Sick of Love Songs (Sean&Kaycee) FINISHED

The loose ends

Heya! I'm feeling generous today, so 2 CHAPTERS! Yay! I really hope you like this and that it helps you understand the whole Sean-Camilla situation a bit better. Please let me know what you think! ALSO HAVE YOU SEEN THE VIDEO OF SEAN SPEAKING AT SHAKEITDR ABOUT HOW YOU SHOULD CHEER FOR EVERYONE, EVEN THOUGH KAYCEE IS SUPER GREAT?! ALSOOOOOO DISNEYLAND?!?!??!?! Wow, okay, it's hard for me, don't judge. 

Sean's P.O.V

The present

When I made it back home, it seemed as if an entire year had passed and not in a symbolic, over-exaggerated way. So much had happened in the past 24 hours, I'd experienced the emotions a normal person goes through in a year. At least that's what I thought.

After leaving the hospital, a crying mom staying behind to explain everything, I did something I should've done a long time ago. Well, actually, something that I never should've needed to do in the first place, had I not been an idiot.

Camilla and I met up at her favourite coffee shop, just down the street from the place Kaycee and I always went for a donut and hot chocolate. The distinction between the two places was just another indicator of how I should've realized my mistake sooner. You truly fucked it up, man, I'd told myself, pushing the door to enter the painfully lit room filled with modern interior. Camilla was already waiting, scrolling away on her phone while sipping on her ice latte at the table by the window. While Kaycee always picked the table near the back, enjoying as much privacy as possible, Camilla was all about perception, attention and of course, great selfie lighting.

So I called it off and we agreed to tell everyone it was her instead. I didn't give a damn about who left who as long as I never had to step behind that mask ever again.

Camilla was hurt and angry at first, which I thought was understandable. Even though there was no real passion, there was a year of companionship and during those 300-something days, we'd become friends. She distracted me, at least somewhat, from thinking of Kaycee and she had someone to make her ex-boyfriend jealous with. Ultimately, we both used the other one for our own selfish reasons and neither of us cared.

"You know, Sean, I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I always knew you'd choose her in the end," Camilla had said with a hint of bitterness in her tone, but she seemed genuine. "And that's okay, because I can only wish and pray to experience what you two have someday."

"I'm not choosing her, Cam. I'm leaving, actually," I said, forcing a smile, "I'm choosing myself."

Camilla chuckled and nodded. "Sure, if that's what you think this is. But something must've happened to make you leave her, especially now. I know I'm the last person you want to talk to about your problems, but I'll offer my advice anyway. You hide it well when she's looking, but it works both ways. Everyone else knows because we are still looking when one of you turns away, but the two of you never get a glimpse. So do you love her? My bet is that it's a yes. Does she know? Probably not. Is it the same the other way around? She loves you, but do you know that?"

To say I was shell-shocked would be an understatement. Camilla never talked about feelings, never tried to help others by offering advice, unless it was about shoes or photo filters, so her being like this was something very out of character.

"What? I can be human, too, you know," she laughed at my reaction before sipping her drink. "I know love is scary, especially if you're not sure it's mutual, but can you honestly say you're sure she doesn't feel the same way? Are you sure enough to not regret leaving?"

"I don't know, I'm honestly not sure about any of this. All I know is I need to go, at least for now. And you and I both know we aren't meant to be together. There's someone much better for you out there."

"We knew it from the start, didn't we?" Camilla asked, her eyes full of laughter. I'd really never seen her this joyful and cheery, so I wondered why we'd kept this up all this time. Because we were both desperate for someone, just desperate for someone else.

"Yeah, I guess we did. But I have to say, I'm glad we stuck it out. This is nice," I said, offering a genuine smile. "It's different than before."

"We're not pretending anymore," Camilla said, and I couldn't agree more. "Can I be honest with you and get something off my chest?"

"Shoot," I encouraged, leaning forward and resting my elbows on the concrete table.

"When we started going out, I was so jealous of her. She was all you ever talked about and back then I thought you and I were something serious, so if you just as much as looked in her direction, I would see red. Yeah, I fooled myself too, thinking it was so important to me. So I tried to distance you from her, tried to drive a wedge between you two. I even called her by the wrong name. Every. Single. Time," Camilla said, laughing at the thought.

"Yeah, I know. I hated it," I laughed along.

"But you never corrected me. Well, except for that one time. That's because you, Sean Lew, are loyal to a fault. You've never loved me, barely even liked me, but we were together so you were loyal. At first it threw me a bit, because I could tell you loved her, so why weren't you loyal to her, why didn't you correct me? Now, it took me a while to figure this out, but I now know it was because you didn't need to show your loyalty to her. She's always known you'd have her back, no matter what. Because that's who you are. So when I called her the wrong name or looked at her weird, you didn't need to say anything, because she knew it bothered you, anyway. And she trusted your reaction, because she would trust you with anything. I mean, she literally lets you hold her above your head with only one hand and she never looks scared."

"Trusting me to hold her is one thing. It's completely different to trust me with her heart. That's why I'm leaving. I need to put this behind me," I replied, staring down at my shoes.

"Let me finish. I was going to say, the trust you two have is so profound, you're so in sync and on the same wavelength, that I don't think anyone can drive that wedge or separate you. Not even you. So sure, you can go. But do you honestly think you're ever going to find this again?"

"There's no this."

"Oh, but there is. One day you'll look back on all of it and call me up, just to tell me "Shit, Cam, there really was a this!" and I will say I told you so. And I will be even more jealous then than I am now, because most of us only stumble upon dead fish. You found the goldfish and you're about to leave it to drown," she finished, probably about the 100th person on this planet, trying to convince me to stay. But I wouldn't and my set jaw must have been a clear sign. "I'm going to go. Just think about it before you get on that plane to wherever you're going. After all, she isn't here to speak for herself, so I had to say something."

We both stood as I considered her words, wondering if maybe I was making the wrong decision after all. Kaycee really didn't have any chance to say anything. Then again, would I have wanted to actually hear her telling me to leave her? Hell, no.

"Take care, Sean. Let me know when you're back in town."

And then we hugged, we said goodbye and that was that. I felt weirdly nostalgic, but leaving Camilla was nothing compared to the feeling of leaving Kaycee behind. I kept telling myself it was only because I got closure with Camilla, while Kaycee was lifeless in a sterile hospital bed, unable to let me go.

So when I made it home, I went straight to my room, took off my clothes and I did something I'd never done. I curled up and cried myself to sleep, wondering which part of me would break next.

The heart had already fallen.

PLEASE CLICK THE LITTLE STAR AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO DROP A COMMENT! 

xxx