Sick of Love Songs (Sean&Kaycee) FINISHED

The beginning of the end

"Next up, Kaycee and Sean!" the announcer said into the microphone, "each doing their own thing, they are outstanding. Together? Oh man, they are a force! Here to perform to "Should've kissed you", give it up for these two!"

Stood behind the curtains, Sean behind me, I felt sick to my stomach. Exactly 5 years ago that day, he and I had danced together for the very first time. I didn't remember much about the day itself, but I still knew the choreography by heart, still trusted him to no end and I feared I'd never forget the way dancing with him made me smile. 5 years later we were both grown up and standing on the floorboards of a stage for what must've been the millionth time. A lot had changed. We weren't short and lanky anymore and over the years, we'd lost a lot of that spark and love for dance, many of the smiles were faked for the sake of the peering eyes watching. But nothing had shaken the endless trust I had felt for the 14-year-old, who was just as tall as me. He was now a head taller but I still trusted him the most, at least when it came to dancing.

"Let's go, Kayc," Sean said with his hand on my back, meant for encouragement but only making my stomach turn more. I still did as I was told, plastering on a smile and running to the stage.

It wasn't the dancing I was afraid of. No, not at all. The thing that frightened me the most was standing on that stage, looking him in the eye and seeing the defeat. The look in his eyes that said "Kaycee, I don't think it's working anymore". Because for the last year, dancing together became increasingly harder and harder as the pressure was too strong, the stakes too high and the world always watching. I struggled with insecurity and he struggled with the fear of losing the heart of it all. I struggled with a broken heart and he struggled with the loss of his best friend.

But time after time, just like that day, we showed up, we danced and we went our separate ways until the next rehearsal, showcase, workshop or competition. We painted a pretty picture with a thousand words unspoken, a thousand looks that were never returned and a thousand smiles meant for somebody else. We rarely really looked at each other these days, far from smiling.

We took our places in the middle of the stage, facing each other with my eyes glued to the ground until we slipped behind our masks. Until the music went on and it was safe to look at him.

I don't know why he chose this song to choreograph to. It seemed as if no matter how many times I'd heard it at rehearsals, the words just kept sticking a pin in my heart and at times it felt like he enjoyed watching. "It seems like every time you give me signs and I miss it." Maybe he really was trying to bring us to the finish line.

The thought brought tears into my eyes as I spun away from him. "I left you standing there and now I regret it," the song continues as he walks up to me and wraps his arms around me. "Sean, don't do this," I think, not entirely sure if I want him to let me go or never let me go.

But he lets go as we keep dancing, the piece choreographed to portray our struggles perfectly. "I should've kissed you, I should've showed you just how I feel." It was too much. With his hands holding my head in place, noses touching, he looks at me as if this was all true. As if this wasn't a play for the crowd currently erupting in cheers. As if this was what he really felt. But I knew it wasn't. He had made his choice.

"Kiss already!" I heard from the crowd. It's never going to happen was the only thought in my mind as the piece came to an end and Sean held me to him, my feet off the floor and our frantic heartbeats competing against each other as they'd done so many times before.

He looked up at me, a line in the middle of his eyebrows from frowning. "You okay?"

Ignoring the tear stuck in the corner of my eye, I nodded and signalled for him to put me back on the ground, words tangled in my throat. It took him a second, but Sean put me down, my body sliding towards the floor against his. He really had changed in the past 5 years.

Taking a hold of my hand, we both bowed out of habit and waved before exiting the stage still holding hands, maybe for the last time, with the arena cheering.

"You have plans for tonight?" Sean asked as we walked the hall towards the bright neon sign marking the exit to the back of the building, "I was thinking of calling up a few friends and having a freestyle session." Yes, I'd love to.

"I think I'll take a raincheck, I'm beat from the day," I lied, knowing he only asked knowing I'd pass. I could tell by his face that he didn't buy the excuse, but there was no reason to call me out on my lie. It was easier this way.

"Okay then, I'll see you on Tuesday, yeah?," he replied as he opened the door for me to pass through. I nodded in silence and took the 5 steps to the pavement with Sean following behind me. His car was parked on the side of the building, keys already dangling from his fingers. Searching for the earphones in my bag, I noticed him stopping just a few steps from me. Newly found cord in my hand, I looked up, not expecting him to look at me with that look in his eyes. The look that said I'm sorry.

"Is someone picking you up?"

"No, just walking," I said, already plugging the cord to my phone and turning away, already contemplating whether to give in and play the list of songs to cry to or at least try to make it home without a complete meltdown.

A wave of electricity went through me as I felt his hand on my shoulder, stopping me from leaving in a hurry. "Come on, I'll drop you off."

"It's fine, really. You have places to be and I don't mind walking," I said, thinking of a time when this was a no-brainer, a time when we weren't like people meeting for the first time and everything being awkward.

"I don't like you walking alone in the dark," he countered, eyes worried and one hand in his pocket – his tell-tale of being unsure of himself.

I forced a smile and said I'd be fine. He still wasn't convinced, but stopped pushing. "Say hi to your family," he said instead, smiling genuinely for the first time that night. I simply nodded and turned away, this time being the first to walk away.