, maltreatment, false accusations, betrayal, I've experienced it all."

He held my arm, giving me a small smile to continue, probably because my voice was starting to crack since I was trying to hold my tears back. I hate these kinds of conversations, but I was willing to tell him my story.

"Because I'm entitled as YG's princess, people think everything is served to me on a silver plate. Like the others, I also trained. I spent almost half of my life to become a singer, but they're all too blinded with the title," I licked my lips. "You see, I don't understand their standards. They called me fat, so I decided to lose weight. When I did, they said I looked like a stick so I decided to gain weight once more. Then, they called me a boar."

He gripped onto my arm tighter, reassuring me. I was stuttering the next words I was going to say, but he stopped me. "You don't need to tell me," he said. "I can see that you're obligated to tell me because I told you. Don't force yourself."

I couldn't help but smile at him, mouthing a thank you. I don't think I can share the other details yet. I'm not ready. I only opened it up to my psychologist, and nobody else.

Though he did tell me that I shouldn't force myself to tell him, I felt guilty. And so, right after we finished with our coffee and instant noodles, I had an idea, grabbing his arm and immediately pulling him out of the convenience store.

It was still raining, and I was a bit reluctant if I should continue since I wasn't sure if he'd like it. However, I led us both to the fountain.

He removed his coat, quickly putting it onto my head. "What's this? You might catch a cold--"

"Would you care to dance with me, sunbaenim?" I asked, flashing a cute little smile.

He smiled back, but he seemed a little cofused as well. "Huh? Jennie-ssi, what are you talking about?"

Instead of explaining, I grabbed my phone and immediately started to play a tune. Cold Water.

Everybody gets high sometimes, you know . . .

I tucked my phone back in my pocket, giving his coat back to him.

What else can we do when we're feeling low?

Then, I smiled, starting to dance under the rain.

So take a deep breath and let it go . . .

Just then, I saw how he smiled at me as well, starting to approach me, dropping his coat on the ground.

You shouldn't be drowning on your own . . .

We both danced together, laughing at our silliness.

And if you feel you're sinking, I will jump right over into cold, cold water for you . . .

He grabbed my hand and twirled me around.

And although time may take us into different places I will still be patient with you . . .

He once again twirled me, but I lost my balance so I ended up falling onto his chest, which we laughed off once again.

And I hope you know . . .

We looked at each other in the eyes.

I won't let go . . .

He began to smile again, grabbing both of my hands and we danced together with that.

I'll be your lifeline tonight . . .

If someone saw us right now, they'd mistake us as lunatics. But wow, I hardly cared.

I won't let go . . .

I couldn't help but stare at him, just to see his hair soaked in water. His bare face as handsome as ever. I'm afraid that this isn't just some crush, anymore.

I'll be your lifeline tonight . . .

He went near me and asked, "What's this dancing in the rain scene all about?" he asked, still smiling from ear to ear.

And I was glad that I was able to be the cause of that . . . somehow.

"Your escape," I told him. "From now on, I'll accompany you in any escapade, sunbaenim."

He lifted his eyebrows, surprised. "I . . ." he sincerely smiled, deeply looking into my eyes. "I appreciate this. Thank you so much, Jennie-ssi."

"No, sunbaenim," I told him. "Thank you."

Thank you for giving me the key to enter your life. Guess this isn't just a crush, anymore.